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Holding steady. Rough seas, high winds...sailing along.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 608561" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Oh Cedar, I am so, so sorry...........no sense can be made out of behavior which is skewered due to mental illness.............in addition to the fear and grief, we can't even rationally understand the behavior, it warps our brains to try.............</p><p></p><p>Cell phones, ID's, impounded cars, money...............lost. You already paid your guilt money.............I found it hard to let go of keeping my difficult child on top of those things.................and ultimately, <em>had</em> to let go. Otherwise, you will be standing at the DMV, the impound lot, the Verizon store many, many times in the future.............</p><p></p><p>Is it by chance? Is she throwing it away on purpose? Is she determined to go homeless again? Those are rational, intelligent, reasonable inquiries...................and completely unanswerable in the world your daughter lives in. Right questions.........wrong Universe.</p><p></p><p>Here is what I've learned living on the perimeter of mental illness for a lifetime. <em>This is not about YOU.</em> This is not something you can control or fix. This does not fit into any kind of reality that you are familiar with and can understand and feel good about. Aside from manipulations for money or making you feel responsible or bad for some unknown or perhaps even made-up wrong doing, it is not about you. It is your daughter living out of a very different and not-track-able brain anomaly which she herself is unlikely able to explain or even understand.</p><p></p><p>Whatever compulsions or delusions are suffered within her as a result of her bi-polar or Borderline (BPD), that part of her has emerged larger then the rational part.</p><p></p><p>For me? What has helped is to let go of my judgments and expectations that anyone in my family behave in "normal ways." I presume they are living out their lives the way <em>they</em> choose............... and I have had to learn detachment with each and every one of them. My daughter being the most difficult and heartbreaking............. but to stay sane, I have to place them all within a container of light and love and allow it to float away.</p><p></p><p>What you consider "throwing her life away" seen out of the "normal" reality most of us live within, to your daughter, similar to my daughter, may see it as throwing the <em>wrong</em> life away to get back to the <em>real</em> life she needs to be in, on the street, with her "family." I have come to believe, for many folks with "different" wiring, living in "our world" is extremely taxing and takes a huge toll. I think it feels better to be among folks who have no "normal" expectations of you when you know you can't fulfill that. </p><p></p><p>My daughter has nothing to say to her own daughter, can walk right by her, never ask about her, never see her. But, when her cats are involved, they are her "family." She will do anything for them.This is not the reality I live in. But, this is the reality she lives in. I can get really angry and upset about that and and be "right" about it...............who wouldn't agree with me? I AM right. However, I am not living in that world, she is. In that world, this is all okay. So what difference does it make that I am right? It doesn't change anything. Right and wrong don't count here, this is the Outer Limits. Remember that show? At the beginning they said they had control of your TV, it was fuzzy and rolling..............just like the difficult child world, they control it. It's fuzzy and rolling. I have to turn the TV off, that's the only way to deal with it.</p><p></p><p>Should you continue to worry? That is a great question. What I am doing is literally everything possible to not worry, to keep my mind occupied as you are with your calming meditations, your yoga, your volunteering.................. so occupied that there is no room left for useless and time consuming worry that goes nowhere. Whatever is going to happen with our daughters is going to happen whether we worry or not, so until that day when we get that dreaded phone call..................we may as well make every attempt to live as wonderful a life as we are capable of having. That phone call may never come and then when we are 85, we will look back and say, "she's still out there doing the same thing and I have now wasted the last 20 years waiting for the other shoe to drop...........it didn't drop.................<em>there WENT my life." </em> She will have lived <u>her</u> life. But we may not have lived ours.</p><p></p><p>Our daughters have decided, in unison, to on some level check out of 'normal' reality and move through their worlds without the constraints society places on them. That is the choice they are making. From whatever reality they are living in, that is their choice. We can't change it. And, I made it clear to my difficult child that I am no longer financing this lifestyle choice.............little by little, for me, I have pulled out almost entirely now. To the degree that I've done that, my life, oddly, has improved significantly. I do not advocate this, I am just sharing my experience.<em> It's a long journey home.</em></p><p></p><p>I am not sure I know the entire story Cedar, however, once your difficult child gets out of the hospital, the kids who've been staying with her may be placed in a more safe and stable environment which sounds as if would be better if your difficult child were not directly involved with them...........and perhaps she will go stay with your neighbor, at least for now.</p><p></p><p>Remember the story about the farmer and his son, as I attempt to do myself every day.............this adventure is going to go up and down and sideways.............trying to figure it out, trying to make sense of it, trying to fit it into someplace where WE can feel okay about it is an exercise in futility......................</p><p></p><p>What I noticed first about your post Cedar is that the desperation, fear and a certain level of angst are missing. You sound more accepting. This is good. Acceptance is good. I am landing there myself more often, it beats the hell out of devastation. So, you are changing and growing as your difficult child continues with her behaviors. Remember that. <em>You</em> <em>have</em> changed.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry for this turn of events. I know you were starting to get used to the calm................it will get calm again.............don't follow your daughter into the insanity anymore........................it's a ride we just can't survive. </p><p></p><p>You and your family are in my prayers.................sending you thoughts of peace and serenity............