Help Help Help

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Quanya, Feb 15, 2008.

  1. Quanya

    Quanya New Member

    My difficult child is driving me bananas. I have tried everything. I can not afford therapists and I do not qualify for state assistance. I am thinking of giving up my parental rights and sending her to juvenile for a month. Someone please give me some advice on where to go. My 3yr old son is now copying her behavior. I have on the verge of losing my job. I just lost my transportation. I am having migraine headaches everyday and my blood pressure is sky high. Please someone direct me in the right direction.
     
  2. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome. Can you give us some more details of what's going on?

    You might try your county's mental health dept.. most of them have a sliding scale for therapy. At least give their crisis line a call and talk to someone.
     
  3. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Sorry for all the questions, but your answers will help us point you in the right direction.

    What kind of doctor gave her the diagnosis of ODD?
    Is she taking any medications? If so, what?
    What specific behaviors concern you?
    What are you doing that is not working?
    How does she do in school, both academically and with peers?
    Does she have sensory issues?
    Any speech or developmental delays?
    Any mental health issues or substance abuse in the family tree?

    I hope we can give you some ideas based on your answers. I know this is hard -- hang in there.
     
  4. Quanya

    Quanya New Member

    Ok History
    My difficult child is 11 yrs old. She has been diagnosis with ODD with anger issues. She is not on medication. She has been to 6 schools in the past 3 years. She is in an inclusive school environment where she has a para who follows her every where. She does not like this at all. She is very disrespect for to all adults including myself. The other day she called the para a B**** and told her to leave her along. She was molested at 7 and is very interested in boys. She told me about three weeks ago she is ready to have sex. Yes she is 11. Her father told her a couple of weeks ago that he does not want to be bother with her because he feels that I just want money from him. He is a occassional holiday dad. After telling her this, she was very upset. But then he shows up last night with a valentine big cookie for her. Now she is so confused with what her dad is doing. She has written two letters saying she is going to kill herself. The schools want to send her to an alternative school. I am so lost now. She has caused so much heart arche and confusion in my family. I dread answering my cell because I praying its not the school calling saying she has attacked someone or ran away. When she is upset she leaves the room at school and sometimes they do not know where she is at.
    I have called the mental health dept and they do not have a sliding scale. I have talk to a crisis line and a pyschiatrist. I am now crazy in GA.
     
  5. Quanya

    Quanya New Member

    What kind of doctor gave her the diagnosis of ODD?
    A pyschiatrist diagnosis her.

    Is she taking any medications? If so, what?
    No medications

    What specific behaviors concern you?
    disrepect
    argumental
    lying
    aggrevating
    defiant
    aggressive

    What are you doing that is not working?
    point system
    reward system
    whomping
    punishment
    If she has a good week, I would reward her with the movies and dinner. But that moday morning, she turns the school out. I allowed her to where her hair down, she turn the school out.

    How does she do in school, both academically and with peers?
    She is excellent academically. She does not have friends. She is very aggressive wth them. She is a sore loser. She is always arguing with other students.


    Does she have sensory issues?
    none that i know of.

    Any speech or developmental delays?
    None she is actually ahead in developments

    Any mental health issues or substance abuse in the family tree?
    no
     
  6. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi! What's an "alternative school"? Is it residential? Does she stay with you and take a bus?

    Sorry about the questions...but relax and don't do anything without really really looking into it.

    It's taken 11 years to get to this point...allow yourself the time to research!

    Big hugs!
    Beth
     
  7. Quanya

    Quanya New Member

    An alternative school is a school that houses children who have been put out of their zone school. I would have to drop her off and pick her up because she is always getting in an argument with the bus driver or who every else is on the bus. I so scared because she mads me so mad that I have to leave the room. My son is at a stage that he absorbs everything like a sponge. He is now challenging me because he sees her doing it.
     
  8. daralex

    daralex Clinging onto my sanity

    Hi there and so sorry your dealing with all this. My difficult child was very much the same and had similar issues. Is your difficult child open to seeing someone? If so there has to be a place near you with a sliding scale fee (I am also broke but we did find a place that would see her for free) You both need some help. I would be open to the alternative school. Check out where they want to place her and speak to the administration about your concerns. Most schools like that are used to dealing with our kids. You probably left one diagnosis out - post traumatic stress. My difficult child was also abused and that , combined with everything else has left her angry , defiant, and depressed. My thoughts are that difficult child needs to be helped now while she is still young enough to get help so that the teen years are not a complete hurricane. There are also several natural remedies that are supposed to help with depression. I wish I could be of more help - but I am dealing with al lot of the same myself. My only thought is that if she is that angry she needs a release (karate, punching bag, THERAPY, something to help her release her fears and anger) My thoughts are with you and sending ((HUGS))
    -Dara
     
  9. Quanya

    Quanya New Member

    She been in therapy for the last 2 years. She is in swimming. I am scared to put her in karate.
     
  10. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    We're not doctors here and can't diagnosis over the internet, but my suspicion is that the ODD behaviors are emananting from the abuse she suffered at age 7. Furthermore, two letters saying she's going to kill herself are a cry for help. She needs professional help to deal with this trauma.

    Do you have health insurance? Will insurance cover either an inpatient hospitalization or a day treatment program? I strongly believe help from the mental health field rather than juvie is going to get you a better result with your difficult child.
     
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there.
    Although I know your child is disrupting your house, in my opinion it's not her fault. ODD is rarely a stand alone diagnosis. Her suicide threats could be early onset bipolar or from her abuse. The abuse issues don't stop just because the abuse stopped. in my opinion it's dangerous not to have this child in therapy and she needs to see a Psychiatrist. There has to be a mental health center run by the county--they are usually "as you can afford." Early sexuality is both a symptom of childhood mania and behavior for a child who has been molested. I have kids who have been molested and they had INTENSIVE intervention (a child we adopted molested them).The county paid for most of it. They still do when needed. Also, I work in a home for abuse victims--many were abused. You can't sweep that issue under the rug nor expect a child sexually who has experienced such a violation, and is not getting help for it, to be a normal kid. My oldest daughter turned to drugs when she was twelve. She'd been assaulted at age eight, but hadn't told us. Our home doesn't charge our clients anything--it is funded by taxes and contributions. I think the question is more "how can I help her" than should I give her up. She has been through A LOT (her father doesn't help). But she's one kid crying out for help and it's coming out as defiance. in my opinion I would get started looking for resources that are not expensive. Good luck!
     
  12. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Welcome, it does sound like you have your hands full. Your daughter needs help. Punishing her for her behavior will do little good at this point. She's crying out for help every way she can. She may fight the help but that doesn't mean part of her doesn't know she needs, much like a child fighting the very medicine needed to save it.

    I did some looking and found the following places offer sliding scale mental health treatment in the Atlanta area. Hope one of them can help you:

    Center for Family Outreach Services
    Northside Mental Health
    Georgia Parent Support Network
    Cobb/Douglas Counties Community Service Boards
    Peachtree Counseling Center
    New Beginnings Ministries of Lawrenceville
    Georgia Crises and Access Line for Clayton and Fulton (free if you live in those counties, can give you assistance and help you find programs)

    If you give up your parental rights to your daughter, she'll probably be removed to a foster home (juvenile hall is highly unlikely), you'll more than likely be charged with child abandonment, you'll be at risk to lose your son. I doubt any of these are the outcomes you want. Her behavior is bad but probably not serious enough to warrant a CHINS petition. Your only true recourse is finding her therapy, hopefully one that will deal with the sexual abuse and abandonment issues she has to be facing because of sperm donor's behavior.

    I'm sorry there are no easy answers. I hope you get some help. Your little one needs it desparately.
     
  13. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Given your difficult child hx of abuse, I'm not the least bit surprised at the behaviors/choices & emotional trauma she is displaying.

    Look into a victim's aid society for help with the counseling piece. Is there a university teaching hospital about that can work with you on various testing - generally it's done on scale.

    As to the abuse piece, this is going to take years to unravel; years more to rebuild your difficult children sense of self, her sense of trust. She's learned at an early age the way to "please", for lack of a better word, men is to be provocative, flirtatious.

    As a mother, it's hard to watch. Even harder to turn around.

