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Have a feeling of impending doom
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 664152" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>This was, and to a certain extent, but in a different way now, continues to be my truth regarding my kids and my grands, too. I think this is the way, the maternal way, all mothers feel <em>because it is true.</em> The difference for me, as I have seen the kids come back and fall again, over and over, has to do with those words my father spoke. And with my own finally coming to terms with what enabling is, with how it works to the ultimate destruction of respect between parent and child. For me today, the thing I could give back to my children is respect for themselves. Part of that has to be respect for me. How can a man or a woman respect him or herself if he or she does not find the parent worthy of respect?</p><p></p><p>So, seeing in that way at last, I stood up.</p><p></p><p>And it seems to have been the right thing.</p><p></p><p>Just as those parents who come to understand it try to teach the others of us, it is the enabling we need to turn away from, not the child and not loving the child.</p><p></p><p>But it is one of those concepts it is difficult to find words for. The maternal instinct overwhelms us. It is a difficult concept for us to get a grasp of, this whole business of enabling and respect and granting individuality to our kids.</p><p></p><p>Holding you and your son in my thoughts, blackgnat.</p><p></p><p>He seems to be making informed choices, to me. He is not helplessly addled and therefore, does not require protection. That protecting them piece is why it is so hard for us not to enable ~ not even to see it, when we do enable.</p><p></p><p>But it seems to me, and experience seems to be bearing this out, that what the kids need from us is that we insist they respect both us and themselves.</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry I cannot be clearer.</p><p></p><p>I am still feeling my way through all this, too.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 664152, member: 17461"] This was, and to a certain extent, but in a different way now, continues to be my truth regarding my kids and my grands, too. I think this is the way, the maternal way, all mothers feel [I]because it is true.[/I] The difference for me, as I have seen the kids come back and fall again, over and over, has to do with those words my father spoke. And with my own finally coming to terms with what enabling is, with how it works to the ultimate destruction of respect between parent and child. For me today, the thing I could give back to my children is respect for themselves. Part of that has to be respect for me. How can a man or a woman respect him or herself if he or she does not find the parent worthy of respect? So, seeing in that way at last, I stood up. And it seems to have been the right thing. Just as those parents who come to understand it try to teach the others of us, it is the enabling we need to turn away from, not the child and not loving the child. But it is one of those concepts it is difficult to find words for. The maternal instinct overwhelms us. It is a difficult concept for us to get a grasp of, this whole business of enabling and respect and granting individuality to our kids. Holding you and your son in my thoughts, blackgnat. He seems to be making informed choices, to me. He is not helplessly addled and therefore, does not require protection. That protecting them piece is why it is so hard for us not to enable ~ not even to see it, when we do enable. But it seems to me, and experience seems to be bearing this out, that what the kids need from us is that we insist they respect both us and themselves. I'm sorry I cannot be clearer. I am still feeling my way through all this, too. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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