Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
HELP! I'm drowning!
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 195567" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Welcome, Tayli.</p><p></p><p>YOu've had some good feedback so far.</p><p></p><p>A suggestion to help with the behaviour problems NOW, regardless of the underlying cause - "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. There is some good discussion on this, in a sticky on the Early Childhood forum. </p><p></p><p>Your son probably feels a strong need to control his environment - so much of what has happened to him in life has been out of his control. He would have been scared, felt ill, felt very frustrated and also probably felt very invisible at times. Doctors talking to you and not to him, sends him a message that whatever he thinks or feels, doesn't matter.</p><p></p><p>With this sort of behaviour problem, there can be many different reasons why it begins, but a lot of it comes down to underlying fear or anxiety, plus a need to plan their own life, organise their own time, set things up so they can predict what is going to happen. They don't always take well to sudden change and need time to accept this. And it needn't be a big thing - sometimes just changing the TV channel can need to be prepared for.</p><p></p><p>To help change this - you will need to change the way you handle him now. This doesn't mean you've been doing it wrong - just that the way you've been doing it, is wrong for him, where he is now. It's ironic that the worse kids behave, the tighter we tend to hold the reins and apply our controls. But where this method is sensible and works so well for most kids, it only makes these kids worse. </p><p></p><p>So the Ross Greene methods do work better, under these circumstances. You can turn around oppositional behaviour, and it needn't be a huge effort, either. But you DO need to take the information on board and work out how your son thinks and feels, in order to find a better way to help him change his behaviour for the better.</p><p></p><p>A big thing - natural consequences, instead of punishments. because when you punish, again it is someone else imposing their will onto the child. Again, this increases their frustration and resentment. Punishment is supposed to help the child learn to behave better, but it won't do this if the child doesn't 'get' the connection to what they have done, or if the child cannot see that they did anything wrong. With a resentful child, nothing positive gets learned.</p><p></p><p>But with natural consequences - it is not the parent who is imposing their will, it is simply happening because of what the child did. The connection between event and outcome is much more obvious. No blame is focussed on necessarily, because it's not about blame. Too often we become obsessed with blame and our children pick this up; the games begin and the mutual blaming distracts us from the real issues. </p><p>Someone drops a glass and it breaks. We fuss about whose fault it was - who dropped it? But who placed it too close to the edge? Who got it out of the cupboard in the first place? And so on. Meanwhile, there is broken glass on the floor, while people argue over who has more responsibility for cleaning it up.</p><p>In this case, consequences are too difficult to focus on. Blaming is getting nowhere. But if you cooperate - say to the child, "Can you fetch me the dustpan please? We need to get this glass off the floor as soon as possible, we'll do a safer job if we help each other. Will you sweep it up while I fetch some newspaper, or will you fetch some newspaper while I sweep?"</p><p>Chances are the child will help. Encourage him, thank him for his help. Ask him to use his good eyes to look for any bit that could have been missed.</p><p></p><p>Natural consequences - if any glass was missed, someone risks cutting their feet. Again, blame doesn't come into it.</p><p></p><p>Another example - your child was eating a lollipop outside on the back step and put it down for a minute to go inside. When the child comes back, it's covered in ants. Most difficult child kids will throw a tantrum over this. You COULD focus on blame and say, "Well, whose fault is this?" and the ODD child will get very aggressive and shout, "I didn't give the ants permission to eat MY lollipop!" or something similar. He could even accuse you of letting it happen, or of not rescuing the lollipop for him. All because the topic of blame got raised.</p><p></p><p>But in fact - this is not about blame. Certainly YOU aren't to blame. This is about LEARNING that ants love sugar, and you DON'T leave food lying around unattended, even for a minute. The most important thing to come out of this, is to LEARN. </p><p></p><p>As for what to do - in our house, we'd wash the lollipop. I'd preferably get the child to wash it, but I might wash the lollipop while the child watches (and helps, by checking to see if I got all the ants off).</p><p></p><p>What should happen with the change in methods - the child should stop seeing the parent as an obstacle, always spoiling their fun, and begin to see the parent as a helper, someone to turn to when there is a problem. Blame can be a huge trigger, but the lessons can still be learned, often more effectively, without blame or "I told you so".</p><p></p><p>We need to keep that aim in focus - we don't want justice as a primary aim, we want learning. Justice is just something we hope happens as part of the process. Too often we get sidetracked by it and never get to the learning stage.