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<blockquote data-quote="klmno" data-source="post: 347386" data-attributes="member: 3699"><p>I'm not leaving trash and stuff in his room- that's what I meant by doing the minimum. Food and cigs were taken out of his room a few days after his arrest, (police had searched it and taken out any cutting instruments the night he was arrested)- except for the half-eaten bag of popcorn I found in the middle of a mess under his bed yesterday. I've sorted thru his clothes, straightened his dresser and desk top, polished furniture, and washed sheets. I haven't vacuumed in there yet, but will. I put his shoes in the closet but there really wasn't a bunch of stuff strawn all over the floor. He had his closets (clothes and shelves) completely organized (remember he used to go on cleaning sprees himself.). It was when I was polishing furniture that I realized there was sticky stuff on half of it- and I spent a few mins on it, then moved on. I found poker chips he used when playing games with friends on the floor behind the night table- I picked them up- they were all sticky- he can either throw them away or clean them off- I piled them together. I'm drawing the line at the things I just listed. I don't have money or time to repair the holes, paint, etc. (I am planning to cover the remaining bad hole- but he'll have to live with the spot where I pulled the duct tape off.) The day after this last offense, I was at the court house, then on the phone with psychiatrists/tdocs with him being tdo'd by detention, and trying to deal with my own emotions and ptsd- cleaning his bedroom was the futherest thing on my mind. There has been over a year since, of course, but I really couldn't see washing sheets and polishing furniture every few weeks during that period. The stuff under his bed was stuff like empty boxes for fruit roll-ups, a shoe, a bugee cord, and other misc stuff- except for the popcorn that was shoved in the middle of it. </p><p></p><p>I see the point of having everything a clean slate and if I'd been working this whole year with income or if we'd moved, we would/could have had that. I can;'t give that- it's partly a result of his doing that I was left in this position. So, if we stay in this house and get to a point where repairs can be made, we will be starting with damage to bedroom door, the HUGE holes in my "office" walls and in the living room walls. Then we will move to his bedroom and the game room. I call that natural consequences. The way I look at it, if he ever becomes aggressuive with his spouse someday and ends up locked up for it, he still will have issues to contend with in that relationship as a result. He'll be lucky if she's willing to try again in the relationship, if he's destroyed their house, just because he did time legally should he expect that she will pick up all the pieces and be standing there with open arms like nothing ever happened wheen the courts release him? Obviously, I'm not going to the extent of trying to punish him further, but the PO and I talked eysterday and both agreed that just like the courts are requiring him to earn his way back to 100% "freedom", he has to earn his way back to trust and typical teen chances with me, too. IOW, he gets things gradually- it's not that he won't get anything- just that he won't get everything the day he's released.</p><p></p><p>Now, if I beleived all this was due to MI, it would be different. But while I used to have doubts about how much was MI and how much was not and I still feel certain that some was, a lot of it wasn't. I will tell him that I'm sorry we still have to live with this damage- but hopefully, he'll learn more from seeing it didn't all disappear while he was gone then he would otherwise.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="klmno, post: 347386, member: 3699"] I'm not leaving trash and stuff in his room- that's what I meant by doing the minimum. Food and cigs were taken out of his room a few days after his arrest, (police had searched it and taken out any cutting instruments the night he was arrested)- except for the half-eaten bag of popcorn I found in the middle of a mess under his bed yesterday. I've sorted thru his clothes, straightened his dresser and desk top, polished furniture, and washed sheets. I haven't vacuumed in there yet, but will. I put his shoes in the closet but there really wasn't a bunch of stuff strawn all over the floor. He had his closets (clothes and shelves) completely organized (remember he used to go on cleaning sprees himself.). It was when I was polishing furniture that I realized there was sticky stuff on half of it- and I spent a few mins on it, then moved on. I found poker chips he used when playing games with friends on the floor behind the night table- I picked them up- they were all sticky- he can either throw them away or clean them off- I piled them together. I'm drawing the line at the things I just listed. I don't have money or time to repair the holes, paint, etc. (I am planning to cover the remaining bad hole- but he'll have to live with the spot where I pulled the duct tape off.) The day after this last offense, I was at the court house, then on the phone with psychiatrists/tdocs with him being tdo'd by detention, and trying to deal with my own emotions and ptsd- cleaning his bedroom was the futherest thing on my mind. There has been over a year since, of course, but I really couldn't see washing sheets and polishing furniture every few weeks during that period. The stuff under his bed was stuff like empty boxes for fruit roll-ups, a shoe, a bugee cord, and other misc stuff- except for the popcorn that was shoved in the middle of it. I see the point of having everything a clean slate and if I'd been working this whole year with income or if we'd moved, we would/could have had that. I can;'t give that- it's partly a result of his doing that I was left in this position. So, if we stay in this house and get to a point where repairs can be made, we will be starting with damage to bedroom door, the HUGE holes in my "office" walls and in the living room walls. Then we will move to his bedroom and the game room. I call that natural consequences. The way I look at it, if he ever becomes aggressuive with his spouse someday and ends up locked up for it, he still will have issues to contend with in that relationship as a result. He'll be lucky if she's willing to try again in the relationship, if he's destroyed their house, just because he did time legally should he expect that she will pick up all the pieces and be standing there with open arms like nothing ever happened wheen the courts release him? Obviously, I'm not going to the extent of trying to punish him further, but the PO and I talked eysterday and both agreed that just like the courts are requiring him to earn his way back to 100% "freedom", he has to earn his way back to trust and typical teen chances with me, too. IOW, he gets things gradually- it's not that he won't get anything- just that he won't get everything the day he's released. Now, if I beleived all this was due to MI, it would be different. But while I used to have doubts about how much was MI and how much was not and I still feel certain that some was, a lot of it wasn't. I will tell him that I'm sorry we still have to live with this damage- but hopefully, he'll learn more from seeing it didn't all disappear while he was gone then he would otherwise. [/QUOTE]
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