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Honeymoon's Over I Guess
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 385169" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Smallworld, those are good suggestions. It gives the child the feeling they have choice, even in such a non-choice situation as "homework must be done".</p><p></p><p>TeDo, your difficult child sounds like he's very aware he did the wrong thing. So in this situation, I don't think punishment would teach him anything more. However, he is feeling guilty and seems to feel a need for some sort of penance. So how about this? How about you discuss with him what HE feels his punishment should be?</p><p></p><p>It does sound like you were right - he thought you had grounded him without notice or prior warning. Then he lost it, and now realises he shouldn't have lost it. He also sounds like he has auditory processing issues/attention issues, big time (because he misunderstood so badly). </p><p></p><p>Undoubtedly when you ask him what sort of punishment he should have, he will be far harsher on himself than you would have been. You then have a number of options - </p><p></p><p>1) give him a punishment anyway, what he asks for. I don't like this option.</p><p></p><p>2) Give him a lesser punishment, perhaps to nail home the "don't jump to conclusions and don't throw tantrums" lesson. ONly I think that lesson is already as learned as it possibly could be.</p><p></p><p>3) Tell him that because he has clearly learned that his behaviour was not acceptable, and because the initial problem of not doing his homework is being resolved, then he has been able to escape punishment this time. His honesty about his feelings and his behaviour is being rewarded with forgiveness. Maybe a compromise consequence could be his compliance with a better homework schedule, or some other signal between you to get him to comply with doing his homework in future, without raging.</p><p></p><p>The lesson here for him, is don't jump to conclusions, and try to avoid using raging as a coping strategy.</p><p></p><p>Discipline is purely to serve a teaching purpose. If the lesson has already been learned, or if no more lesson can be learned, then further punishment is needless. But there can still be other benefits in his contrition which you can make use of, especially if his current willingness to negotiate can be harnessed. Your magnanimity can also provide an added incentive for some degree of future compliance.</p><p></p><p>It of course won't all be perfect or solved. But baby steps - every little bit of progress is good.</p><p></p><p>Are you SURE he's not just a little bit Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)? The innate honesty and truth/consequences balance is a wonderful asset in raising a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) child. If he has this, use it to your advantage (and his). Praise him for it, show him how valuable it is. And look for the other good qualities that go with it - loyalty and caring are in there too, even as he swears at you and rages. It is what makes these kids so rewarding as they get older and more mature.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 385169, member: 1991"] Smallworld, those are good suggestions. It gives the child the feeling they have choice, even in such a non-choice situation as "homework must be done". TeDo, your difficult child sounds like he's very aware he did the wrong thing. So in this situation, I don't think punishment would teach him anything more. However, he is feeling guilty and seems to feel a need for some sort of penance. So how about this? How about you discuss with him what HE feels his punishment should be? It does sound like you were right - he thought you had grounded him without notice or prior warning. Then he lost it, and now realises he shouldn't have lost it. He also sounds like he has auditory processing issues/attention issues, big time (because he misunderstood so badly). Undoubtedly when you ask him what sort of punishment he should have, he will be far harsher on himself than you would have been. You then have a number of options - 1) give him a punishment anyway, what he asks for. I don't like this option. 2) Give him a lesser punishment, perhaps to nail home the "don't jump to conclusions and don't throw tantrums" lesson. ONly I think that lesson is already as learned as it possibly could be. 3) Tell him that because he has clearly learned that his behaviour was not acceptable, and because the initial problem of not doing his homework is being resolved, then he has been able to escape punishment this time. His honesty about his feelings and his behaviour is being rewarded with forgiveness. Maybe a compromise consequence could be his compliance with a better homework schedule, or some other signal between you to get him to comply with doing his homework in future, without raging. The lesson here for him, is don't jump to conclusions, and try to avoid using raging as a coping strategy. Discipline is purely to serve a teaching purpose. If the lesson has already been learned, or if no more lesson can be learned, then further punishment is needless. But there can still be other benefits in his contrition which you can make use of, especially if his current willingness to negotiate can be harnessed. Your magnanimity can also provide an added incentive for some degree of future compliance. It of course won't all be perfect or solved. But baby steps - every little bit of progress is good. Are you SURE he's not just a little bit Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)? The innate honesty and truth/consequences balance is a wonderful asset in raising a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) child. If he has this, use it to your advantage (and his). Praise him for it, show him how valuable it is. And look for the other good qualities that go with it - loyalty and caring are in there too, even as he swears at you and rages. It is what makes these kids so rewarding as they get older and more mature. Marg [/QUOTE]
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