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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 229514" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>"...he insists that W's problem is based in my parenting style and/or some sort of trauma..."</p><p></p><p>To a certain extent, he is right. As I said before, a lot of ODD-like problems are made worse when you get a bad fit between parenting style (especially parenting styles which generally are considered desirable due to the strictness, firmness and control) and some underlying disorders. However, any hint of blame is inappropriate because it will get you abosultely nowhere to bring guilt into the mix. Besides, it's not that you were wrong in any way or a bad parent, it's just that he probably needed a different method, rather than a more correct one.</p><p></p><p>The parenting style than can be so good for one kid, can be so very wrong for another.</p><p></p><p>If the bloke is REALLY trying to help, he should be pointing you towards some practical ways to change your parenting (if he truly beleives your parentingh is at fault) or better still, towards identifying the underlying cause qand equipping you with strategies to handle it.</p><p></p><p>If he isn't doing any of this, then I would aks him point blank exactly how he expects to effect any positive change.</p><p></p><p>As for your ex doing zilch in terms of parenting, and ten telling your son that it's all your fault - that's classic passive-aggressive and he's teaching W to also be passive-aggressive. Very bad.</p><p></p><p>Normally I do not agree with one parent saying anything bad about another; it only comes back to bite you years later. So handle it gently, but I'm sorry, you DO need to say to your son, "Dad shouldn't have said that to you, it was very inappropriate. He is entitled to his opinions about the causes of your behaviour, but he really isn't in a position to truly understand and he certainly hasn't done anything practical himself to actively work to help you. Allowing you free rein is not the sort of help you need. However, you are becoming a man, in some cultures you would be considered a man already. Therefore I will pay attention to your ideas on this as long as you work with me to try to find ways to help you learn self-control as a man should have. I believe in you, I believe we can do this and my ultimate goal is for you to be happy, productive, independent and a good person. If you are not happy, then we need to discuss this and find some practical solutions. We need to be a team. Are you with me on this?"</p><p></p><p>See how this works. Then do your utmost to follow through. Not easy, but if nothing else is looking like it's working well any more, this at least has a chance. It should also snooker any attempt by W's dad to undermine your parenting by his own lazy apathy.</p><p></p><p>I hope the book helps. We're here to answer any questions, or just to dump on.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 229514, member: 1991"] "...he insists that W's problem is based in my parenting style and/or some sort of trauma..." To a certain extent, he is right. As I said before, a lot of ODD-like problems are made worse when you get a bad fit between parenting style (especially parenting styles which generally are considered desirable due to the strictness, firmness and control) and some underlying disorders. However, any hint of blame is inappropriate because it will get you abosultely nowhere to bring guilt into the mix. Besides, it's not that you were wrong in any way or a bad parent, it's just that he probably needed a different method, rather than a more correct one. The parenting style than can be so good for one kid, can be so very wrong for another. If the bloke is REALLY trying to help, he should be pointing you towards some practical ways to change your parenting (if he truly beleives your parentingh is at fault) or better still, towards identifying the underlying cause qand equipping you with strategies to handle it. If he isn't doing any of this, then I would aks him point blank exactly how he expects to effect any positive change. As for your ex doing zilch in terms of parenting, and ten telling your son that it's all your fault - that's classic passive-aggressive and he's teaching W to also be passive-aggressive. Very bad. Normally I do not agree with one parent saying anything bad about another; it only comes back to bite you years later. So handle it gently, but I'm sorry, you DO need to say to your son, "Dad shouldn't have said that to you, it was very inappropriate. He is entitled to his opinions about the causes of your behaviour, but he really isn't in a position to truly understand and he certainly hasn't done anything practical himself to actively work to help you. Allowing you free rein is not the sort of help you need. However, you are becoming a man, in some cultures you would be considered a man already. Therefore I will pay attention to your ideas on this as long as you work with me to try to find ways to help you learn self-control as a man should have. I believe in you, I believe we can do this and my ultimate goal is for you to be happy, productive, independent and a good person. If you are not happy, then we need to discuss this and find some practical solutions. We need to be a team. Are you with me on this?" See how this works. Then do your utmost to follow through. Not easy, but if nothing else is looking like it's working well any more, this at least has a chance. It should also snooker any attempt by W's dad to undermine your parenting by his own lazy apathy. I hope the book helps. We're here to answer any questions, or just to dump on. Marg [/QUOTE]
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