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<blockquote data-quote="Nomad" data-source="post: 250683"><p>Your son is 26 years old?</p><p>Did I catch this right? </p><p>He is an adult. </p><p>Hold on. This is NOT a place for failures. You are not a failure. Your son is not a failure. We are human beings who sometimes need a moment to catch our breath. </p><p>This is a place for thinking things over, getting advice and making corrections if needed. </p><p>How can you blame yourself for your son leaving college? This is NOT your fault. Put blame where it belongs and NEVER EVER EVER EVER utter or think that this is your fault. It is damaging to yourself and your son in that it hurts your self esteem needlessly and it gives your son an excuse to continue in his maladaptive ways.</p><p>Are there no colleges near your home?</p><p>Choices...my friend. Choices. Your son has them. Don't give into goofy thinking. </p><p>If you promised your son that you would pay for college, you can do that. You can repay a loan, for example. </p><p>He can contribute. He can pay for his expenses. He can and should do that...especially given his age.</p><p> </p><p>Our son paid for many of his expenses all through college. He lived at home for the first two years. He worked 30 hours a week for most of that time. He only took one or two courses a semester the first year. Then it was 1/2 time the second year. After that, he moved on campus in a dorm and worked 10 hours s a week. After that, he moved into a an apartment.</p><p>He always paid for his own cell phone, his own expenses like movies, etc, , his own gasoline, most of his own food, 1/2 of his car insurance and most of his own clothing. We paid for tuition, books, apartment rental, minimum car expenses, minimum food, some clothing and all his medical needs. He just turned 24 and it took him 5 years to get his BA. He is graduating in April with honors. </p><p>When we got tough on him and told him he had no choices in this and that he had to be a man...he stepped up to the plate. After he got his first job and began to pay for things on his own, he took pride in himself. He had to pay for some things on his own to reallize the value of a dollar. Sure, he was doing things differently than the next guy...it paid off BIG TIME. Side note: he saved, saved and saved. Not too long ago he bought his fiance a giant diamond ring...it's gorgeous and so is she! <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite8" alt=":D" title="Big Grin :D" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":D" /></p><p>Bottom line: No losers here. You might want to look at this differently. If I were you, I would hold him more accountable for HIMSELF. I would give him 4-6 weeks to start paying his OWN cell phone... NO MORE! If he goes to college, I would NOT over burden him with financial responsibiltiies...but start putting SOME responsibilities on him NOW. Give him a little warning...but give him the warnings NOW and then stick to them. BE fair...but BRUTAL.</p><p> </p><p>Suggest to him that a college degree almost always spells more income in the future. I just saw that he is not working consistently. What is the story here? Does he want to work? How hard is he trying? He'll need to if he is paying for things himself. At least a pt job if he is taking courses full time. A full time job if he is taking courses part time. Is he healthy? Does he have any Learning Disability (LD) issues? If not, some students can work full time and take several courses too.</p><p> </p><p>A pt job is often is ideal if taking several college courses...but they are sometimes hard to find. He can also talk to someone at the college about a loan where he works on campus. Tell him he needs to go and ask and go NOW! (This could get ugly...at some point you might have to give him an ultimatum here...a story for possibly another day). Before too long, your adult child should be looking for another place to live...not your home.</p><p> </p><p>Additionally, ...make a plan to buy that door sometime in the near future. Make plans for yourself. Hey, I'm in graduate school, working pt, fighting health issues and have a difficult child...and I'm ancient! Hold your head up high...move forward...that's my idea.</p><p> </p><p>You are on the right track. If you need additional support...don't hesitate to get into some counseling. What about couples counseling? Having a <strong>PITA semi difficult child adult child around is TAXING...don't kid yourself</strong>. Also, consider counseling for your son...he may be suffering from depression.</p><p> </p><p>Keep one foot in front of the other...keep moving forward. Best wishes.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nomad, post: 250683"] Your son is 26 years old? Did I catch this right? He is an adult. Hold on. This is NOT a place for failures. You are not a failure. Your son is not a failure. We are human beings who sometimes need a moment to catch our breath. This is a place for thinking things over, getting advice and making corrections if needed. How can you blame yourself for your son leaving college? This is NOT your fault. Put blame where it belongs and NEVER EVER EVER EVER utter or think that this is your fault. It is damaging to yourself and your son in that it hurts your self esteem needlessly and it gives your son an excuse to continue in his maladaptive ways. Are there no colleges near your home? Choices...my friend. Choices. Your son has them. Don't give into goofy thinking. If you promised your son that you would pay for college, you can do that. You can repay a loan, for example. He can contribute. He can pay for his expenses. He can and should do that...especially given his age. Our son paid for many of his expenses all through college. He lived at home for the first two years. He worked 30 hours a week for most of that time. He only took one or two courses a semester the first year. Then it was 1/2 time the second year. After that, he moved on campus in a dorm and worked 10 hours s a week. After that, he moved into a an apartment. He always paid for his own cell phone, his own expenses like movies, etc, , his own gasoline, most of his own food, 1/2 of his car insurance and most of his own clothing. We paid for tuition, books, apartment rental, minimum car expenses, minimum food, some clothing and all his medical needs. He just turned 24 and it took him 5 years to get his BA. He is graduating in April with honors. When we got tough on him and told him he had no choices in this and that he had to be a man...he stepped up to the plate. After he got his first job and began to pay for things on his own, he took pride in himself. He had to pay for some things on his own to reallize the value of a dollar. Sure, he was doing things differently than the next guy...it paid off BIG TIME. Side note: he saved, saved and saved. Not too long ago he bought his fiance a giant diamond ring...it's gorgeous and so is she! :happy: Bottom line: No losers here. You might want to look at this differently. If I were you, I would hold him more accountable for HIMSELF. I would give him 4-6 weeks to start paying his OWN cell phone... NO MORE! If he goes to college, I would NOT over burden him with financial responsibiltiies...but start putting SOME responsibilities on him NOW. Give him a little warning...but give him the warnings NOW and then stick to them. BE fair...but BRUTAL. Suggest to him that a college degree almost always spells more income in the future. I just saw that he is not working consistently. What is the story here? Does he want to work? How hard is he trying? He'll need to if he is paying for things himself. At least a pt job if he is taking courses full time. A full time job if he is taking courses part time. Is he healthy? Does he have any Learning Disability (LD) issues? If not, some students can work full time and take several courses too. A pt job is often is ideal if taking several college courses...but they are sometimes hard to find. He can also talk to someone at the college about a loan where he works on campus. Tell him he needs to go and ask and go NOW! (This could get ugly...at some point you might have to give him an ultimatum here...a story for possibly another day). Before too long, your adult child should be looking for another place to live...not your home. Additionally, ...make a plan to buy that door sometime in the near future. Make plans for yourself. Hey, I'm in graduate school, working pt, fighting health issues and have a difficult child...and I'm ancient! Hold your head up high...move forward...that's my idea. You are on the right track. If you need additional support...don't hesitate to get into some counseling. What about couples counseling? Having a [B]PITA semi difficult child adult child around is TAXING...don't kid yourself[/B]. Also, consider counseling for your son...he may be suffering from depression. Keep one foot in front of the other...keep moving forward. Best wishes. [/QUOTE]
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