HELP -- what should I do??

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Dollhouse, Mar 12, 2009.

  1. Dollhouse

    Dollhouse Guest

    My son just got up and hour ago-- its 8pm here on the east coast.

    He stormed over to me and said he would call the treatment center and "to get it over with" so that he could go out. I told him that he cannot go out because we discussed last night that he HAD to make the appointment and continue to go.

    He said this was BS and stormed out -- he apparently found the spare keys and left. I called him and I told him if he didn't return the car, that we would call the authorities to bring the car back. He said he didn't give an "F".

    What do I do??? Call the police?? This is crazy!
  2. tracyf551

    tracyf551 New Member

    I won't tell you what to do, but I'll tell you what I would do.
  3. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Call. He is getting way too out of control and if you do not do something now, it will only get worse.
    Last edited: Mar 12, 2009
  4. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I would definately call.
  5. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE


    CJN, you can't make threats that you won't follow through on or your word will be toast.

    If you said you were going to call the authorities if he didn't return the have to call them.

  6. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    I agree - follow through on what you say you will do. As for me, in that situation I would call as well.

    It's hard. Sending {{hugs}} your way.
  7. Dollhouse

    Dollhouse Guest

    He came back and he called the substance abuse center.
    Right now, he's upset and it seems like he is crying -- but won't talk to us. We asked for the keys and he's upset right now. I'l give him a few mins, but I will get those keys.

    Thanks for responding.
  8. Dollhouse

    Dollhouse Guest

    I got the keys...

    My husband, unfortunately got in my son's face almost causing an altercation; we are seeing a counselor on how to speak with my son as to not to attack. We are both learning these skills and my husband was raised where you didn't talk until you were spoken to and hit. In any case, I told my son the law punishments for theft. I asked him if he really wants to go there. He said "I really want to see YOU send me to jail..I can add it to the other lists of things you've done to me". Whatever.

    In any case, my son got upset and took the keys and threw them at us.
    He's angry; but we got the keys. He says he hates me, I told him I love him.

    At this point, he can hate me all he wants....I'm so numb, it doesn't even make me cry anymore.
    I'm still trying to find a lawyer I can consult with for conservatorship and I've tried finding intervention specialists in my state.

    He's made an appointment at one place, but I know its a 2-3wk waiting period just to come in for the assessment. I'll follow-up with-them tomorrow (it's a place where I can, as a parent follow-up). I also made an appointment with a place on Monday for an assessment, but I doubt I can get him to go.

    My husband is leaving for business on Sunday until Tuesday evening - it should be an interesting weekend to say the least.
    Lasted edited by : Mar 13, 2009
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Whatever you do, if you say you're going to do something......follow thru. Otherwise, your word means nothing to him. So think before you speak. I know it can be hard in the heat of the moment.

    If he gets out of control over the weekend, call the police.

    Glad he came back and gave you the keys. I hope he follows thru for you.
  10. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    It sounds as if you are at the point where you need to start wearing a fanny pack with keys, credit cards, money, other valuables with you at all times. Many of us have had to do this, to the extent of even sleeping with it on.

    Also, you might want to call the non-emergency police number today and ask them if hypothetically they would arrest a child for taking a parent's car. In Pennsylvania they don't consider it "car theft" if a child takes the parent's car without permission so they wouldn't arrest him for doing it. If that's the same in your state, it will be an empty threat for you to use in the future.

    Good luck this weekend. I don't envy you.

    Last edited: Mar 13, 2009
  11. Dollhouse

    Dollhouse Guest

    Suz --
    I'm way ahead of you. We called the non-emergency police # first. The officer said that if we call in a theft of our car; whomever is driving the car will be picked up, arrested, and thrown in jail. Bail would be posted as well. That charge is a felony with a punishement of up to 5yrs in jail , $500 fine, and loss of drivers license. I'm glad I didn't call the police back right away. I gave my son an ultimatum to have the car back and he did come back.
    If I had of jumped the gun, he would be facing a felony charge at present. If the car was missing overnight, etc -- then we would have been prepared to call. He DID call the treatment center and while he was out he talked to my sister. He wants to work, but is afraid I won't let him. If I threw him in jail, he would NEVER work again. I think the punishment would have not fit the crime if I jumped the gun. We will take it one day/fight at a time.

    Thank you for all the replies. I have to be honest in that in reading others issues on this forum, only makes me more anxious and upset. I'm truly sorry that individuals here are going thru hell (like I am), but it doesn't give me any comfort -- it actually makes me go fifteen steps backward emotionally. I may post again; I may not. Please don't take offense. Everyone has to go thru their own trial and do things there own way.
    At this juncture, I will NOT be wearing a fanny pack with my valuables, but I will keep my purse close at hand.

    This is the first time my son has done any of this and it's because I FINALLY took a step to not let him do whatever he wants. I should have sent him to a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) when in H/S, but I wasn't ready emotionally. I just wanted to get him to graduate, and he did. I take the blame for not acting sooner when he was 17 or younger and now I'm paying the price.
    It's the first time he's being held accountable for something and he's not liking it. Will it get worse, probably; however, this is the first time I made a step when we called the police to have him surrender the car keys yesterday. 3 weeks ago I would have just cried and curled up in to a ball and not done anything. Part of this is my fault for not doing this a long time ago. Now he's an 'adult' (which is riduculous -- this KID still ***** his thumb. He has such emotional issues that it's heartbreaking and I think he is struggling with identity issues as well as well as having some undiagnosed mental health issue). :sad-very: I will do whatever is in my power to help.

    In any case, thank you all and have a blessed day.
  12. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    One of the sayings around here is "take what you need and leave the rest." The best we can do is listen and offer suggestions based upon our individual experiences- some will hit home for you and some won't. Not a problem.

    We also understand when people come and go - we are here if you need us.

  13. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    CJN.. just wanted to add my support. This is not an easy road, for any of us. And you're right, we all have to figure it out in our own way. We're here if and when you need us.
  14. Dollhouse

    Dollhouse Guest

    Thank you -- I appreciate the support. Perhaps I can lend a cyber-hug or comforting words to someone else here, instead of focusing on my own pain at home.

    I hope I didn't offend anyone; I just know that everyone's experiences are different, and while it is often a help to gather other's opinions; only that person in the situation can do what is comfortable for them at that moment in time.
  15. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    No need to concern yourself that you didn't do the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) thing years ago. Who is to say for certain that would have been best anyway. Hindsight is always 20/20. The fact is you found the strength to call the police and make an inquiry. I found that when I did things like this and I did them with-o emotion, my son (and daughter) got their act together faster. Kuddos for keeping your head together under ultra stressful circumstances. I agree with Judi on the other thread...logical important. As a general side note...just arrived at my door "SEtting Boundaries with Your Adult Children." I saw the title on this board...I think Barbara recommended it.
    I like what was said here about finding how to do this on our own. We can give and receive general advice from experience here...but also have to do our own footwork and make our own decisions. It sounds like you've been through you know what in the last 24 hours, but even under the difficult circumstances are moving forward as best as possible. Support/good thoughts headed your way.
    Lasted edited by : Mar 13, 2009
  16. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I don't get the feeling that anyone is offended.

    Sometimes members just want to vent and not get advice/opinions. That's fine; just tell you you are venting.

    But if you ask... can bet we'll tell you!


  17. Dollhouse

    Dollhouse Guest

    Touche Suz, Touche!! :hammer: