Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Liahona, Oct 8, 2011.

  1. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    I have enrolled the difficult children in the local school. The same one difficult child 1 goes to. I feel awful. It has been a dream of mine to home school my kids since I was in high school. I was home schooled off and on as a child. I have all the stuff.

    My brain isn't working enough to do it.

    I am so stressed I physically hurt. My neck and shoulders ache. I have a hard time reading. My eyes skip around the page (or post) making it hard to comprehend. My mind races; mostly about how to keep difficult child 1 safe.

    I haven't really been able to homeschool since easy child 1 told us difficult child 1 tried to hit her with the piano bench. With the added security measures I'm having to re-learn how to do housework. How do I clean and make dinner while having difficult child 1 in my sight at all times.

    Its another loss of a dream.

    My mother in law is coming to help. She is going to "help" husband find a job. While I try to get the kids in routines and get myself in a routine so the house gets clean.
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Do you have access to your own therapist?
    Sounds like secondary (sometimes called situational) mental health issues.
    You need to get help for yourself, so you can be available to help the others.

    Yes, this is draining. Beyond what most people out there in real life would ever believe.
    WE believe you.

    Don't feel bad if it takes medications - chronic stress has the power to alter brain chemistry, and sometimes the only way to find balance is to fight back with other chemicals. If you're working with a therapist, family doctor may be able to prescribe... or you might need a psychiatrist too. All of which takes time... but you have to start somewhere, if you're going to get somewhere...

  3. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I understand about the loss of a dream. Many hugs.
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I know that right now you are in a real state of PTSD, depression and also have a lot of fight or flight going on with your body with the abuse from ex, etc.... With so many small children, esp a 3 mo old, post partum depression is likely a big part of everything.

    You have NOT NOT NOT lost the right to ever homeschool your children. Frankly, your kids will be in school for a LOT of years to come. So you have PLENTY of time to homeschool them. The school situation isn't ideal, and that is hard. But they will cope. I hope your mother in law is supportive because you need help and NOT another person to care for, in my opinion.

    It is no wonder that you feel overwhelmed and like you are losing your dream. I promise that you are not. husband and I evaluate our kids' school placement at least each semester. Wiz was homeschooled for 2 years, Jess for 5 very different years. thank you hasn't been, though he sure was around when the others were homeschooling either because he was so little or was home on weekends, summer, etc......

    The first year I homeschooled Wiz I really thought I was a flop and the other moms would tell me so in no uncertain terms. Esp with all the behavior problems and violence that Wiz had. I was SHOCKED. I got a LOT of support for having pulled Wiz out and for sepnding at least 2/3 of each week at the Children's hospital for therapy and doctor appts for Wiz. They thought it was great that we were putting academics on the back burner and working on turning him into a person that could cope with the world with-o being violent.

    I NEVER expected that. I sure didn't get it from my own parents!

    I also didn't expect them to support me having Jess in kindergarten at the same time. She went to school and he was homeschooled - it gave her time with other kids and gave him more time where I could focus solely on him or mostly on him.

    Just because homeschooling is the right answer NOW does NOT mean it won't be the right answer in 6 mos or a year or three years. Homeschooling is NOT all or nothing. You can do it some years and not others, or for some kids and not the others - as long as it is what is right for YOUR family.

    PLEASE be gentle with yourself. Your body is barely over giving birth, you are also dealing with about the most horrific thing a parent can face - knowing one of your chldren must go to a situation where he won't be safe over and over.

    If you give yourself time to heal physically, emotionally and every other way until you feel more able to cope, then you will be able to tackle homeschooling at that time. I promise.

    You also might want to read up on unschooling. I know it sounds "hippy dippy" and all that, but honestly? I know several kids who were raised that way, with very minimal tv or screen anything, and the oldest went to an Ivy league school on full academic scholarship, the middle went to a private college that was very specialized on early admission on scholarship and the others all got the scholarships or into the colleges or trade or arts schools they wanted into. They were not all from the same family, just members of the homeschooling co-op we were part of.

    I am very sorry that your dream is out of your grasp right now, and that you feel so bad.
  5. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with Susie. Just because you can't do it now, doesn't mean it won't be in your grasp come the future. You absolutely need to focus on yourself right now.

