Help Please I'm shaking!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by morningcuppa, Sep 27, 2007.

  1. morningcuppa

    morningcuppa New Member

    Please help

    I'm following my post My son ignores his brother.

    I stood up to him by refusing to drive him anywhere while he is acting like that with his brother.
    He punched a hole in the wall.
    Called his brother a f****r and screamed I hate you at him.
    I told him not to come back tonight.
    My heart is pounding and I feel sick. What next??
     
  2. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    let it rest. he has to have some consequence for damaging your heart and home. you cant let him bully his brother or you.
     
  3. morningcuppa

    morningcuppa New Member

    He said he hopes I enjoy identifying his corpse.

    All I did was refuse him lifts until he changes his attitude.
     
  4. Georgiamomma

    Georgiamomma New Member

    I am sorry you are shaking. Boy, would I be too. You did nothing wrong. Did he just say that for shock value do you think? or has he ever said anything like this or about suicide before. When mine has said something like this to me before, I told them that I loved them and would miss them but threats would not make me change my mind about consequences or limits. He is not truly suicidal though he just enjoys scaring me.

    Debbie
     
  5. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I hope that you will look up your local Al-Anon or Narc-Anon chapter. You made the fist step by telling him to leave. Imagine how much good that did for his brother to know that you put him first for once. He's the one you can help.

    Change the locks and put his stuff on the porch.
     
  6. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    by the way ant used to act like that and punch holes in walls, cupboard doors, etc. he was younger than your son so I could not kick him out at that time. all is repaired now.

    your son is 22 and should be out if he thinks he can rule the roost. it is upsetting to see all the chaos and trouble.
     
  7. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    When mine has said something like this to me before, I told them that I loved them and would miss them but threats would not make me change my mind about consequences or limits.


    me too
     
  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I got this from your other thread.

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> This is really hard for me as he can be scary. </div></div>

    If he shows up again, call the police. You should probably call the police now to report the threats of violence, suicide, and the damage to property.
     
  9. morningcuppa

    morningcuppa New Member

    He has said stuff like that before usually when he can't get his own way. I can't tell if he is suicidal. I think he will drive the rest of us to an early death though. He certainly seems to hate his brother though and I have never experienced such cold hatred before and such evil words.

    He's gone out now leaving a pile of plaster by the hole in the wall. I can't stop crying but I didn't cry in fromt of him.

    Thanks for the support
     
  10. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    take a picture of the damage before you clean it up. once you are done being sad, get mad. he will be back, tell him he is paying for it.
     
  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Be proud of yourself for not losing your composure in his presence. :warrior:

    You did what was both right and necessary.

    At his age, he's old enough to be out on his own. He is a grown up. And acting the way he does in your home, he most certainly needs to be out on his own. I'd venture to guess his threats fall under attempted manipulation to make you worry and feel guilty for tossing him out, so you'll let him come back later.

    I'd also take photos before repairs are made.

    If he comes back to cause more trouble, call the police and let them handle him.

    Other than that, let it go. It's done and over with. If he wants to change, he will. If he doesn't, it is beyond your control and out of your hands.

    Stay firm.

    Hugs
     
  12. morningcuppa

    morningcuppa New Member

    Younger son is being very supportive. He's 16.

    He keeps saying "Its not your fault mum".
    He's taken such a lot of verbal abuse tonight
     
  13. morningcuppa

    morningcuppa New Member

    I stood between them or there would have been a fight. son 16 came out to protect me when he heard the wall being smashed.
     
  14. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Other than that, let it go. It's done and over with. </div></div>

    Amen to that. Move on.
     
  15. KFld

    KFld New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: morningcuppa</div><div class="ubbcode-body">He said he hopes I enjoy identifying his corpse.

    All I did was refuse him lifts until he changes his attitude.


    </div></div>

    Remember those words you just typed. All you did was refuse him lifts until he changes his attitude. You have every right to do that. What he said about identifying his corpse is a manipulation tactic so you will start freaking out and start apologizing to him. Don't let that happen. You have done nothing wrong but stand up for yourself and demand respect for you and your family.

    I know this is hard, but don't back down now. You have drawn the line in the sand. Don't erase it and don't let him cross it unless it's on your terms.

    It will get easier once he realizes you are serious and you are no longer allowing him to treat you this way. It's like training a puppy :smile: you have to keep repeating your behavior until he gets it!!!
     
  16. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> I know this is hard, but don't back down now. You have drawn the line in the sand. Don't erase it and don't let him cross it unless it's on your terms. </div></div>

    Not to mention, if you give him a 'pass', it will make everything so much worse. You can't go back now without making your life more miserable than it was.
     
  17. morningcuppa

    morningcuppa New Member

    Thank you all. He has just sent a text to his brother saying sorry and he loves him and me. Brother has sent a very firm text back saying he loves him too but sort yourself out mate!

    I think you are right with the bit about the corpse being manipulation but It does freak me out big time. Horrible words to say aren't they? It would have been so easy to back down for a quiet life and given him the lift that he was demanding. I'm glad I didn't but we have another hole in the wall.

    I don't know how I would have got through the last hour with out you lot.

    Hugs to you all.
     
  18. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    ((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))


    Sorry to just be catching this thread.

    WAY TO GO!! Good for you for being strong. And your young son deserves kudos as well.

    A day will come when the silly things that your older son says (for shock value) will just roll off your back. Till then, take the advice and detach. Hit an alanon meeting.

    The hard part was tossing him out.

    The other hard part is not going back on your word. If you do, next time he may hit YOU.
     
  19. KFld

    KFld New Member

    The next thing you need to do is tell him to come patch the whole in the wall or he's not allowed in the house at all. And then tell him if he punches one more, he can move out and stay out, never mind not getting a ride anywhere.

    Believe me, once you start doing this, you get really good at it. I used to be the hugest softee in the world, but no more. My difficult child couldn't believe it when I stopped enabling him. It really scared him to be honest with you and he caught on pretty quick that mommy wasn't playin this game anymore.
     
  20. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Take a very deep bow! You did so well!!! I didn't take his comment about identifying his corpse as a suicide threat but rather that he might get run over if he had to walk. Poor dear.

    I agree that he should either pay for the damage or repair it (to your standards, not his). He also needs to get the message that this is not acceptable. It is a form of violence and violence will not be tolerated by you any longer.

    I'm glad he texted his brother. It shows that he knows he is being unreasonable and it may just be that he is getting the message that you are serious and will no longer tolerate his rudeness and his bullying.

    As we Yanks say, "YOU GO, GIRL!!!!"
     
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