OK, I'm back. Blame it on time zones.
You've already got some great advice here, try to sift through it and take it on board. You sound like the kids have you beaten down and in retreat. To a certian extent this gives them the wrong kind of control over you, and also frightens them (and makes them lose respect for you). You also lose self-respect every time they send you packing. Downward spiral, on all fronts. Not good.
This can turn around. But don't try to do it by becomeing a martinet. Being a harpie of a mother, or an autocrat of a father, gets you nowhere with any hit of ODD in the kids. If anything, it sends it even faster downward.
Instead, you need to become of value to them, in so many ways. Now, it is not fashionable for a kid to say, "I need my mother," so you have that to counter as well. But there are ways around that. "Dad jokes" are one way. A parent is allowed to be daggy (or is that just Aussie slang? It means lame) but you can still be cool in other ways. I aimed to be cool, in being someone my kids could talk to as well as someone their friends could talk to. Plus when difficult child 1's friends tried to gross me out with a really "off" joke, I turned the tables on them so well that they never dared do it again, but respected me for it afterwards. Whatever you do, keep your sense of humour, your compassion and your own grounding. If you are able to feel grounded (or at least pretend you feel grounded) then it gives the kids a sense of grounding around them, a sense that somewhere in their lives, is stability. They really don't like being without that, no matter how hard they try to kick you away and pretend they are independent adults.
Now, something I also have done, that I find can turn things around with teens trying to be independent - openly plan with them to work towards living independently. Their ultimate aim, I expect, is to finish school, maybe go to college or maybe get a job, but to move away from home and live independently, right? Well, it's time to begin living like that NOW. Because when you first leave home, you rarely live in a place all by yourself. More commonly, you share an apartment with someone. And if you share an apartment, you need to know HOW to live like this. There are manners needing to be learned, cooperation needing to be practised. Whose turn is it to do the washing? Put away the dishrack? Who is cooking for dinner? For how many?
You are going to need to change your mindset - these are no longer little children, tey are adults in training and need to be treated as such (even if they don't treat you that way). As Dr Phil says (and don't all jump on me, he does say somethings which are good), "Someone has to be the hero here." That generally means you, the more mature, experienced person, has to begin to set the example, show by your own actions what behaviour you require from them. They will not get it immediately. Don't jump on them for being rude. But neither should you accept the burden of it either. Just shrug it loose and walk away. Or perhaps quietly say, "I'm not shouting at you. Please do not shout at me. I can hear you perfectly well." Always present a quiet, calm front and in doing so, you are setting the standard for the behaviour you want them to display. Model it for them, always. YOU are their example, their template. Especially with ODD, this is how it can begin to work in your favour.
It seems so simple, but it's not always easy. There will be a lot of tongue-biting going on, to begin with. But it does work, and you should begin to see results within a few days. Any time you break down and shout back at them or have a fight with them, it undermines your positive efforts and delays the onset of benefits. Plus they won't become perfect angels. Just improve.
Now, the rules we used in our household - I drew on my past experience as a uni student living in shared accommodation. I thought back to how it worked. Different houses had different rules and whenever we moved to a new share house, we had to quickly familiarise ourselves with the new rules. However, if you're setting up together, you have a house meeting and together draft the house rules. I suggest you do this with your girls. Maybe wait a little, a week or so, while you change your own resposes to them. Hopefully this will have begun to make an improvement. Because you can't do it all at once, you need to give them time to take Part A on board before you launch into Part B as well.
So, the house meeting - begin by announcing to the girls that you are aware of their increasing maturity and that one day soon (in your calendar) they will be looking to leaving home and living as adults. So to that end, you want to help them adapt to that, by starting now. You are still house parent, the lease is in your name (to use this analogy of share house) so you have the final say (especially when it comes to making modifications that could lose the bond, such as putting nails in the walls or damaging the building or contents). However, mutual consideration is the first big rule. When you share living space you have to learn to consider the others in your living space. You could be living in a castle, or living in a squat under a bridge, you have to consider the others in your area.
Consideration is shown as following:
1) either sharing in chores, or not adding to the workload of other housemates. Sometimes equal sharing isn't practical, as in cases where one housemate has a job and another does not. The one who has a job may contribute by doingthe shopping on the way home from work, while the other (who may hve more time) does a heavier load of cleaning and cooking. But the contribution needs to be fairly equal.
2) Chores such as washing (ones own clothes) should be handled according to house consensus - if person A is doing a load of washing and there is still room, Person A calls out, "Does anyone have something that needs to go in the wash?"
Otherwise, especially in house members who generate a lot of wahsing, thye need to be taught how to do it themselves. And doing the washing yourself means following it through ALL the processes. Washing, drying, ironing (if done) and putting it away.
I have my own routine which I taught the kids. You load the washing machine (according to how it functions best). You then MUST get the washing out when it is done (don't leave it for days, it's in the way for other people who need to use it). We then hang out the washing (no clothes dryer) but we do it carefully, shaking out the clothes netly, hanging shirts on hangers with the top button done up (the button you do up on a man's shirt if he is wearing a tie). Trousers are folded over a hanger or over the clothes line, button ondone but zip done up, so the previous creases will dry in place correctly. It takes a few minutes longer but eliminates the need for ironing. Similarly, t-shirts are folded over the line and pegged at the armpits. That way, peg marks won't show.