  6. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I whole heartedly agree with suzie. Just wanted to offer my support and remind you to be kind to yourself.
  7. I find myself quoting susiestar quite often. I have to second what she says, yet again. I homeschooled on and off various kids, according to what they needed, then sent everyone back to school when I got fibromyalgia and some adrenal exhaustion that was affecting my heart.

    What I found was that:
    my oldest HATED homeschooling. Hated everything about it and is excelling in her "snooty" prep school and will probably go to ivy league college. She needs to be in her rigorous, competitive school.

    My middle girl asked to come back home when I started feeling better, and she is settled back in to homeschooling and doesn't every want to go to a school again until she starts college classes (next year as a junior in HS). She needs the time with me because she is sandwiched between two difficult child kids. Being home is good for her.

    My youngest -- my difficult child son -- well, I found out that I am not really equipped to homeschool him and the social layout that school creates for him is beneficial for him and he is doing well. He would never have social situations on his own without school, so it works.

    I never have been good at Special Education. I am also not great at teaching little kids. I also really need a break from youngest difficult child. He is really tiring. The whole family does better when he is in school, because we all know he is happy, they can handle his issues, and he fits in there. We can relax. Although I am sorry he is exposed to a lot of stuff we don't do in our home, damage control from this stuff is easier when we are well-rested. Then there is that guilt we get when we are too tired of him to be sweet all the time. We can be sweet when we have a break.

    This is a fluid thing. As a family, your needs and abilities will always change. Go with the flow.
    You know when you are on an airplane, and you lose oxygen and they tell you to put the oxygen on yourself before you put it on your kids, because you will be useless to them if you are passed out? Think of that right now. I believe that biochemically, for hypothalmic- pituitary adrenal axis reasons, there should be as little stress on you as possible the first six months post-partum.

    Good for you for taking care of yourself. When your kids and you are ready, they will benefit from your homeschooling when you can do it with clarity and joy.
  8. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Liahona, I 2nd, 3rd, 4th,..... everything that has been said so far. Do what you have to do for you so you CAN do what you want to do for them. Think of the public school thing as temporary. It is only for now. The "loss of a dream" is an inaccurate statement. It is a "postponement". A "loss" is forever, this isn't forever. If you had to have a surgery that had a LONG recovery time, would you be this hard on yourself? That is pretty much what you are doing now only it isn't physical healing, it's emotional healing. Both deserve the same consideration. Be GENTLE with yourself.

    Sending comforting, supportive, encouraging, gentle {{{{(((HUGS)))}}}}:hugs::Grouphug:
  9. buddy

    buddy New Member

    This is interesting to me. I have (had?) a friend whose difficult child behaviorially is like mine (rages, aggression) but is high IQ. Mom is not really good at negotiations and puts people off. I had a huge soft spot for both and even did PCA work for her at the end of last school year (spent more in gas than I made). this girl has had to be in "homeschool" by force because school kept filing educational neglect on the mom because of issues getting super anxious kid to school. Lots of issues at school mom was scared of like one EA filed criminal charges against difficult child for biting her (ea did not follow behavior plan in my opinion)....anyway POINT IS.....with all this in and out of school, her mom always has explained things to her, they go on mini trips, they go to library all the time, lots of talking and difficult child has an ipad thru her family grant from county. School sp. ed. testing said this 7th grader was at a 4th/5th grade level at best. Once switched to homeschool officially this last time she had to do the district testing. The woman who did it used appropriate accomodations and she tested between 8th and 12th grade on each area.
    You can't stop a kid who loves to learn from learning. Schools can be great but they dont match all learning styles, and I think this kid was accidently "unschooled" and it worked for her. so much for educational neglect, haha!

    I love the STAR's post, you may have a delay in your dream but now is just not the time. It is ok to do what you feel is best for the whole famiiy structure for now. Amazing what you are doing! Talk to yourself as if you were giving one of us advice on this board.

    Hang in there....
  10. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Thank you so much. I am very glad to you guys for support, comfort, and showing me the flaws in my logic.
  11. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member