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<blockquote data-quote="trinityroyal" data-source="post: 250818" data-attributes="member: 3907"><p>Kjs,</p><p></p><p>First of all, sending you many gentle hugs for your pain. You shouldn't have to feel that way in your own home, no matter what.</p><p></p><p>Thing is, your H and your sons WILL continue to treat you badly and with disrespect as long as you continue to let them.</p><p></p><p>Look at it from the perspective of your H, for example:</p><p></p><p>"I treat her like dirt, and yet she still works 2 jobs and covers for all the family's financial needs, and makes sure that the children are looked after, and even comes running to me when something makes her sad. Why should I do anything differently, because what I'm doing now works for me."</p><p></p><p>And both of your sons are learning from H's example, that it's acceptable to treat a wife that way. And from your example, that as a wife, you find it acceptable to be treated that way.</p><p></p><p>And so you react by being nicer to them, by taking more care of them, by working harder, by paying more of their bills. As if to show them, "See, I AM a good person. Maybe now you'll treat me better." </p><p></p><p>But then won't! While you continue doing for them, they have no reason in the world to change their behaviour.</p><p></p><p>So the change has to start with you. </p><p>Let H take care of himself.</p><p>Let your older son fend for himself. He will more than likely land on his feet if you give him the opportunity to do so by not carrying the load for him.</p><p>Let your difficult child experience all of the consequences of not doing his work. If that means that he fails in school, so be it. He will have brought it on himself.</p><p></p><p>None of these things are your problems, but by taking ownership of them you've set yourself up as a target for blame when your H and sons don't do what they're supposed to be doing.</p><p></p><p>You've got to step off the merry-go-round.</p><p></p><p>If you have to work 2 jobs to cover all of the expenses, start cutting back. There's no reason why your H or your sons should be on your cellphone plan that you pay for. There's no reason that you should be working extra hours to pay your 26 year old son's bills. </p><p></p><p>Until you stop accepting the way they treat you, they will not change the way they treat you.</p><p></p><p>I hope that my words aren't causing you additional pain on top of that which you're already feeling. It's just that I've stood in your shoes with a husband that treated me like dirt, and never appreciated my hard work or love or anything. It was only when I walked away that he realized what he'd lost, but by then I had moved on.</p><p></p><p>You need to be kind to you. That will set the standard for others as to how you expect to be treated.</p><p></p><p>Sending more hugs, to add to the ones I started off with. I'm so sorry you're living through this, and know that I understand.</p><p></p><p>Trinity</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="trinityroyal, post: 250818, member: 3907"] Kjs, First of all, sending you many gentle hugs for your pain. You shouldn't have to feel that way in your own home, no matter what. Thing is, your H and your sons WILL continue to treat you badly and with disrespect as long as you continue to let them. Look at it from the perspective of your H, for example: "I treat her like dirt, and yet she still works 2 jobs and covers for all the family's financial needs, and makes sure that the children are looked after, and even comes running to me when something makes her sad. Why should I do anything differently, because what I'm doing now works for me." And both of your sons are learning from H's example, that it's acceptable to treat a wife that way. And from your example, that as a wife, you find it acceptable to be treated that way. And so you react by being nicer to them, by taking more care of them, by working harder, by paying more of their bills. As if to show them, "See, I AM a good person. Maybe now you'll treat me better." But then won't! While you continue doing for them, they have no reason in the world to change their behaviour. So the change has to start with you. Let H take care of himself. Let your older son fend for himself. He will more than likely land on his feet if you give him the opportunity to do so by not carrying the load for him. Let your difficult child experience all of the consequences of not doing his work. If that means that he fails in school, so be it. He will have brought it on himself. None of these things are your problems, but by taking ownership of them you've set yourself up as a target for blame when your H and sons don't do what they're supposed to be doing. You've got to step off the merry-go-round. If you have to work 2 jobs to cover all of the expenses, start cutting back. There's no reason why your H or your sons should be on your cellphone plan that you pay for. There's no reason that you should be working extra hours to pay your 26 year old son's bills. Until you stop accepting the way they treat you, they will not change the way they treat you. I hope that my words aren't causing you additional pain on top of that which you're already feeling. It's just that I've stood in your shoes with a husband that treated me like dirt, and never appreciated my hard work or love or anything. It was only when I walked away that he realized what he'd lost, but by then I had moved on. You need to be kind to you. That will set the standard for others as to how you expect to be treated. Sending more hugs, to add to the ones I started off with. I'm so sorry you're living through this, and know that I understand. Trinity [/QUOTE]
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