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Help please - can't get my thoughts together
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 110789" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>You begin with one sentence outlining the problem and your concern. </p><p></p><p>You then briefly give background - T's bio-mother gave up parental rights and this is a good thing because... also outline why it is important that contact be prevented and just how well this is known to DHS.</p><p></p><p>You then describe the interaction. In here you emphasise the points of concern, which are - DHS allowed this to happen when they had the knowledge and frankly, the responsibility, to prevent. Try to not get distracted by irrelevancies.</p><p></p><p>Next - the consequences. Also list here the possible longer-term consequences as well as any past issues which DHS would have known.</p><p></p><p>Finally - finish with a "please respond" in some form, along with, "I need assurances that this will not happen again."</p><p></p><p>It is possible that bio-mother was not lying. She would have her own case-worker whose job it is, to make problems smaller for her. Let's say you're a caseworker whose client has had a child removed, and the people who took that child have also handed him over to someone else (an indication that the child is a handful and an implication that said handful is not the bio-parents' fault) and you happen to have an opportunity to reassure the bio-mother that the child is doing OK and she can see him, even if those idiotic courts have ordered otherwise. So of course you arrange for her to happen to walk through the same room. </p><p></p><p>It would be understandable for a caseworker of the mother's to feel this way, if all she's been exposed to is the bio-mother's point of view.</p><p></p><p>I'm not in any way saying you are wrong - read my earlier post, if you are in doubt. Only that I suspect bio-mother could have been getting very mixed signals. There is no way she should have been in the same room, especially not with the knowledge of the staff there. And yet clearly they did know she would see him and seemed to be OK with this. THAT is what rally concerns me and I think is muddying the waters badly. No wonder difficult child got the wrong message - it was coming from not just his egg donor, it was also coming from the officials who are supposed to be keeping him safe.</p><p></p><p>If bio-mother is not supposed to have contact with your son, then how did this happen? "It's Christmas." [*memories of chintzy Christmas movies*]</p><p></p><p>So don't say that bio-mother was lying. It's a distraction from the real issue - bio-mother should not have been permitted in the same room, and that is not her fault. Someone was not doing their job. And I'm thinking it's even possible (but don't say this) that some starry-eyed romantic half-organised a reconciliation out of sheer idiocy.</p><p></p><p>You need to make very clear that the courts have ordered no contact (and this should be respected) for very good reasons. Now as a result, he's back on the subject of "I want to see her" when past experience has shown this is a bad thing. Courts do not allow parental rights to be extinguished without darn good reasons. A lot of harm appears to have resulted (or could have resulted) as the result of what was either carelessness, or possibly worse, someone's romantic ideal of "let's get the child and mother together for a reunion so they can all play happy families."</p><p></p><p>Bio-mother in the same room, especially at Christmas - of course she would want to give him a hug, to continue the self-image of herself as wronged and loving parent.</p><p>But someone enabled this, either through carelessness or sabotage. it doesn't matter how - the result is the issue. And those charged with his welfare are the ones who should be asked to explain.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 110789, member: 1991"] You begin with one sentence outlining the problem and your concern. You then briefly give background - T's bio-mother gave up parental rights and this is a good thing because... also outline why it is important that contact be prevented and just how well this is known to DHS. You then describe the interaction. In here you emphasise the points of concern, which are - DHS allowed this to happen when they had the knowledge and frankly, the responsibility, to prevent. Try to not get distracted by irrelevancies. Next - the consequences. Also list here the possible longer-term consequences as well as any past issues which DHS would have known. Finally - finish with a "please respond" in some form, along with, "I need assurances that this will not happen again." It is possible that bio-mother was not lying. She would have her own case-worker whose job it is, to make problems smaller for her. Let's say you're a caseworker whose client has had a child removed, and the people who took that child have also handed him over to someone else (an indication that the child is a handful and an implication that said handful is not the bio-parents' fault) and you happen to have an opportunity to reassure the bio-mother that the child is doing OK and she can see him, even if those idiotic courts have ordered otherwise. So of course you arrange for her to happen to walk through the same room. It would be understandable for a caseworker of the mother's to feel this way, if all she's been exposed to is the bio-mother's point of view. I'm not in any way saying you are wrong - read my earlier post, if you are in doubt. Only that I suspect bio-mother could have been getting very mixed signals. There is no way she should have been in the same room, especially not with the knowledge of the staff there. And yet clearly they did know she would see him and seemed to be OK with this. THAT is what rally concerns me and I think is muddying the waters badly. No wonder difficult child got the wrong message - it was coming from not just his egg donor, it was also coming from the officials who are supposed to be keeping him safe. If bio-mother is not supposed to have contact with your son, then how did this happen? "It's Christmas." [*memories of chintzy Christmas movies*] So don't say that bio-mother was lying. It's a distraction from the real issue - bio-mother should not have been permitted in the same room, and that is not her fault. Someone was not doing their job. And I'm thinking it's even possible (but don't say this) that some starry-eyed romantic half-organised a reconciliation out of sheer idiocy. You need to make very clear that the courts have ordered no contact (and this should be respected) for very good reasons. Now as a result, he's back on the subject of "I want to see her" when past experience has shown this is a bad thing. Courts do not allow parental rights to be extinguished without darn good reasons. A lot of harm appears to have resulted (or could have resulted) as the result of what was either carelessness, or possibly worse, someone's romantic ideal of "let's get the child and mother together for a reunion so they can all play happy families." Bio-mother in the same room, especially at Christmas - of course she would want to give him a hug, to continue the self-image of herself as wronged and loving parent. But someone enabled this, either through carelessness or sabotage. it doesn't matter how - the result is the issue. And those charged with his welfare are the ones who should be asked to explain. Marg [/QUOTE]
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