He knows now...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by tracy551, Mar 30, 2007.

  1. tracy551

    tracy551 New Member

    Well difficult child was told today he is going to palcement for 6 to 12 months. As soon as they told him, they let him call me at work to tell me. ( I already knew) He cried and sobbed of course, I didn't cry this time :nonono: sort of numb I guess. Really just drained from all this.
    I don't mean to make this a long post but I have to tell you some of the things difficult child is saying to see if you all have heard any of this before.... " I can't go to placement. You have to talk to them (the judge, caseworker, etc), Get me a lawyer to get me home you can fight this. If you loved me... , I will go to school and not do this and that, etc., etc.
    He wanted me to try to come see him tonight but its not a scheduled visit not until Sunday. I would not make any trips till Sunday I think he needs time process things. I know Sunday will be tough though. He'll probably be sent out next week sometime but we still don't know where yet they are looking for a placement for behavior, drugs and alcohol.
    It's really hard to talk to him, don't get me wrong I love my son more than anything but I can't stand the begging to get him home. I can hardly wait to get off the phone somedays.
    Well the real test is yet to come, MY MOM!!! She is absolutely rediculous. She thinks nothing is wrong and difficult child is there to get him "out of the way" that is totally crazy!!!! :grrr: He is there to get help so he CAN be home and be a part of this family.
    SORRY FOR SUCH A LONG POST!!!! Just need to vent.
  2. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    I'm glad that difficult child was told by someone else - it took that burden off your shoulders. I doubt any of our difficult children take treatment placements easily.

    There are times that I have not taken a call from wm. His crying, begging & demands to come home take a toll on my emotional well being.

    It's hard to step back, I know. However, wm is slowly learning that the topic of coming home is off the table & will not get a response or the phone call ends. He knows that for the time being we're to be a family of different addresses. We are doing our best to get wm to a place of functionality.

    You are doing the same for your difficult child. Don't pick up the phone if you cannot handle the emotions at that moment.

  3. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: tracy551</div><div class="ubbcode-body">but I have to tell you some of the things difficult child is saying to see if you all have heard any of this before.... " I can't go to placement. You have to talk to them (the judge, caseworker, etc), Get me a lawyer to get me home you can fight this. If you loved me... , I will go to school and not do this and that, etc., etc.

    That sounds like very typical difficult child-speak. They'll promise the world to get out of whatever it is, but once it's off the table the promises are long forgotten.

    I'm glad someone else was able to tell him. I completely understand how you feel about not wanting to talk to him when he's begging/whining. difficult child will call me at work just to argue with me or to beg/whine/plead and I can't stand it and refuse to play into it. She then hangs up on me just to call back 10 minutes later sweet as pie with yet another request. Sigh....

    I hope this placement is a successful one for your son. Tell your mom to get over herself...that obviously a professional (or several) trained in this field agrees that this is what your son needs. If she still has issues with it, well then, that's her problem.

  4. Liahona

    Liahona Active Member

    Sending hugs and support. Being a great mom is doing what is best for your kids even if it hurts them and you. You're being a great mom.
  5. kris

    kris New Member

    <span style='font-size: 14pt'> <span style='font-family: Georgia'> <span style="color: #663366"> i'm glad they lifted the *telling* burden from you.

    all his promises/protests sound pretty typical. they are always willing to promise the world to get out of goint to Residential Treatment Center (RTC)/rehab or just facing consequences in general.

    if i were you i'd be prepared to cut the sunday visit short. if he starts in with-his litany of things you should do to save him tell him frankly you agree with-the assessment of his needs & will not intervene & that if he doesn't stop you will leave immediately. then do it! i would talk to staff ahead of time & come up with-a plan.

    he's 16yo & not a baby any longer ~~~ yes, i know he will always be YOUR baby!. he can take it if you cut a visit short. i'm betting he wouldn't hesitate to walk away from a visit if he didn't like how things were going. now is a time you have to stay strong.

    you're doing the right thing.

    </span> </span> </span>
  6. oceans

    oceans New Member

    I think it is typical. My difficult child called and promised the world if I could get him out of going to the state hospital. There was nothing that I could do, and he really did need to go. Perhaps you can tell him that the decision was already made and that there is nothing you can do to change it. It is out of your hands now. I hope they find a really good place and he will improve and be able to function well at home.
  7. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ditto, Kris.

