He can bring me down in a nanosecond

[TerryJ2]

Decided to give difficult child's girlfriend's mom a break from chauffeuring, so I picked up the kids from school to take them to a movie (difficult child got passes for his birthday). Texted difficult child and all was fine, listened to carols on the way, and was happy, happy, happy, singing along to Dionne Warwick.
Until I got to school, and difficult child expected to drive. I said no, not today. (I wanted to maintain my level of contentment.)
difficult child blew up, planted himself in the back seat next to girlfriend and slammed the door so hard it hurt my ears. I told him that was unacceptable behavior, more like a 2-yr-old. He said I didn't HAVE to pick him up--girlfriend's mom was going to do it. I said I thought it would be a nice thing to do, to give her a break. He argued that she just sits around and watches TV all day.
We made it to the first signal light before I was in tears and had to pull over.
Why do I let him get to me? And when will he learn?
I gave him a clonidine with no water and he took it with-o argument (so on some level, he knew he was out of line or he wouldn't have taken it). I told him I expected an apology. He didn't know why, and I said I don't like being yelled at when I'm doing someone a favor. He shouted "I told you that T was going to pick us up--you didn't have to!"
After all these yrs, he still blows up at the word, "No."
I'm doing better now. And he has no idea how many days/weeks of driving privileges he's just given up.

 

[STRESSEDTOMAX]

I

Decided to give difficult child's girlfriend's mom a break from chauffeuring, so I picked up the kids from school to take them to a movie (difficult child got passes for his birthday). Texted difficult child and all was fine, listened to carols on the way, and was happy, happy, happy, singing along to Dionne Warwick.
Until I got to school, and difficult child expected to drive. I said no, not today. (I wanted to maintain my level of contentment.)
difficult child blew up, planted himself in the back seat next to girlfriend and slammed the door so hard it hurt my ears. I told him that was unacceptable behavior, more like a 2-yr-old. He said I didn't HAVE to pick him up--girlfriend's mom was going to do it. I said I thought it would be a nice thing to do, to give her a break. He argued that she just sits around and watches TV all day.
We made it to the first signal light before I was in tears and had to pull over.
Why do I let him get to me? And when will he learn?
I gave him a clonidine with no water and he took it with-o argument (so on some level, he knew he was out of line or he wouldn't have taken it). I told him I expected an apology. He didn't know why, and I said I don't like being yelled at when I'm doing someone a favor. He shouted "I told you that T was going to pick us up--you didn't have to!"
After all these yrs, he still blows up at the word, "No."
I'm doing better now. And he has no idea how many days/weeks of driving privileges he's just given up.

 

[STRESSEDTOMAX]

I can totally understand. It doesn't seem to matter how many nice things I do for difficult child. The second I say NO to something, he reacts with screaming. I do pretty well not reacting as far as not taking it personally but sometimes it gets me crazy. I feel like I am hostage to his meltdowns when I say no and a lot of times I let him get his way to avoid him having a meltdown that I can't control. I think that just makes it worse though. I hope you have a calmer evening...

 

[Liahona]

Glad he got a consequence! That was not acceptable to treat you like that. I've learned any changes spell trouble for my difficult children. Yesterday difficult child 1 had to come home earlier than he normally does. He had a hard time with it for a few hours. Eventually, maybe? he will learn to anticipate that he has a hard time with changes and learn to regulate himself? I can dream can't I?

 

[KTMom91]

Hope he's calmer now...many hugs. I so remember those days.

 

[IT1967]

I'm feeling your pain. difficult child 2 has really been struggling lately. He's been having similar blowups at us over the smallest things we say no to. I'm exhausted and drained. We have started to give a consequence of losing all electronics for the day when this type of behavior occurs, per our therapist's recommendation. We just started, so who knows if it will work. Me and my husband have been working extremely hard not to lose our temper, because that only adds fuel to the fire. We've improved drastically in that regard, but man, there are days when I'm just so angry and upset and depressed and and and.....

 

[InsaneCdn]

Terry... From difficult child's perspective, two major things went wrong here. First, you showed up instead of girlfriend's Mom. Then, because it's you, he thinks it should be driving lesson time, and you said no.

I find that last-minute changes - i.e. changes difficult child doesn't know about at least a few hours in advance - are frequently the trigger for meltdowns. And the second most frequent trigger is breaking some "rule" I didn't know existed... because difficult child is always trying to make sense of the world around him by figuring out what the "rules" are, but he doesn't understand how to allow for flexibility.

Not that we give in, but rather I've found I really HAVE to plan ahead.

 

[IT1967]

InsaneCdn, you are so right in your thoughts regarding last minute changes and lack of flexibility. The trick is to know what will and won't set them off, isn't it?

 

[Wiped Out]

I so understand. Even at 16 my difficult child still blows at receiving a "no".

 

[TerryJ2]

Insane, I agree. He's matured so much, I often forget ... that he's still who he is. Still, it does hurt. Deep breath. Today is another day. We'll all do better.

 

[Malika]

Well, you kind of answered my question tonight, Terry, as I picked J up from his tae kwando class at 7 and in the car he asked to go and see his friends. I "made the mistake" of saying no, it was cold and he was tired, etc. I then got an earful of insults - "You're an IDIOT!", "You're a BABY!" and I wondered to myself... is it just going to go on like this as he gets older, him never learning how to deal with frustration and disappointment other than by lashing out... I can see this continuing. I am not okay with that - but how does it get to stop??

Sorry it is still getting to you. I completely understand.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Malika... it DOES get better. I'm not sure when it stops, because we haven't gotten there yet, but, it is a whole lot better around our house than it used to be. difficult child's tolerance for hunger, thirst, and tiredness has increased, along with some ability to listen to the rest of the "explanation" beyond the word "no"... although, I will admit, I'm a lot better about not saying "no". Trust me... there are a LOT of other words to use, that don't provoke that same intense reaction, and I use them every chance I get. Usually, it's when *I* am hungry/thirsty/tired that *I* forget... and then of course *I* get an earful...!

 

[lovelyboy]

Wow....this sounds like a clip from our lives!!!! Its so so sadening when you have a great day and your child crushes it in minutes...
I for example like to sing or wistle a tune during the day...then my son will scream and be anoyed and shouts to me that I must stop doing it! Or like you said, fetching him from school....good day...turns into fighting match! Its interesting to read that other kids also struggle with hunger and thirst! We have started to take propper food and water with to school when fetching our son and thus seems to help ALOT with him I do agree with other people that I think his behaviour was triggered by sudden change of plans! This doesnt make it better for us at the receiving end....Plenty of hugs coming your way!

 

[TerryJ2]

He's not getting any better. We had a brief talk with-him tonight about Christmas, dinners, gifts, and general expectations. Apparently his girlfriend is trying to break up with-him and he's taking it out on us. We told him that we know he is in pain but he cannot take it out on us. Also, he cannot just spent his whole life at her house and not be a part of our family.
Sheesh.

 

[lovelyboy]

Terry...we've got same issues with christmass!
Luckily we dont have girlfriends yet! Dont even want to think about that!!!!!

 

[InsaneCdn]

Keep talking. He's "only" 16. It's amazing what another 6 or 12 months does...
(ya, right... easy to say, but tough to do when every day seems like a year)