HELP!!! easy child won't stop lying!!! Need Suggestions!

[Christal22]

Help!!! Our easy child is almost 11. She will not stop lying!!! We have done everything to punish her. Nothing effects her.
We have taken away the tv, radio, magazines, Nintendo DS, interent, friends, phone all at the same time once. We have given her chores to punish...I'm out of ideas. Nothing effects her.

She mostly lies about grades. We asked her this morning if she had any graded papers in her bag. We asked three times giving her the chance to tell the truth. She said no. She knew we would look. WHY LIE if you KNOW your going to get caught????
I don't get it.

We are not hard on our kids about grades. We expect them to apply themselves but don't expect genius kids.
She studied her tail off for a science test two weeks ago, we helped her. she ended up bringing home a 71 on the test. We told her we were so proud of her. Mostly because she tried. Any ideas on why she is lying? Any suggestions on punishments??? I'm out of ideas!! The only recourse I can think of now is to stay in my PJ's and go to school all day with her!!!!

HELP!

 

[Abbey]

People who habitually lie...habitually lie until something comes to bite them in the rear. Lieing about grades is big to you, but probably not to her. I've known many students in the past who do this. It doesn't seem to change until their lies become adult problems, meaning that it doesn't seem to catch their eye until they are adults. Even then it doesn't seem to make a difference for some.

I really don't know how you can change this other than to calmly call her on it each time. Wish I had better advice!

Abbey

 

[meowbunny]

I found no punishment or consequence worked. What did work was not giving my daughter a chance to lie. I didn't bother asking if there were papers in her backpack. The routine was it was emptied out every day after school and everything would be looked at together. I didn't ask questions when possible. I simply tried to find the answer without asking. If I was forced to ask a question, I'd ignore whatever answer was first given and ask again about 10 minutes later. I'd either use the excuse that I forgot what her answer was or that I hadn't heard it. (That gave her an out to change the answer.)

My theory as why my daughter lied was this. It was automatic for her to deny anything when first asked. Once that denial was out of her mouth, she was stuck. She didn't know how to take the denial back (it really wasn't a lie per se, it was truly an automatic reflex). There was no way she could go back and make it right in her mind, so, the denial would become a lie. By taking the issue out of a question and just doing as much as possible without asking, it really did help.

She is now 20 and rarely lies. She may not answer if she knows I won't like the answer but the lying stopped. I asked her about this one day and she told me that she finally saw that the truth was easier. Go figure!

 

[KC but no sunshine band]

Hi Christal,

Perhaps your easy child is looking for extra attention. Sometimes the easy child looks for extra attention because the difficult child gets so much attention. At any rate, I had the same issues with my difficult child. He would lie constantly. I tried several types of consequences. Spanking, grounding, taking away privs, etc... What finally worked for him was when I made up my special concoction of "lying juice" and made him take it after lying to me. The ingredients I used went something like this:

Listerine lemon juice Worcestershire's sauce tabasco


:thumbsdown: It didn't take much of this concoction to make him realize that lying wasn't a good thing to do. You can use other disgusting ingredients but you get the idea. I never made him swallow it but just the taste of it was enough to make him think twice about lying. Now all I have to do is ask him if I should get out the "Lying juice"... it sends shivers through him as he shudders. However, he doesn't lie anymore. :salute: Good luck.

Kathy

 

[everywoman]

MB---Great suggestion. If you know they are going to lie, and you already know the answer---why ask and give them the rope to hang themselves---Where were you years ago when I needed this---Thanks for giving me a light bulb moment!

 

[nvts]

Did you check to see if her tongue is black? Only Moms and Dads can see it, but if you lie your tongue turns black. Also, those little white spots that grow out on the pink part of your finger nails are lies growing out.

Here's what works best: lie back. So when you catch her in a lie, lie back. Whoa, those are great grades that you're quoting, quick get your coat on we're going out to dinner! Get your coat on, keys, etc. got to the door and then yell "NOT".

When someone lies to you, they are calling you stupid. Tell her that, and walk away.

Good luck!

