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Hating my husband's new job
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<blockquote data-quote="Signorina" data-source="post: 620701"><p>Vent here - have at it - give it your all. I totally get it and I understand how you feel. </p><p></p><p>Let me also say that it is REALLY hard to adapt to a new schedule as a family. been there done that - and the D stands for DOING, because it is still very much a work in progress and it's my own new schedule. Our family's is not dissimilar to your own, except I am the one who is now working a TON more hours and commuting and not home 3 days and 2 nights a week, and at the same time my H is working from home and has transitioned from an 80 hour, 7 days a week business owner to a 9-5 job and true "off time" on the weekends. Sometimes, I wish I had kept my 20-30 hour a week job and h and I had all this extra time together. And then I remember how nice the financial security is...</p><p></p><p>My h has been great. He is really supportive. I am not sure how I would feel if he resented me being gone so much. And honestly, when I am not gone - I am often preoccupied. After a few glasses of wine on Valentine's night, I spent the next hour telling him about all of my work problems that are laying heavily on my mind. Isn't that romantic? But because it was once him working a meelion hours and preoccupied, and I was the one at home resenting the TIME and MIND SPACE his work took away from me - he gets it so it doesn't bother him. And he is happy for me that I have this opportunity to do something new and difficult and ambitious. Even when I hate it. And that makes me love him 100x more. I don't know how I would react if he was unhappy with the time I was spending at work.I HAVE been guilty of neglecting him and being too consumed by work. And I can see when it bothers him and I try to acknowledge it and correct it. Like your H I was given a chance at something I wanted - and even though I am second guessing if I really still want it and it's been a huge learning curve - it's really awesome to take a chance to grow</p><p></p><p>I also only worked from home and worked part time for the past 18 years -- so when I went back to a full time job (still partially from home) it was really hard to for me to adapt to business hour/business week thing. I was used to having down time in my day at home that I later made up for by working at night or on the weekend; especially when my kids were younger. I am now (a year later) just beginning to "turn off" during my "off" time, especially around 5 pm. Which is probably not OK, I get it.Your post is a good reminder that I need to be more cognizant.</p><p></p><p>I know you don't want to eat late at home - but is dinner at 8:00pm on a Friday night really that bad? It sounds like your H is trying to make inroads with his new staff and that can be really tough. Go with him to drop off dinner so you can see what it is he is doing all day & night! Fake a smile if you must...but it will let him know you are on his team. And then you get him all to yourself at dinner and beyond. </p><p></p><p>As far as dinner during the week, it's OK if you don't eat together, but take the opportunity to sit with him while he eats and have a glass of wine or whatever. Yes, family dinners are important, but so is spending time together. Even if it's not ideal or it feels forced. Part of it is just adapting to the new schedule.</p><p></p><p>What's worked for us is to spend Sundays together. We don't manage every Sunday; but we try for most. Sometimes, we are running errands together which isn't ideal but it gives us a chance to chit chat and a good block of "normal" time together. We often go see a matinee - sometimes grabbing lunch or a bite before or after the movie. Last Sunday we ice skated a good part of the day and went for a long walk. Yes, I had to do the laundry and make dinner too and H had to shovel the driveway AGAIN- but we were just hanging out together and it was really good. We did the dishes together after dinner and watched the Olympics. It's a big change - our evening time USED to be our time together and it just doesn't work that way anymore since I am gone 2-3 nights a week. One Sunday, he sat on the couch with me (I think he was reading and puttering in & out) as I caught up on 3 episodes of Nashville on the DVR. We used to do our own thing on the weekends - I got some time to myself and he got time with the boys - so this new pattern takes effort and feels odd - but it's a heck of a lot better than not spending time together. </p><p></p><p>Even though I am the one away 2-3 nights, I still struggle knowing we don't interact much on the weeknights but I think it's because family dinners and collapsing on the couch together at 9:00 pm was our habit for most of our marriage! Now, I am often at work and PC16 has a busy schedule and isn't often home on school nights. It's time to adjust to the new normal and it feels very weird almost like having your shoes on the wrong feet. In reality, we WILL be empty nesters (for the most part) in 18 months. It's hard to believe.