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Held hostage at school; 50 minute Rage
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 193577" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I'm glad you mentioned respect - it is the key, I think. From my perspective of a parent of a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) child, we've learnt that you have to model the behaviour you want them to use. So whatever we do or say to him, he gives back. And it works that way for teachers, too - when he had just started school he "knocked heads" with a teacher who used sarcasm on him. She had been told about him, she had been asked to moderate her voice around him and to be aware that sudden loud noises were a problem for him. But this woman - never would accept that she didn't know everything. So she just didn't give it a second thought when she rang a handbell very loud, right behind difficult child 3. He turned round and shouted at her, "EXCUUUUSE ME!!" </p><p>She was a bit taken aback at this little Kindergarten kid being so rude (in front of other students) and because it was so public she couldn't risk losing face in front of other kids, so she immediately responded witheringly with, "No, you're supposed to excuse me!"</p><p>Any other kid would have shrivelled with shame or embarrassment, but by this point difficult child 3 had turned his back on her and stalked off. </p><p></p><p>Another kid, another teacher, another time - a possible Aspie, a gifted kid who was also very anxious and very shy in a crowd. He and difficult child 1 had 'clicked', which also tells me he was likely to be an Aspie - they seem to find each other, they recognise kindred spirits.</p><p>It was the class Christmas party, difficult child 1 was in Year 1 and this boy was his best friend and classmate. I was there because I'd brought along some party food for them, difficult child 1 was at that time on a special diet. </p><p>I saw this boy sitting quietly on the steps while the other kids were all playing a game nearby. I asked the teacher if the boy was alright; she replied witheringly, "Oh, he's just attention-seeking. Claims he feels sick - it's funny how he always says he feels sick just to get out of having to join in."</p><p>Just then the boy threw up all over the steps. The teacher rushed over and began to fuss about the mess he had made, and sent another student off for a bucket of water and some sawdust. I happened to be standing quite close - the other kids had all moved back to get away from the scene, so I was the only other person to hear the boy mutter to the teacher, "I told you I was sick."</p><p></p><p>She had disrespected him, so he was speaking to her with the same disdain she had shown him. </p><p></p><p>Some parents feel that when their child shows respect to them, then they will show respect to the child. But it doesn't work that way, it's the opposite, as you have observed.</p><p></p><p>A Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kid can't learn social skills in the same way as other kids. They need to learn a different way. We shouldn't expect them to learn appropriate behaviour if they have no suitable models (including us). Another interesting observation - these kids also tend to be far more egalitarian than people realise (or can accept). We teach our children that all men are equal, but we never actually say, "except that adults are to be respected by you; but they do not have to show the same respect TO you."</p><p>Therefore when we (or another adult) disrespects a child, or treats the child in some offhand way, and that child then does or says the same thing back to them - oh no, that is unacceptable.</p><p></p><p>This is something that difficult child 3 still has issues with. We cannot make ONE mistake here, we must ALWAYS show him respect even if we think he is not respecting us. We make ONE mistake, and he not only resents it, but he will not accept that he might have also shown disrespect. Because if anyone shows ANY disrespect to him, it 'breaks the rules' in his mind, and then it's back to square one for him and his treatment of that person. He will quickly lose respect for anyone he feels has disrespected him.</p><p></p><p>It's ironic - he has to work really hard on respect. But he won't accept that sometimes other people have to, as well. As a result, anyone who has difficulty with this, is going to continue to have difficulty with his responses to them.</p><p></p><p>We just had yet another of these blow-ups tonight, right on bedtime. Sometimes you feel you have to be superhuman and super-perfect, to be a successful parent of a difficult child.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 193577, member: 1991"] I'm glad you mentioned respect - it is the key, I think. From my perspective of a parent of a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) child, we've learnt that you have to model the behaviour you want them to use. So whatever we do or say to him, he gives back. And it works that way for teachers, too - when he had just started school he "knocked heads" with a teacher who used sarcasm on him. She had been told about him, she had been asked to moderate her voice around him and to be aware that sudden loud noises were a problem for him. But this woman - never would accept that she didn't know everything. So she just didn't give it a second thought when she rang a handbell very loud, right behind difficult child 3. He turned round and shouted at her, "EXCUUUUSE ME!!" She was a bit taken aback at this little Kindergarten kid being so rude (in front of other students) and because it was so public she couldn't risk losing face in front of other kids, so she immediately responded witheringly with, "No, you're supposed to excuse me!" Any other kid would have shrivelled with shame or embarrassment, but by this point difficult child 3 had turned his back on her and stalked off. Another kid, another teacher, another time - a possible Aspie, a gifted kid who was also very anxious and very shy in a crowd. He and difficult child 1 had 'clicked', which also tells me he was likely to be an Aspie - they seem to find each other, they recognise kindred spirits. It was the class Christmas party, difficult child 1 was in Year 1 and this boy was his best friend and classmate. I was there because I'd brought along some party food for them, difficult child 1 was at that time on a special diet. I saw this boy sitting quietly on the steps while the other kids were all playing a game nearby. I asked the teacher if the boy was alright; she replied witheringly, "Oh, he's just attention-seeking. Claims he feels sick - it's funny how he always says he feels sick just to get out of having to join in." Just then the boy threw up all over the steps. The teacher rushed over and began to fuss about the mess he had made, and sent another student off for a bucket of water and some sawdust. I happened to be standing quite close - the other kids had all moved back to get away from the scene, so I was the only other person to hear the boy mutter to the teacher, "I told you I was sick." She had disrespected him, so he was speaking to her with the same disdain she had shown him. Some parents feel that when their child shows respect to them, then they will show respect to the child. But it doesn't work that way, it's the opposite, as you have observed. A Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kid can't learn social skills in the same way as other kids. They need to learn a different way. We shouldn't expect them to learn appropriate behaviour if they have no suitable models (including us). Another interesting observation - these kids also tend to be far more egalitarian than people realise (or can accept). We teach our children that all men are equal, but we never actually say, "except that adults are to be respected by you; but they do not have to show the same respect TO you." Therefore when we (or another adult) disrespects a child, or treats the child in some offhand way, and that child then does or says the same thing back to them - oh no, that is unacceptable. This is something that difficult child 3 still has issues with. We cannot make ONE mistake here, we must ALWAYS show him respect even if we think he is not respecting us. We make ONE mistake, and he not only resents it, but he will not accept that he might have also shown disrespect. Because if anyone shows ANY disrespect to him, it 'breaks the rules' in his mind, and then it's back to square one for him and his treatment of that person. He will quickly lose respect for anyone he feels has disrespected him. It's ironic - he has to work really hard on respect. But he won't accept that sometimes other people have to, as well. As a result, anyone who has difficulty with this, is going to continue to have difficulty with his responses to them. We just had yet another of these blow-ups tonight, right on bedtime. Sometimes you feel you have to be superhuman and super-perfect, to be a successful parent of a difficult child. Marg Marg [/QUOTE]
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