Valentine - I am so very very sorry you are hurting right now. I send you many gentle hugs.
Just my opinion, but I think when a family starts to seriously consider an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) placement, things have probably really gotten pretty horrible at home. I know that it took 2 years for me to finally come around and even think about it after it was first recommended by psychiatrist and therapist. In the meantime, we dealt with revolving door hospitalizations, ridiculous violence, a horrible situation at school where he was assaulting staff, to say nothing of the trauma his sibs went thru... As much as I hated having him placed, I had far exceeded my capacity to deal with- his behaviors by the time he left.
You recently posted that his home visits were canceled because he's not working the program. I have no doubt he's missing home, but at the same time he *must* be held accountable to work the program. He's been there 5 months now, long enough to know what's expected. It's not enough for him to say he's "cured". He has to show it by being compliant and following rules and working the program. To quote Cuba Gooding - Show me the money.
You have not give up on him by placing him, hon. He exhibited some very scary behaviors and thoughts before he left. You have placed him somewhere where he can get the help he needs. The problem is, there's a big "if" in there. He has got to buy into the program and work it. in my humble opinion, you absolutely cannot waiver in your expectation of him doing what he's supposed to do at Residential Treatment Center (RTC).
My kid used to bargain with- me. "I'm okay, Mom, I can control myself, I won't do X, Y, Z ever again". The begging and pleading to come home, and oh how I missed him terribly. There were days when I was ready to get in the car and bring him home for good. But what we want isn't necessarily what's best for our kids. Loving my difficult child was never enough to make his behaviors safe here at home.
I did pull him out of Residential Treatment Center (RTC) #2, not because of his progress but because there were huge red flags in terms of safety there, as well as issues with his schooling. That Residential Treatment Center (RTC) was shut down a couple months later. But... I will never ever forget this... my beloved son, age 13, looked me square in the eye and said "I knew I didn't have to work the program - I knew you'd bring me home eventually. I just had to wait you out." Six weeks later he was back in the hospital again and I discovered a hunting knife he'd hidden under his mattress. He'd told the hospital staff he had a "plan" and weapons. He was placed in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) #3 shortly after that, and I cried probably harder in their parking lot than I did the first time. It's never easy. It's absolutely never what we want for our family.
Stay strong. Remember that the ultimate goal here is to have a kid who will be a functioning adult. He must learn new ways to deal with frustration and anger and disappointment.
You did not fail him. You are not a "bad parent" simply because he's in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) right now. You are doing your very best to ensure that he will have the best opportunity to have a good life. You need to remember that the responsibility is on *his* shoulders now. He has to prove he's ready to come home by working the program.
Again, many hugs to you.