    I know it is hard, hurts a mommy heart.
  8. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Another resounding "yes" - these are pretty normal statements from a difficult child facing or newly in placement. It's the bargaining phase. It was definitely the hardest part of thank you's adjustment to placement. His crying, while hard to hear, wasn't as bad for *me* because I could comfort and reassure and be the strong mom. The bargaining was harder because I really do think they believe what they're saying, they really think they'll toe the line if they can just come back home. We're in a no-win situation while they're bargaining because, at least in thank you's mind, the fact that I didn't bring him home proved that I didn't believe him and I didn't love him. The only thing I can do is keep putting it back on his shoulders - his choices, his behaviors made it impossible for him to live here and now he has to work the program and prove that he can be safe here. We still go through this stage periodically - it bites.

    Kris made an *excellent* point. You are not required to stay for a full visit (or continue a phone call) if he's being inappropriate. I know it's hard to imagine leaving early but... placement is a done deal, it's non-negotiable. Rehashing it doesn't accomplish anything.

    A gentle hug to you. I think you have a healthy mindset about this - the placement is necessary so he can learn to function appropriately down the line. It's heartbreaking for us and beyond difficult, but I do think it's good to keep the goal in mind. Hang in there.

    Oh - your mom. LOL - sorry, I've heard it all from my mother, how I'm a failure as a parent, yada yada yada. I no longer share anything more than superficial details about the kids, I bite my tongue a lot, and while I am deeply hurt that she could feel this way about me, I also know that I am doing the very best that I can so my kids will be healthy and hopefully happy adults... that's my job and it overrides any lingering need for my parents' approval. Bottom line, some grandparents just cannot understand. With my mom, it's just not worth the effort to try to explain anymore.
  9. tracy551

    tracy551 New Member

    Thanks to all for your help. It really does help to know there are others out there with the same problems with their difficult child's. All these years I thought I was the only one.
  10. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Tracy, I agree with all who posted. Typical difficult child stuff. Stay strong. Tell your mom she is allowed her neg. opinions but not allowed to voice them around you. If she does cut the conversation short. I'll lend you my rhino skin coat until you get one of your own. -rm
  11. CsonStar

    CsonStar New Member

    Well, I realize we are new on this board and all, but we can feel your pain. In addition to our 10 year old son who is a TOTAL difficult child ... we also have a 13 year old female, who has never been diagnosed with anything, yet she has a over baring kleptomanic side to her, which has forced us to send her to placement ourself, she is put into a "foster care" program, where she is sent to a single parent (sometimes with or without other childern, ours is without, so she works with JUST our child) and the child lives in their home and they are trained at dealing with these situations. I always feel terrible when I use the word "foster care" cause it seems so, abandoned, like we are the ones who was the bad people, and we abused her. But, after she stole christmas money from my aunt, who is on a VERY fixed income, then got arrested at school for stealing over $300 worth of electronics from a fello classmate we decided it was time to take action. She was becoming more and more conferntational, and we feared the worst. However, on a darker note ... since she has been in this program, she has stolen from her "foster" mothers mom, and just recently from another little girl in her class. Suppose we can look on the bright side at the SMALL victories, it didn't take near as much this time to get her to confess to it, as it did with earlier offenses, and at least this time, it was only $10, so we are hoping she will not be charged. So Tracy, our prayers are with you. And by all means just remember, YOU are the one doing the good deed here, this child NEEDS help. I know it is tough on you, just as it has been hell on me and my girlfriend to turn her daughter over to someone elses care, but we keep faith that this is what is right and that she will get the help she needs so that we can have a "normal" (if there even is a such thing) functional family, rather than pure hell on earth every day. I hope that it helps knowing you are not alone!
  12. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi Tracy,
    I agree with everyone else, typical difficult child reactions. It about broke my heart when my difficult child 1 said, "but Mom, how will I function without you?" She seemed so very fragile to me--this was part of the problem. I was afraid to let her go to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) (it was in Utah, we live in NY) in a way because I wasn't sure how she would function either!

    The second longterm placement was court ordered and she was very defiant about it. She said she would fake her way through it and then as soon as she was done she would go back to the streets and doing drugs. I said that was fine, she could do whatever she wanted when she was 18 (she went to the program when she was 17). She laughs about it now.

    It's so hard, you are doing great!

  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Tracy, hugs and support... especially with-your mom! (gulp)
    Ditto the comments here.
    When does difficult child go?
  14. tracy551

    tracy551 New Member

    Haven't been told yet. they are looking for a place "to best suit his needs"