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Held hostage at school; 50 minute Rage
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 193522" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>VidQueen, you've had some good advice so far. You've also got your own good sense of direction.</p><p></p><p>Now, to summarise it all (and add my own ideas):</p><p></p><p>1) Evaluation. A neuropsychologist if you can. </p><p></p><p>2) "Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. For an advance idea of the book, check out the sticky on Early Childhood. What you describe, i the apparently minor triggers and extreme results- it fits that book. That's not to say that other books aren't also useful - but THIS book has helped a lot of us, while we're still waiting for more specific stuff coming out of a diagnosis. It's a different way of coping, a different way of disciplining. And for us at least, I found it much easier.</p><p></p><p>3) Diary. I don't recommend blogging online - first, it's not private enough. What if you're cheesed off with a doctor or a teacher, you need to feel free to vent without fear that they might see your blog and get upset with you. Also, you need to avoid flamers. However, if you 'blog' to a text file on your computer (and don't forget to do back-ups) then it can be a really useful diary option. You could begin with copying your posts here to a text file.</p><p></p><p>4) Communication Book. You can do this in conjunction with a diary. What it is, is a small exercise book with a protective cover that travels in your child's bag to and from school. You write in it, the teacher writes in it. The sort of things you write are the things you would tell the teacher if you had the chance to talk for a few minutes before each school day begins. The teacher writes the sort of things he/she would tell you, at a quick chat after school. Together the information can be very helpful in surprising ways. </p><p>Example: All week the teacher had written in difficult child 3's diary that each day had been very difficult, more than usual, with difficult child 3 being more disruptive, raging more and not working as well. He was particularly bad after lunch. Meanwhile I had written that I had noticed difficult child 3 sleeping a lot more - he would go to bed earlier and was actually sleeping past his usual rising time. So the problem wasn't lack of sleep. Then on Thursday difficult child 3's behaviour improved - he was quieter, there were no rages, but he still wasn't getting much work done. At home he was still sleeping a lot more than usual. Friday - a good day, I was told. But at sports afternoon difficult child 3 said he was tired and didn't want to participate. He came home from school and came to sit next to me, resting his head on my shoulder - that is when I felt his skin and he was very hot. I took his temperature and he had a fever of 39.5C (103F). This pattern was later repeated and we learned - when difficult child 3 is GETTING sick, his behaviour gets bad. When he IS sick, his behaviour is suspiciously good. We can now anticipate - when difficult child 3's behaviour is much worse PLUS he is over-sleeping, then we keep a close eye on his temperature and pull back on his social interaction until he is stable again.</p><p>If we hadn't been using the Communication Book, we might not have made that connection for another few years, if then.</p><p></p><p>5) Your daughter could well have ODD but undoubtedly has something else that is contributing to it. Treat the underlying problem plus find a different way to deal with the tantrums and you can begin to turn things around.</p><p></p><p>6) Don't try to use force, or insist, when she is raging. You need to find another way, because she can exert more force than you can. If not now, then soon. So don't get into that habit, and find a way to get what YOU want from her, in a way that she thinks is her choice also. It can be done. Again - read "Explosive Child".</p><p></p><p>7) Work towards natural consequences. For example with the rage where she destroyed her bedroom - apart from making it safe, do not fix up her room. Leave it. Maybe help her re-make her bed, but otherwise - remove everything trashed and anything at risk of being trashed. If she complains about this - well, who trashed the room? If she wants her blankets and sheets back then yes, she can have them if she asks nicely and apologises for removing them, but she has to put them back on herself (help her if she needs it and as long as she continues to be cooperative about it). If she gets rude or bossy about the bedding, quietly walk away. SHE needs YOUR help. SHE must ask YOU to help. It is a difficult lesson, so go carefully in case she isn't up to it yet. </p><p></p><p>8) Part of the previous point - STAY CALM. STAY QUIET. Do not shout at her, do not swear at her, always stay calm. This is not easy. And it doesn't mean you have to let her run the place - not at all. But she DOES need to make her own choices, as long as they are safe choices. She has to own not only her choices, but the consequences. Avoid blame - stick with consequences. </p><p></p><p>That should do for a start. It's not easy. It's highly unlikely to be your fault, although sometimes your behaviour could be aggravating it unwittingly (I speak from experience). It can be fixed, or at least made more manageable.