</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 608561, member: 13542"] Oh Cedar, I am so, so sorry...........no sense can be made out of behavior which is skewered due to mental illness.............in addition to the fear and grief, we can't even rationally understand the behavior, it warps our brains to try............. Cell phones, ID's, impounded cars, money...............lost. You already paid your guilt money.............I found it hard to let go of keeping my difficult child on top of those things.................and ultimately, [I]had[/I] to let go. Otherwise, you will be standing at the DMV, the impound lot, the Verizon store many, many times in the future............. Is it by chance? Is she throwing it away on purpose? Is she determined to go homeless again? Those are rational, intelligent, reasonable inquiries...................and completely unanswerable in the world your daughter lives in. Right questions.........wrong Universe. Here is what I've learned living on the perimeter of mental illness for a lifetime. [I]This is not about YOU.[/I] This is not something you can control or fix. This does not fit into any kind of reality that you are familiar with and can understand and feel good about. Aside from manipulations for money or making you feel responsible or bad for some unknown or perhaps even made-up wrong doing, it is not about you. It is your daughter living out of a very different and not-track-able brain anomaly which she herself is unlikely able to explain or even understand. Whatever compulsions or delusions are suffered within her as a result of her bi-polar or Borderline (BPD), that part of her has emerged larger then the rational part. For me? What has helped is to let go of my judgments and expectations that anyone in my family behave in "normal ways." I presume they are living out their lives the way [I]they[/I] choose............... and I have had to learn detachment with each and every one of them. My daughter being the most difficult and heartbreaking............. but to stay sane, I have to place them all within a container of light and love and allow it to float away. What you consider "throwing her life away" seen out of the "normal" reality most of us live within, to your daughter, similar to my daughter, may see it as throwing the [I]wrong[/I] life away to get back to the [I]real[/I] life she needs to be in, on the street, with her "family." I have come to believe, for many folks with "different" wiring, living in "our world" is extremely taxing and takes a huge toll. I think it feels better to be among folks who have no "normal" expectations of you when you know you can't fulfill that. My daughter has nothing to say to her own daughter, can walk right by her, never ask about her, never see her. But, when her cats are involved, they are her "family." She will do anything for them.This is not the reality I live in. But, this is the reality she lives in. I can get really angry and upset about that and and be "right" about it...............who wouldn't agree with me? I AM right. However, I am not living in that world, she is. In that world, this is all okay. So what difference does it make that I am right? It doesn't change anything. Right and wrong don't count here, this is the Outer Limits. Remember that show? At the beginning they said they had control of your TV, it was fuzzy and rolling..............just like the difficult child world, they control it. It's fuzzy and rolling. I have to turn the TV off, that's the only way to deal with it. Should you continue to worry? That is a great question. What I am doing is literally everything possible to not worry, to keep my mind occupied as you are with your calming meditations, your yoga, your volunteering.................. so occupied that there is no room left for useless and time consuming worry that goes nowhere. Whatever is going to happen with our daughters is going to happen whether we worry or not, so until that day when we get that dreaded phone call..................we may as well make every attempt to live as wonderful a life as we are capable of having. That phone call may never come and then when we are 85, we will look back and say, "she's still out there doing the same thing and I have now wasted the last 20 years waiting for the other shoe to drop...........it didn't drop.................[I]there WENT my life." [/I] She will have lived [U]her[/U] life. But we may not have lived ours. Our daughters have decided, in unison, to on some level check out of 'normal' reality and move through their worlds without the constraints society places on them. That is the choice they are making. From whatever reality they are living in, that is their choice. We can't change it. And, I made it clear to my difficult child that I am no longer financing this lifestyle choice.............little by little, for me, I have pulled out almost entirely now. To the degree that I've done that, my life, oddly, has improved significantly. I do not advocate this, I am just sharing my experience.[I] It's a long journey home.[/I] I am not sure I know the entire story Cedar, however, once your difficult child gets out of the hospital, the kids who've been staying with her may be placed in a more safe and stable environment which sounds as if would be better if your difficult child were not directly involved with them...........and perhaps she will go stay with your neighbor, at least for now. Remember the story about the farmer and his son, as I attempt to do myself every day.............this adventure is going to go up and down and sideways.............trying to figure it out, trying to make sense of it, trying to fit it into someplace where WE can feel okay about it is an exercise in futility...................... What I noticed first about your post Cedar is that the desperation, fear and a certain level of angst are missing. You sound more accepting. This is good. Acceptance is good. I am landing there myself more often, it beats the hell out of devastation. So, you are changing and growing as your difficult child continues with her behaviors. Remember that. [I]You[/I] [I]have[/I] changed. I am sorry for this turn of events. I know you were starting to get used to the calm................it will get calm again.............don't follow your daughter into the insanity anymore........................it's a ride we just can't survive. You and your family are in my prayers.................sending you thoughts of peace and serenity............ [/QUOTE]
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