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Parent Emeritus
Guilt - and getting over it.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 569589" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>T&T, welcome. It sure sounds as if you've come to the right place. I'm sorry though, that you had to even look for us. Your situation is a tough one, but not unlike many of us here who have grown kids who have a serious failure to launch, many due to substance abuse. You may want to also post on the Substance Abuse forum since those parents are quite well versed in all of the ins and outs of those issues. You can just cut and paste your post and put it in SA.</p><p></p><p>I can understand your anguish and guilt. Nothing is more difficult then having to detach from our children, it causes us immeasurable pain..............however, having said that, I think you do need to detach from your difficult child, it sounds as if you are enabling him. You've done everything for him including setting him up in an apartment you pay for. Many of our difficult child's don't begin to move into their own lives until we let go and let them. I know personally how hard that is to do, however, by enabling him you rob him of the opportunity to not only suffer natural consequences for his behavior, you rob him of the opportunity to handle his own life thereby gaining the adult strength and pride to make good choices. He is 20 years old, he is an adult.</p><p></p><p>You might want to read the blurb on detachment at the bottom of my page here.........you also might want to get yourself into a support system where you can begin to learn how to unhook yourself from the sense of parental responsibility and guilt you feel towards your son so that you and your husband can find some peace and learn how to set boundaries that work for YOU and your husband. Your son sounds as if he is holding you hostage with his behavior and you are allowing it. I know that sounds harsh, and I'm sorry to even say it, but you are asking us for our take on this and that is mine. I needed help, professional help, to detach from my grown daughter, it's really hard to do...........my advice is to find yourself a therapist, a parent support group, go to 12 step groups designed for parents of kids who abuse drugs, do some research and find help for YOU. Your son may not change, but you can change your responses to him so that you are taking care of you and your marriage. You've done enough for your difficult child, it sounds like it's time to do something for YOU. We as parents need to identify what we can and cannot live with and then set those boundaries with our difficult child's with the full knowledge that if those boundaries are not adhered to, there will be consequences. And, then you need to stand behind the consequences you set. As I said, you may need professional help to do all of that, it's a process, it takes time, commitment and it's not easy. Don't let your difficult child come between you and your husband. I wish you peace. Keep posting, it helps. Get yourself some support. Stay strong. We get it. (((HUGS)))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 569589, member: 13542"] T&T, welcome. It sure sounds as if you've come to the right place. I'm sorry though, that you had to even look for us. Your situation is a tough one, but not unlike many of us here who have grown kids who have a serious failure to launch, many due to substance abuse. You may want to also post on the Substance Abuse forum since those parents are quite well versed in all of the ins and outs of those issues. You can just cut and paste your post and put it in SA. I can understand your anguish and guilt. Nothing is more difficult then having to detach from our children, it causes us immeasurable pain..............however, having said that, I think you do need to detach from your difficult child, it sounds as if you are enabling him. You've done everything for him including setting him up in an apartment you pay for. Many of our difficult child's don't begin to move into their own lives until we let go and let them. I know personally how hard that is to do, however, by enabling him you rob him of the opportunity to not only suffer natural consequences for his behavior, you rob him of the opportunity to handle his own life thereby gaining the adult strength and pride to make good choices. He is 20 years old, he is an adult. You might want to read the blurb on detachment at the bottom of my page here.........you also might want to get yourself into a support system where you can begin to learn how to unhook yourself from the sense of parental responsibility and guilt you feel towards your son so that you and your husband can find some peace and learn how to set boundaries that work for YOU and your husband. Your son sounds as if he is holding you hostage with his behavior and you are allowing it. I know that sounds harsh, and I'm sorry to even say it, but you are asking us for our take on this and that is mine. I needed help, professional help, to detach from my grown daughter, it's really hard to do...........my advice is to find yourself a therapist, a parent support group, go to 12 step groups designed for parents of kids who abuse drugs, do some research and find help for YOU. Your son may not change, but you can change your responses to him so that you are taking care of you and your marriage. You've done enough for your difficult child, it sounds like it's time to do something for YOU. We as parents need to identify what we can and cannot live with and then set those boundaries with our difficult child's with the full knowledge that if those boundaries are not adhered to, there will be consequences. And, then you need to stand behind the consequences you set. As I said, you may need professional help to do all of that, it's a process, it takes time, commitment and it's not easy. Don't let your difficult child come between you and your husband. I wish you peace. Keep posting, it helps. Get yourself some support. Stay strong. We get it. (((HUGS))) [/QUOTE]
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