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Parent Emeritus
Guilt - and getting over it.
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<blockquote data-quote="Hound dog" data-source="post: 570539" data-attributes="member: 84"><p>T&T welcome, I'm glad you found us.</p><p></p><p>You are right, in many ways you're enabling difficult children behavior to continue. Why are you bailing him out of trouble? He's a grown adult. How is he supposed to learn there are consequences to the decisions and actions of an adult if you're not allowing that to happen? Simple. He's not learning. Therein lies your problem. He continues to make bad choices and you continue to bail him out except for a place to live. He's just spinning his wheels and making a deeper hole to climb out of. </p><p></p><p>I understand the desire to support and help your child and to be a good parent. I understand the worry that he is throwing his life away, and the maternal need to attempt to prevent that. However you can't prevent that from happening. Only difficult child can make choices that will put his life back on track. He's not going to make those choices (no real reason to do so) as long as he has no incentive to do so. (such as facing those natural consequences head on alone) </p><p></p><p>As parents of adult children we have to learn where to draw the line and when to step back and say "it's your life, I can't live it for you." We have to learn to accept the bad choices, the screw ups, along with the good choices and the successes. Life is a learning process. We don't enter this world knowing how to walk or talk ect; and we don't enter the adult world a fully functioning adult with all the wisdom and skills we need either. We make bad choices and we stumble and fall flat on our faces until we learn and do better. </p><p></p><p>Learning to detach from the lives of our adult children is a process for us, but one that is well worth it in the end. Just as we let them stumble and fall in order to learn to walk, we have to let them stumble and fall to learn to navigate adulthood. Not easy, but necessary. </p><p></p><p>(((hugs)))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Hound dog, post: 570539, member: 84"] T&T welcome, I'm glad you found us. You are right, in many ways you're enabling difficult children behavior to continue. Why are you bailing him out of trouble? He's a grown adult. How is he supposed to learn there are consequences to the decisions and actions of an adult if you're not allowing that to happen? Simple. He's not learning. Therein lies your problem. He continues to make bad choices and you continue to bail him out except for a place to live. He's just spinning his wheels and making a deeper hole to climb out of. I understand the desire to support and help your child and to be a good parent. I understand the worry that he is throwing his life away, and the maternal need to attempt to prevent that. However you can't prevent that from happening. Only difficult child can make choices that will put his life back on track. He's not going to make those choices (no real reason to do so) as long as he has no incentive to do so. (such as facing those natural consequences head on alone) As parents of adult children we have to learn where to draw the line and when to step back and say "it's your life, I can't live it for you." We have to learn to accept the bad choices, the screw ups, along with the good choices and the successes. Life is a learning process. We don't enter this world knowing how to walk or talk ect; and we don't enter the adult world a fully functioning adult with all the wisdom and skills we need either. We make bad choices and we stumble and fall flat on our faces until we learn and do better. Learning to detach from the lives of our adult children is a process for us, but one that is well worth it in the end. Just as we let them stumble and fall in order to learn to walk, we have to let them stumble and fall to learn to navigate adulthood. Not easy, but necessary. (((hugs))) [/QUOTE]
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Guilt - and getting over it.
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