</p><p></p><p>So, I'd cut H some slack and keep venting here and give the new job some time to cool off. I think his schedule will settle down eventually and if it doesn't - then YES - I would voice your concerns to him. You guys have had a ton of changes in the last year - and even though most have been good - change is hard. </p><p></p><p>XO</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Signorina, post: 620701"] Vent here - have at it - give it your all. I totally get it and I understand how you feel. Let me also say that it is REALLY hard to adapt to a new schedule as a family. been there done that - and the D stands for DOING, because it is still very much a work in progress and it's my own new schedule. Our family's is not dissimilar to your own, except I am the one who is now working a TON more hours and commuting and not home 3 days and 2 nights a week, and at the same time my H is working from home and has transitioned from an 80 hour, 7 days a week business owner to a 9-5 job and true "off time" on the weekends. Sometimes, I wish I had kept my 20-30 hour a week job and h and I had all this extra time together. And then I remember how nice the financial security is... My h has been great. He is really supportive. I am not sure how I would feel if he resented me being gone so much. And honestly, when I am not gone - I am often preoccupied. After a few glasses of wine on Valentine's night, I spent the next hour telling him about all of my work problems that are laying heavily on my mind. Isn't that romantic? But because it was once him working a meelion hours and preoccupied, and I was the one at home resenting the TIME and MIND SPACE his work took away from me - he gets it so it doesn't bother him. And he is happy for me that I have this opportunity to do something new and difficult and ambitious. Even when I hate it. And that makes me love him 100x more. I don't know how I would react if he was unhappy with the time I was spending at work.I HAVE been guilty of neglecting him and being too consumed by work. And I can see when it bothers him and I try to acknowledge it and correct it. Like your H I was given a chance at something I wanted - and even though I am second guessing if I really still want it and it's been a huge learning curve - it's really awesome to take a chance to grow I also only worked from home and worked part time for the past 18 years -- so when I went back to a full time job (still partially from home) it was really hard to for me to adapt to business hour/business week thing. I was used to having down time in my day at home that I later made up for by working at night or on the weekend; especially when my kids were younger. I am now (a year later) just beginning to "turn off" during my "off" time, especially around 5 pm. Which is probably not OK, I get it.Your post is a good reminder that I need to be more cognizant. I know you don't want to eat late at home - but is dinner at 8:00pm on a Friday night really that bad? It sounds like your H is trying to make inroads with his new staff and that can be really tough. Go with him to drop off dinner so you can see what it is he is doing all day & night! Fake a smile if you must...but it will let him know you are on his team. And then you get him all to yourself at dinner and beyond. As far as dinner during the week, it's OK if you don't eat together, but take the opportunity to sit with him while he eats and have a glass of wine or whatever. Yes, family dinners are important, but so is spending time together. Even if it's not ideal or it feels forced. Part of it is just adapting to the new schedule. What's worked for us is to spend Sundays together. We don't manage every Sunday; but we try for most. Sometimes, we are running errands together which isn't ideal but it gives us a chance to chit chat and a good block of "normal" time together. We often go see a matinee - sometimes grabbing lunch or a bite before or after the movie. Last Sunday we ice skated a good part of the day and went for a long walk. Yes, I had to do the laundry and make dinner too and H had to shovel the driveway AGAIN- but we were just hanging out together and it was really good. We did the dishes together after dinner and watched the Olympics. It's a big change - our evening time USED to be our time together and it just doesn't work that way anymore since I am gone 2-3 nights a week. One Sunday, he sat on the couch with me (I think he was reading and puttering in & out) as I caught up on 3 episodes of Nashville on the DVR. We used to do our own thing on the weekends - I got some time to myself and he got time with the boys - so this new pattern takes effort and feels odd - but it's a heck of a lot better than not spending time together. Even though I am the one away 2-3 nights, I still struggle knowing we don't interact much on the weeknights but I think it's because family dinners and collapsing on the couch together at 9:00 pm was our habit for most of our marriage! Now, I am often at work and PC16 has a busy schedule and isn't often home on school nights. It's time to adjust to the new normal and it feels very weird almost like having your shoes on the wrong feet. In reality, we WILL be empty nesters (for the most part) in 18 months. It's hard to believe. So, I'd cut H some slack and keep venting here and give the new job some time to cool off. I think his schedule will settle down eventually and if it doesn't - then YES - I would voice your concerns to him. You guys have had a ton of changes in the last year - and even though most have been good - change is hard. XO [/QUOTE]
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