</p><p></p><p>Keep us posted on how you get on. Oh boy, do we understand!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 193522, member: 1991"] VidQueen, you've had some good advice so far. You've also got your own good sense of direction. Now, to summarise it all (and add my own ideas): 1) Evaluation. A neuropsychologist if you can. 2) "Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. For an advance idea of the book, check out the sticky on Early Childhood. What you describe, i the apparently minor triggers and extreme results- it fits that book. That's not to say that other books aren't also useful - but THIS book has helped a lot of us, while we're still waiting for more specific stuff coming out of a diagnosis. It's a different way of coping, a different way of disciplining. And for us at least, I found it much easier. 3) Diary. I don't recommend blogging online - first, it's not private enough. What if you're cheesed off with a doctor or a teacher, you need to feel free to vent without fear that they might see your blog and get upset with you. Also, you need to avoid flamers. However, if you 'blog' to a text file on your computer (and don't forget to do back-ups) then it can be a really useful diary option. You could begin with copying your posts here to a text file. 4) Communication Book. You can do this in conjunction with a diary. What it is, is a small exercise book with a protective cover that travels in your child's bag to and from school. You write in it, the teacher writes in it. The sort of things you write are the things you would tell the teacher if you had the chance to talk for a few minutes before each school day begins. The teacher writes the sort of things he/she would tell you, at a quick chat after school. Together the information can be very helpful in surprising ways. Example: All week the teacher had written in difficult child 3's diary that each day had been very difficult, more than usual, with difficult child 3 being more disruptive, raging more and not working as well. He was particularly bad after lunch. Meanwhile I had written that I had noticed difficult child 3 sleeping a lot more - he would go to bed earlier and was actually sleeping past his usual rising time. So the problem wasn't lack of sleep. Then on Thursday difficult child 3's behaviour improved - he was quieter, there were no rages, but he still wasn't getting much work done. At home he was still sleeping a lot more than usual. Friday - a good day, I was told. But at sports afternoon difficult child 3 said he was tired and didn't want to participate. He came home from school and came to sit next to me, resting his head on my shoulder - that is when I felt his skin and he was very hot. I took his temperature and he had a fever of 39.5C (103F). This pattern was later repeated and we learned - when difficult child 3 is GETTING sick, his behaviour gets bad. When he IS sick, his behaviour is suspiciously good. We can now anticipate - when difficult child 3's behaviour is much worse PLUS he is over-sleeping, then we keep a close eye on his temperature and pull back on his social interaction until he is stable again. If we hadn't been using the Communication Book, we might not have made that connection for another few years, if then. 5) Your daughter could well have ODD but undoubtedly has something else that is contributing to it. Treat the underlying problem plus find a different way to deal with the tantrums and you can begin to turn things around. 6) Don't try to use force, or insist, when she is raging. You need to find another way, because she can exert more force than you can. If not now, then soon. So don't get into that habit, and find a way to get what YOU want from her, in a way that she thinks is her choice also. It can be done. Again - read "Explosive Child". 7) Work towards natural consequences. For example with the rage where she destroyed her bedroom - apart from making it safe, do not fix up her room. Leave it. Maybe help her re-make her bed, but otherwise - remove everything trashed and anything at risk of being trashed. If she complains about this - well, who trashed the room? If she wants her blankets and sheets back then yes, she can have them if she asks nicely and apologises for removing them, but she has to put them back on herself (help her if she needs it and as long as she continues to be cooperative about it). If she gets rude or bossy about the bedding, quietly walk away. SHE needs YOUR help. SHE must ask YOU to help. It is a difficult lesson, so go carefully in case she isn't up to it yet. 8) Part of the previous point - STAY CALM. STAY QUIET. Do not shout at her, do not swear at her, always stay calm. This is not easy. And it doesn't mean you have to let her run the place - not at all. But she DOES need to make her own choices, as long as they are safe choices. She has to own not only her choices, but the consequences. Avoid blame - stick with consequences. That should do for a start. It's not easy. It's highly unlikely to be your fault, although sometimes your behaviour could be aggravating it unwittingly (I speak from experience). It can be fixed, or at least made more manageable. Keep us posted on how you get on. Oh boy, do we understand! Marg [/QUOTE]
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