2much2recover --- I feel your anguish in your words. So understandable! As so many have said, it's a hard, hard, H-A-R-D path to walk -- this parenting of difficult child's. And it's often especially difficult during the holidays. It's not easy the rest of the year, either, but at least there isn't a continual barrage of media blitz around how we should all have Rockwellian families. TV, movies, songs, passersby on the street, house decorations, store decorations, etc......... our society builds it up to a ridiculous crescendo of expectation for families. It's not discreet, either.......pretty darned, "In your face" about it.
by the way, our son (now 24) was diagnosed Antisocial Personality Disorder. I have vacillated on how accurate that is. Sometimes it seems blatantly true. Sometimes not. Sometimes I just think the seemingly "real" connections are part of his clever con game. Perhaps........to all of the above. But, either way, life works better when I keep strict boundaries with difficult child. I love our difficult child, HOWEVER.......... life also works better when I see him infrequently. Just a fact.
We need to make a decision to celebrate our lives, to cherish ourselves and our stories. We need to stop comparing ourselves with those moms who get the Hallmark holidays. (This is especially true of myself.)
Cedar --- Yep, yep, yep, and YEP! Eloquently said! It's the "comparison" part that has so often gotten me into trouble. What a catalyst for a downward spiral. I was thinking that about 2 weeks ago and spent a few days just noticing my own tendency (unspoken, no less) to compare to others. Yuuuuuuck! Nothing good comes of it and I wasn't even consciously aware I was doing it that much. But I was. No I am more aware and seeking to halt it in its tracks pronto. Just feels better on every level -- less judgmental of myself, of others and, frankly, even of difficult child. Never thought love and detachment could be had in the same breath, but discovering how they can be.
MWM --- Also a great reminder about how Antisocial Personality Disorder even appears differently in brain imaging. Helps to remember that it's a disease. A vicious one, but still a disease (whatever the root cause is).
2much2recover ---- I'm so sorry to hear it's been such a rough time for you. But how wise you are to get back into counseling (I'm in now, too!) as it helps "untangle" the crazy knot that this mess is. I feel your heart. I have greatly appreciated your posts for the few months I've been in this forum. You strike me as a wise seeker, who is both strong and sensitive at the same time. These are all empowering strengths during the Drama Tornadoes (what I like to call 'em) our difficult child's wind up around us. These tornadoes really do suck.
My heart, prayers and support are with you! Hoping by the time you read this that things have settled a little. Take care and find some way to pamper yourself. Even the smallest pamperings help so much. Besides.........you deserve some pampering! We all do!
