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He ruined my day..
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<blockquote data-quote="nlj" data-source="post: 640695" data-attributes="member: 17650"><p>Hello wakeupcall.</p><p></p><p>I'm so sorry you had such a stressful day yesterday. I think this situation of your adopted son wanting to spend time with his bio family, and you having to deal with this after giving everything to bring him up and give him every oportunity in life, I think many adoptive and step parents have to deal with this. I have a step-daughter, aged ten now, who I took on when she was 1 year old. Her bio-mother is an alcoholic waste of space who has had zero input into her life. She last saw her for one hour's supervised contact when she was 3 years old. Before I married her father I read a lot about what I was taking on, and this issue that you are now dealing with came up again and again. I love my step-daughter as my own, but I do have an awareness that she may grow up and find her bio-mother and want to have a relationship with her and maybe put her on a pedestal above me and I will have to deal with the feelings that will generate for me.</p><p></p><p>Do you think that maybe talking about your feelings with some adoptive or step-parent support group might be helpful? Or even reading supportive literature for those in your situation? I don't know what specific support is available where you are. Maybe counselling would help you to work through your feelings and provide some relief for the stress and anger that you are experiencing.</p><p></p><p>I think some research shows that, should bio-mothers ever re-appear, that it can be hard for children to resist the pull, no matter how great the relationship is with you. I think you now face a particularly challenging situation as, presumably, the bio-mother is not going to disappear any time soon. The important thing is to protect your heart and your feelings and to try and find a way to accept this, however unjust or difficult you feel it is.</p><p></p><p>You have a special relationship with your son, you have been his mother in every way since his birth. Nothing will change that. Your relationship with him is special and unique, you are not and never have been a 'stand-in' for his bio-mother. Maybe he just needs to explore this and discover the truth about his bio-mother for himself. I think it is important for you to not be overly negative about his birth family in conversations with your son. It is only natural that he should want to find out where he came from and want to find out what sort of people they are. Maybe he does not realise how hurtful you are finding this.</p><p></p><p>I hope you can both find a way through.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="nlj, post: 640695, member: 17650"] Hello wakeupcall. I'm so sorry you had such a stressful day yesterday. I think this situation of your adopted son wanting to spend time with his bio family, and you having to deal with this after giving everything to bring him up and give him every oportunity in life, I think many adoptive and step parents have to deal with this. I have a step-daughter, aged ten now, who I took on when she was 1 year old. Her bio-mother is an alcoholic waste of space who has had zero input into her life. She last saw her for one hour's supervised contact when she was 3 years old. Before I married her father I read a lot about what I was taking on, and this issue that you are now dealing with came up again and again. I love my step-daughter as my own, but I do have an awareness that she may grow up and find her bio-mother and want to have a relationship with her and maybe put her on a pedestal above me and I will have to deal with the feelings that will generate for me. Do you think that maybe talking about your feelings with some adoptive or step-parent support group might be helpful? Or even reading supportive literature for those in your situation? I don't know what specific support is available where you are. Maybe counselling would help you to work through your feelings and provide some relief for the stress and anger that you are experiencing. I think some research shows that, should bio-mothers ever re-appear, that it can be hard for children to resist the pull, no matter how great the relationship is with you. I think you now face a particularly challenging situation as, presumably, the bio-mother is not going to disappear any time soon. The important thing is to protect your heart and your feelings and to try and find a way to accept this, however unjust or difficult you feel it is. You have a special relationship with your son, you have been his mother in every way since his birth. Nothing will change that. Your relationship with him is special and unique, you are not and never have been a 'stand-in' for his bio-mother. Maybe he just needs to explore this and discover the truth about his bio-mother for himself. I think it is important for you to not be overly negative about his birth family in conversations with your son. It is only natural that he should want to find out where he came from and want to find out what sort of people they are. Maybe he does not realise how hurtful you are finding this. I hope you can both find a way through. [/QUOTE]
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