Hello

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Nicwin, Apr 22, 2016.

  1. Nicwin

    Nicwin New Member

    hi I discovered this forum a few days ago and have been reading all your stories with sadness and some comfort that there are other people out there struggling just like me.

    My Story: I have two children, live in England
    easy d aged 13, we have a great realationship and she continues to thrive despite some difficulties over the last few years which I will get to.
    Diffecult son aged 16, lives with his dad not diagnosed with anything but has major attitude and anger problems.
    Me aged 42 artist, working hard to keep a roof over our heads, happy at times but wracked with guilt

    My son has always been difficult from day one but as he was my first you don't know any different so I struggled on doing my best and loving my brown eyed, blonde haired boy. Terrible twos turned to awful threes, stressful fours....... The tantrums just never seemed to end in fact they got worse. I knew it wasn't normal for a young child to get so angry and trash rooms, and when I say trash I mean TRASH. Then the phone calls started from school asking me to come and collect him as he had become very angry and they couldn't stop it. I spoke to doctors who told me he would grow out of it but he didn't I took him to a counsellor which seemed to help although he still couldn't/didn't do the things the counsellor told him to do. I read books, looked at his diet, spoke to the school nurse, begged the doctor for help but got nowhere. Over the years things did seem to get better, and I did everything I could to be a good and loving mum to both my kids.
    3.5 years ago I found out my husband had been having an affair and he left. It was an awful time but we struggled on and re built our lives but there seemed to be an imbalance in the home. DS did and said what he wanted, he saw lots of his dad as they have a mutual hobby which they did together but at home he was so aggressive and I felt I had no say in my own home. He would eat food and throw the wrappers everywhere, he was extremely fussy eater and would come home at 9 or 10 at night and demand I cook for him and fly of the handle and the smallest of things, the wrong chips, too much pasta sauce. Screaming at me one day that I was an idiot because I was ill, swearing and shouting at me because I was decorating his bedroom and there was paper on the floor. I felt like I was in an abusive realationship. He used to hit me when he was younger but this did stop quite a few years ago however I felt it was a matter of time before it started again, he did throw things and punch holes in walls etc. this isn't learned behaviour both myself and his dad are quite calm people although I have spoken to my ex's parents who told me his dad was very similar when he was young to. When he got angry I would stay very calm and tell him to leave the room until he had calmed down, but he wouldn't and if I did he would follow me. I was treading on eggshells, dreading the door opening and him coming home.

    I asked my ex for help but he did nothing, refusing to come round when I called him in tears, with son screaming in the back ground. My mum begged my ex to step in and help but he did nothing, a friend even went to see him after DS kicked off in front of her, she was so shocked, ex wouldn't speak to her.

    My daughter would get upset at times and as things got worse she once locked herself in my car to as escape although he never shouted at her or threatened her in any way, it was always aimed at me. The final straw was when he asked me for £600 for a new phone ( there was nothing wrong with his currentphone) I explained, calmly that I couldn't afford it and if he wanted it he could save up. After about 20 mins of him screaming, shouting, crying punching walls, furniture etc he calmed down cleared his throat and spat on my floor. I was gobsmacked and it was like a light came on in my head. I realised he showed me no love or care at all, if I was upset he would carry on, he was so cold, there was no respect at all. I had warned him the last time that it had to stop and if I didn't he would have to go and live with his dad, and really felt I had to make a stand and show him you just can't treat people this way. I texted his dad and told him I couldn't cope anymore and he would have to live with him and so that's it.

    I text DS from time to time asking how he is, he replies with one word answers, he came to visit Christmas Eve but I think his girlfriend made him, however he did come and it was my best Christmas present.
    I have no contact with my ex but I've heard through friends that he isn't getting on with his dad, they work together to and has a terrible attitude at work.

    I really felt I was out of options and I had to protect both me and my daughter but know I feel so guilty. I feel like I've abandoned him, that I'm a bad parent. Did I give in too easy, I realise my problems are nothing compared to some people on here, there are as yet no drugs or drink involved and I'm praying it stays that way, but I'm feeling so down at the moment.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I think you did the right thing. I also think son sounds mentally ill, disrespectful and possibly dangerous. If you dont want to think about yourself, although you should, you did right by your daughter.
    Why feel guilty for protecting her from volatile brother?
    Welcome to the site!!
     
  3. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Active Member

    Welcome Nicwin. :welcomecat:Feeling guilty about your son serves no purpose. For what's it's worth, I do think you were in an abusive relationship. I think that you have a right to be respected and safe in your own home. For whatever the reason, your son felt like he could walk all over you. I think it was a sound decision to have him live with his father. You haven't abandoned him; you want him to learn to be civilized. You suddenly realized that it wasn't happening while he was living with you. You decided to make a change in order to give him the opportunity to mature.

    Ferb has also always been a very angry boy. Parenting him has been a huge effort. There were days when he was younger when I wanted to return him to the hospital for a refund. Later, I wanted to divorce him. The turning point for Ferb happened last fall when he smashed his cell phone on the table in anger. It broke. I refused to replace it. Ferb's friends insisted that he get anger management counseling. The new counselor, getting a job, and losing his video games have all worked together to help Ferb mature.

    You have no way of knowing what will help your son. It's seems clear to me that living with you was not going to push him to mature. I hope your ex will help him figure it out. I think your parenting job now has changed. You're still his mother, but you have to find a way to parent from a distance.

    You said your son does not do drugs or alcohol. Is he a gamer?
     
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  4. Nicwin

    Nicwin New Member

    He did play the odd video game but not that often he spends a lot of time with his girlfriend who is a lovely and very sensible girl but that realationship is on the rocks at the moment. His other hobbie is racing stock cars which he loves and a great way of learning about engines. i don't have much respect for my ex, he is very good at his job though and would be able to teach DS a good trade but from what I've heard DS is started to treat his dad with disrespect too. I'm terrified things won't work out between him and his dad, as neither of them are good communicators but I am and I couldn't find a way to get through to him and god knows I tried.
     
  5. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Hi Nicwin and welcome - glad you found us.

    You know how when you're flying with kids and the flight attendant gives instructions on how to use the oxygen mask? You are supposed to put *yours* on first, and then your kids'. If you don't take care of yourself, you will be unable to help your kids.

    I understand your guilt, have felt it myself a whole lot over the years, but I don't believe *any* of us should feel guilty for doing our very best and then needing to take time to heal/recover/get ready for the next round. You protected yourself and your daughter. I can only say BRAVO to you.

    Give yourself a break, ok??? ;)

    Again, welcome.
     
  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Trust me when I say this: MOST parents out there would have given up LONG before you did. On this forum, well... we're the Warrior Parents - battle tested with the scars to prove it. You are one of us.

    I take it your son has never had any sort of diagnosis? There would be a number of possibilities, but some things that I caught in your post include:
    - being difficult from a very young age
    - very picky eater
    - tantrums and rages long beyond the terrible twos
    - "just doesn't get it" when it comes to relationships

    There's probably more. But there is a chance that he is dealing with Asperger's or something similar. He will be very good at certain narrow interests - but not get the bigger picture. You tried hard to get help for him - and there would have been good interventions if you could have gotten a diagnosis - but like so many of our kids, help wasn't available when we needed it.
     
  7. WordNerd

    WordNerd New Member

    It sounds like you did the hard, but right, thing in protecting the one you could. At least you haven't given up on him. Welcome.
     
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