</p><p></p><p>Read the book (or at least the discussion). Google info about it. See what you can find.</p><p></p><p>And stick around, we can help. Good to have you on board!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 195567, member: 1991"] Welcome, Tayli. YOu've had some good feedback so far. A suggestion to help with the behaviour problems NOW, regardless of the underlying cause - "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. There is some good discussion on this, in a sticky on the Early Childhood forum. Your son probably feels a strong need to control his environment - so much of what has happened to him in life has been out of his control. He would have been scared, felt ill, felt very frustrated and also probably felt very invisible at times. Doctors talking to you and not to him, sends him a message that whatever he thinks or feels, doesn't matter. With this sort of behaviour problem, there can be many different reasons why it begins, but a lot of it comes down to underlying fear or anxiety, plus a need to plan their own life, organise their own time, set things up so they can predict what is going to happen. They don't always take well to sudden change and need time to accept this. And it needn't be a big thing - sometimes just changing the TV channel can need to be prepared for. To help change this - you will need to change the way you handle him now. This doesn't mean you've been doing it wrong - just that the way you've been doing it, is wrong for him, where he is now. It's ironic that the worse kids behave, the tighter we tend to hold the reins and apply our controls. But where this method is sensible and works so well for most kids, it only makes these kids worse. So the Ross Greene methods do work better, under these circumstances. You can turn around oppositional behaviour, and it needn't be a huge effort, either. But you DO need to take the information on board and work out how your son thinks and feels, in order to find a better way to help him change his behaviour for the better. A big thing - natural consequences, instead of punishments. because when you punish, again it is someone else imposing their will onto the child. Again, this increases their frustration and resentment. Punishment is supposed to help the child learn to behave better, but it won't do this if the child doesn't 'get' the connection to what they have done, or if the child cannot see that they did anything wrong. With a resentful child, nothing positive gets learned. But with natural consequences - it is not the parent who is imposing their will, it is simply happening because of what the child did. The connection between event and outcome is much more obvious. No blame is focussed on necessarily, because it's not about blame. Too often we become obsessed with blame and our children pick this up; the games begin and the mutual blaming distracts us from the real issues. Someone drops a glass and it breaks. We fuss about whose fault it was - who dropped it? But who placed it too close to the edge? Who got it out of the cupboard in the first place? And so on. Meanwhile, there is broken glass on the floor, while people argue over who has more responsibility for cleaning it up. In this case, consequences are too difficult to focus on. Blaming is getting nowhere. But if you cooperate - say to the child, "Can you fetch me the dustpan please? We need to get this glass off the floor as soon as possible, we'll do a safer job if we help each other. Will you sweep it up while I fetch some newspaper, or will you fetch some newspaper while I sweep?" Chances are the child will help. Encourage him, thank him for his help. Ask him to use his good eyes to look for any bit that could have been missed. Natural consequences - if any glass was missed, someone risks cutting their feet. Again, blame doesn't come into it. Another example - your child was eating a lollipop outside on the back step and put it down for a minute to go inside. When the child comes back, it's covered in ants. Most difficult child kids will throw a tantrum over this. You COULD focus on blame and say, "Well, whose fault is this?" and the ODD child will get very aggressive and shout, "I didn't give the ants permission to eat MY lollipop!" or something similar. He could even accuse you of letting it happen, or of not rescuing the lollipop for him. All because the topic of blame got raised. But in fact - this is not about blame. Certainly YOU aren't to blame. This is about LEARNING that ants love sugar, and you DON'T leave food lying around unattended, even for a minute. The most important thing to come out of this, is to LEARN. As for what to do - in our house, we'd wash the lollipop. I'd preferably get the child to wash it, but I might wash the lollipop while the child watches (and helps, by checking to see if I got all the ants off). What should happen with the change in methods - the child should stop seeing the parent as an obstacle, always spoiling their fun, and begin to see the parent as a helper, someone to turn to when there is a problem. Blame can be a huge trigger, but the lessons can still be learned, often more effectively, without blame or "I told you so". We need to keep that aim in focus - we don't want justice as a primary aim, we want learning. Justice is just something we hope happens as part of the process. Too often we get sidetracked by it and never get to the learning stage. Read the book (or at least the discussion). Google info about it. See what you can find. And stick around, we can help. Good to have you on board! Marg [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
HELP! I'm drowning!
Top