If you hang stuff on hangers and it begins to rain, it's quick and easy to grab it all and get it in.
When removing clothes from the line, you MUST fold them immediately, or all that hard work is wasted, ironing will be needed, big-time.
A trick I got from my sister - don't use soft-sided washing baskets. Use rigid-walled plastic tubs. Easier to carry. She had a different-coloured one for each of her five kids and when fetching clothes in, woud carry out say, the pink one and get in only Daughter A's stuff. Then she would get the orange one and bring in Daughter B's stuff. And so on. Or if rain threatened and she had to get everything inside in a hurry, she would throw it all into one basket and immediately she got inside, she would fold and sort, all washing going neatly folded into each child's tub. Clothes likely to get confused, she marked with a coloured dot to indicate which kid.
That way each kid got their clothes back clean, neatly folded and ready to put away. It was then each person's responsibility to do this so there was an empty tub available to receive their washing next wash-day. Oh, and the tubs stacked inside one another when not in use.
With washing - if you let it get on top of you, you can end up with a mountain of ironing bigger than Everest. The stuff at the bottom will all be too small for the kids and making the pile look even worse by simply being there (and not out of the house adorning some smaller cousin).
Stuff needing to be washed - the kids have to put it into the laundrty area themselves, in the correct place, ready to be washed. This means pockets emptied (although I kept a bucket in the laundry to receive coins, sticks, stones, small toys, bottle caps). I also got my kids to begin the pre-soak process. Bad BO smells are easily dealt with by having a spray bottle of white vinegar in the laundry, and getting the offending clothing sprayed with the vinegar. it doesn't matter if it dries before it gets washed - as soon as it gets wet again, the low pH will be rthere, doing the job of breaking down the offending bacterial proteins causing the smells (which can pass to other garments in the wash if not treated). A kid whose clothing is really bad - we had to wash separately. Especially the boys. At least you have girls! But if it's really bad (such as six months worth of socks that used to be white but are now dark brown) thne hit them with vinegar, then a warm (not hot, it cooks it in) enzyme soak. Then wash as normal. Cold wash, never hot, it cooks in the smells.
I had my kids trained. The older ones are now training their partners. That training includes the boys, even difficult child 1 with his domestic blindness and total ineptness. He at least knows how to do the laundry.
OK, I've given you laundry as an example. You probably have your own methods.
Other important rules connected with respectfor house mates - let people know where you are going, how you cna be contatced and when you will be home (especially if you will be home for meals, and if you are bringing someone home). Catering requires communication. If someone goes to te trouble of cooking a roast dinner for four, and finds two people not coming home - that is poor management. It's poor money-wise, it's poor communication-wise. Since a roast dinner requires some planning and has to be put on several hours ahead (unless it's a quick roast) then advance notice (and sticking to it) is needed.
This has nothing to do with "I'm checking up on you, I have you on a leash." it is simply courtesy and respect. In our house, the adults let the kids know where they will be and when they will be home, just as much as the kids let the adults know. If they change their minds and decide to stop over at a friend's house for dinner, we let each other know (and make sure they're OK with it).
This attitude has to continue into independent adulthood, if you expect people to respect you and want to spend time with you.
Example - a woman I know of about 50 lives alone. She is involved in various local groups, she helps out at various times. But she is so unreliable, she is notorious. She was in a play I was producing, had a fairly important role. She needed a few accommodations made for her which were a bit inconvenient for others, but we made the changes for her. Then on performance night, although she had been rehearsing right up to the day - she simply failed to show up. So I had to rapidly make the changes back, and step into her shoes (despite not having rehearsed it that way and despite still being ill myself).
Again, she was helping set tables for her friend's birthday party last weekend. She had her hair done at the hairdresser's. But on the night - no show. No call, nothing. It was catered, so her empty seat was obvious. We ate her dessert for her at our table. But when the topic comes up, eyes are raised heavenward. Next day someone said, "She told me she fell asleep and didn't wake up in time to come." Other times she has confessed to me, "I get caught up on the computer and lost track of time." Whatever the reason - it's bad organisation to still be doing this, at 50. She lives her life on making excuses for her surprising absences, instead of planning ahead to be where she has agreed to be. There's undoubtedly something else going on with her, but if she had been taught early enough to show consideration for others, she wouldn't be in this sort of mess.
You will undoubtedly be able to think of other things like this that you would like. Don't have too many rules, try to make the rules more general in purpose (such as consideration) but with specifics underneath that larger umbrella. And involve them in these rules. If things aren't working, have another meeting and ask their opinion on how they think it's working. Also give your opinion, if you had ap problems describe it and ask if they can think of a better way for you to have handled it.
This is involving them in their own upbringing. While this can seem scary, it's also forsing in tem the very independence they crave, but with you in control to guide them towards true independent living.
And don't be too afraid that they siply aren't mature enough yet - it's the ODD ones who have already demonstrated their ability to control, who have the best chance of success. All you are doing is guiding them in developing this more sensibly. They have to drive. But you need to be able to steer, just a little bit.
Marg