    With our kt, it started out teaching her that she is a survivor. Everyday, that phrase is brought into conversation at least once - most times many times a day. Mostly through song of some type. Anyone who works with kt plus myself model appropriate non flirtatious interactions with men - that includes provcative dress, dance & poses.

    kt announced to husband & myself just a few weeks back that she had to have sex & it was going to happen soon. husband & I responded as any parent of a 13 y/o. We can't stop you but you darned well better be ready for that choice. And pointed out the possible STDs, baby, loss of education, loss of income to support that baby. Father of baby going to hang around - not likely. He'll be in jail for statatory rape.

    Yes, we were very blunt with kt - had to be. Her life was tied into this fantasy.

    I wish you luck - this type of trauma in young one is so very difficult. Many times the professionals try to scoot around the PTSD that results from the trauma when that is the very thing that should be addressed.

    As to insurance - check in with county mental health. There should also be a county victims units somplace that may be able to help you. Many women's vicitm groups out there as well.

    Good luck.
     
  14. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I also think the abuse is largely behind this. She is screaming for help. I know it is SO hard as a parent.

    Please do not whomp her. It will not help. Have you checked the local domestic violence shelter? they WILL have help, it is FREE (I have not heard of one where it isn't), and they can address the molestation and other issues.

    You can set up payment arrangements with many hospitals. been there done that, on a LOT of occasions. Is there a university nearby? They may have a counselling center (where grad students do the counselling, very closely supervised) on a sliding scale fee.

    As to her father, I do not know what to say. He sounds like a jerk, and his behavior is abusive, in my humble opinion.

    Is there a Parents Resource Center in your town? They often work like a DV shelter in services and fees.

    Would you be open to a pastor, reverend, rabbi or priest helping her? OFten they have advanced degrees in counselling. At least here they do.

    I am just throwing out ideas here, the suicide letters and the "I'm ready for a baby" scare me.

    IF YOU THINK SHE IS A DANGER TO HERSELF OR OTHERS PLEASE TAKE HER TO THE HOSPITAL FOR AN EVALUATION!!!! Regardless of $$$

    Also, and this is hard to say, please please please supervise her with her little brother, it is possible she may molest him as she was molested. It is called a "vicious cycle" for a reason.

    There is a book called "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. Many have found it very helpful.

    If you will PM me your town and state, I will do a search for services, if you like. I will have time over the weekend or next week.

    Hugs,

    Susie
     
  15. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    A local YWCA has resources as well. So sorry for you and your daughter's heartache.
     
  16. Quanya

    Quanya New Member

    I would like to thank you all for all the kind words and offerings of support. I have contacted a couple of the agencies and Im waiting on return calls. I am trying to be positive everyday. She has been trying to follow the rules. I do not whomp her because she is almost taller than me.
     
  17. mama2boys

    mama2boys New Member

    I have no suggestions that haven't been made on her home behavior. However, I do know something about alternative schools. My best friend is the director of one - not in your state, unfortunately. Please look into it. It can be a very good experience for your difficult child. Meet with the director, ask how they handle situations. What I like about my friend's program is they look at each child separately and try to find ways for each of these children to succeed. They find that elusive nugget that makes learning and appropriate behavior of value to them.

    I hope you can find some help for your difficult child and your family.
     
  18. ShakespeareMamaX

    ShakespeareMamaX New Member

    I just sent this to another poster. It has many resources (hopefully for your state) and I'm hoping someone will be able to help you. Churches are good places to go, too, if even for the emotional support.

    When I had to keep leaving my job for my difficult child, I got on FMLA (family medical leave act). i don't know if the laws are different in your state, but this prevents you from being fired while having to leave to tend to any medical needs that come up during working hours.

    I can relate with karate fears as it intimidates me to send my difficult child to any program given he had gone to gymnastics, but kept getting sent out for misbehavior (you're BRAVE for having yours swim!). Someone had talked to me, though, about karate and gave me some insight on it. As I'm sure you know, Karate comes with discipline and, sometimes, if you explain to the teacher what's going on with your difficult child before enrolling her, they may be able to target these behaviors into constructive outlets in class.

    Try a trial run (so you don't waste your money). Many places offer 2 week trials or so and that should be sufficient time as to whether she can handle it or not.

    I wish you much luck and keep us posted! <3
     
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