Beth

 

[Star*]

With my son and grades I set up an email system with his teachers so I could ALREADY have test scores before he came home. HE KNEW this - it stopped a lot of lying which I think was a bad habit he got into. I would say "How did you do on the test?" and he would say "Did Ms. J email you?" and I would say "Yes, she did." and he would stomp off saying "Well then you already KNOW how I did." and that became the basis for a lot of "How did you do's?" He thought I knew EVERYTHING - and I got into the habit of knowing the answer before I asked him anything - it put HIM into the habit of telling me the truth - What he did then was just not tell me stuff he did that I didn't know about. So I don't have an answer - But I did find this article.


Unhappy Child
Insights for Parents:
Why Children Lie

Lying is a skill all children learn. It is a tool for avoiding blame or punishment, and for shoring up a poor self-image. While all children lie, some do it much more than others. Psychologists who study lying have found patterns that help predict which children will lie the most.

The key difference appears to be the emotional well-being of the child. Children who are chronic liars don't feel good about themselves. Even so, repeated lying can be a sign of several underlying problems, each of which requires a different response from parents.

The most common reasons for lying, particularly among younger children, is a fear of punishment. This is especially true when the punishment is severe or the parents have unrealistically high expectations for their children. For example, a colleague told me about a family she had been counseling. The five-year-old girl's stepfather insisted that she do such things as putting away all her clothes without being asked, and clearing the table after dinner. He punished her if she didn't. The girl would say she had done the chores, even if she'd (predictably) forgotten.

Although the stepfather complained about the girl's lying, the underlying issue was his inappropriate expectations of what a normal five-year-old could do. The child was handling the situation the best way she knew how. Given her limited abilities and powerlessness within the family, lying was actually an adaptive response.

Older school-age children will also lie to enhance their self-esteem and social status. For example, they may claim to have met a particular rock star, actor, or sports figure, or they may exaggerate their parents' wealth. Occasional lies like this are seldom anything to worry about, since they're to be expected in the course of children's games of one-upmanship.

But repeated lies about social status are a sign of trouble. They tell you that the child has a bad attitude about himself. Ask yourself why he might be feeling humiliated or worthless. Is he being ignored? Has he been the butt of jokes, or been belittled?

For older children, chronic lying is often a rebellion against restrictions. It is a way to challenge a parent's authority. Preteens no longer feel they must tell their parents everything they do; they may respond with a lie to what they perceive as an intrusive question.

As they grow older, children realize that the greatest control they can have is the control of information. Generally, the more intrusive or overinvolved parents are, the more likely it is that preadolescents will lie by omitting information. Often they do this blatantly, as if to emphasize their growing need for privacy. "Where did you go?" "Nowhere." What did you do?" "Nothing." "Who was there?" "Nobody you'd know."

A sudden increase in lying can also be a signal that something's wrong in the family. This is especially true if the child is acting out in other ways, such as stealing or committing vandalism. You should pay particular attention if the victims of the thefts or other petty crimes are other family members. Often this is a cry for help that is much louder than his words alone could be.

For example, it's not too unusual when counseling a preadolescent who has done something dramatic and new, such as stealing and crashing the family car, or who has been arrested for burglary, to discover that his parents were contemplating a divorce. Creating this crisis was the only way the child could think of to reunite his parents, if only for the moment. While his motivations were unconscious, his actions addressed his strong needs.

article copied from:
https://web.archive.org/web/20120416085052/http://www.drkutner.com/parenting/articles/lying.html

 

[HereWeGoAgain]

That is a very good article, except that I disagree with this:

"Generally, the more intrusive or overinvolved parents are, the more likely it is that preadolescents will lie by omitting information. Often they do this blatantly, as if to emphasize their growing need for privacy. "Where did you go?" "Nowhere." What did you do?" "Nothing." "Who was there?" "Nobody you'd know." (emphasis added)

In my opinion, those three questions, "Where did you go?", "What did you do?", and "Who was there?", are not "intrusive" or "overinvolved". On the contrary, parents of preadolescents, and adolescents too, need to know those things.

Our easy child 3 lied about schoolwork too, and like you, we found that nothing worked. Eventually we hit on the same solution as MB and Star: don't give them the opportunity to lie. He grew out of it. (There were still consequences (grounding) for lying, when he was caught). difficult child didn't lie so much as just not get caught or openly defy and disobey. We cut our teeth on difficult child so the other kids weren't able to pull the wool over our eyes much.