How bad can it get??

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by debi, May 5, 2009.

  1. debi

    debi New Member

    I have not posted in quite awhile. I hate to post because it seems like my son is so much worse than others and I feel so helpless.

    difficult child was charged with assault and battery on me, destruction of property for scratching another kids car, and graffiti. Kicked out of school and sent to alternative school. Violated home detention and went to juvenile detention for 6 weeks. Given 40 hours community service, law class, mandatory counseling, and 1 year probation.

    In the last 2 weeks things have gotten so much worse. He refused to attend the second class of the mandatory law program because he was too lazy to do the letters of apology and research paper. It was too hard as he said. He did attend his community service on Saturday.

    Starting to be verbally abusive again, suspended indefinitely for telling a teacher that he would **ck her up if she touched him again, not following curfew, coming home high, refusing to clean up after himself, sleeps all day and stays out all night, and today I came home to find that he had taken 6 checks from my check book and forged them to try and get cash.

    He acted like he could care less and began to verbally abuse me, called husband and difficult child unplugged the phone twice. Called me names he has never used before (and he has used ALOT of them), and made me scared to be around him. He walked out the door, I looked the door. He began to beat on the doors, I called 911.

    Officers came out and said they could not do anything unless we charged him with larceny and forgery. So, as hard as it was we did. He now has 6 charges of larceny and forgery against him. Of course he left the house and has not been back or called. I don't expect him home tonight. He says he is leaving since I called the cops again and he will have to go back to juvie.

    I get results from our neuro psychiatric evaluation tomorrow and have an appointment with the PO on Thursday. I am just at a loss on how to help my son. I am preganant with my 4th child and it is so very hard to try and stay emotionally healthy right now.

    Boarding schools are not an option, wilderness camps are not an option for us since husband will not support that choice financially and I am a stay at home mom. Father is a complete jerk and horrible parent. Feels that he has no responsibilities for his sons behavior. He has no phone, no internet, no rides from us, and no money at all from us. I feel that the only choice we have is to wait out the 20 months until age 18 and we can remove him from our home. I am just afraid of the damage that will be done to the rest of the family during that time. My true hope is that he gets locked up again and the time in jail will change his heart and he will learn that life is much more precious than he knows right now.

    Thanks for letting me vent. My heart is so heavy right now and I just don't know what else to do other than cry.
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so very sorry things are this bad. PLEASE keep posting here. I know you think that we have not faced things this bad, but MANY of us have. Not all, but we do ALL understand how scared you are, both of and for your son.

    With a child on the way, and 2 other children so very young, is it at all possible to have difficult child sent to live with his father? It really seems unsafe for them (and you) to have him in the house.

    I hope that he is picked up so that you know he is not out on the street, and that he can have his eyes opened while in detention. But it may just be the best for the entire family as a group for him to stay in detention until much closer to his 18 birthday. It is hard to write that, but I think it is time to make sure you are doing what is in the best interests of the other children, not just what is best for him.

    I hope the neuropsychologist has some hopeful results, but it sounds as if your son is using drugs. If he is, then NOTHING will work until he decides to be clean.

    PLEASE keep posting. You need the support. You may also want to attend NarcAnon or AlAnon. They can be very helpful also.

    Sending many gentle hugs,

  3. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    The drugs are very likely compounding his illness and making the whole situation completely unmanageable. I doubt you'll be able to make much progress with him as long as he is using and not taking his medications.

    That said, you do need to look after yourself and your younger ones. They need you more right now. As hard as it is to detach and let go of your difficult child, it may be the healthiest thing for you and the rest of your family.

    I'm sorry things are so hard right now. I'm sure others with more experience in this will chime in...
  4. I would recommend provoking him. When he calls, tell him that he can live at two places for the next 6 months.

    1) Father
    2) Camp Pendleton

    You have to look out for the younger siblings. The father may protest all he wants but tell the judge that you need help and that you are willing to drop all charges made by you if he agrees to either of those two options. If the father continues mess up, ask the judge to order him to partipate in the trial.

    You can also tell him that you will allow him home again if he completes the six months in the NGYCP residential phase. I guess that husband with his background will be able to give him supportive phonecalls during the first 14 days, which are hell!

    As I see it you have nothing to loose. The program is free and your other children will be safe.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If he's doing drugs, like my daughter was, there's really not much hope until he decides to stop. I'd go for an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and try to get father to pay. And I'd let son know that, under no uncertain terms, if this drug abuse, which is likely the cause of all this, does not stop, he is gone at age eighteen.

    I also highly recommend joining Narc-Anon for real time support and help. Sending my good vibes and hugs and prayers--been there and know how it is. They don't really turn around until the drug use stops. And we are pretty much powerless to make them stop, but we don't have to let them destroy themselves in our home and with our help.
  6. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    You have been given some good advice.

    You have a responsibility to keep yourself and your other children safe. difficult child needs to be out of the house. No one feels you did anything wrong - you are doing what you can to make your son responsible for HIS choices.

    Please keep posting and keeping us up to date on the sitation.

  7. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Next time the police are out tell them you want hm Baker Acted. This will get him 5 days (I think) in a psychiatric hospital for an evaluation. Hopefully the recommendation will be a residential treatment facility (Residential Treatment Facility (RTF)).
    Also, you could ask for a CHINS petition.
    OR you could call CPS and turn over custody - they will get him the help he needs. I do not believe they would put such a troubled boy into foster care, unless it is a therapuetic one. Again, hopefully they would be able to get him into a Residential Treatment Facility (RTF) (or Residential Treatment Center (RTC) - c=center) he REALLY needs it.

  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hi Debi,
    Welcome back.
    I feel for you. Especially now that you're pregnant. Sigh.

    I agree with-other people here and don't have much to add, except that you really need support at home from your spouse.
    Your son isn't violent toward the other kids, is he?

    Also, you mention the things that have been taken away, but what about any encouragement? Something small, like when he shuts a door nicely instead of slamming it.
    When I started doing that, my son exploded, and things got worse. He finally told me he thought I was being sarcastic and didn't know I really meant it. That led to a nice talk and huge changes. It's amazing the behaviors we have to cope with-our kids. Not always healthy responses.
    Your son, although 17, is probably more on the emotional level of a 12-yr-old. Keep that in mind as you go through this process.

    Congrats on getting a neuropsychologist evaluation. Hey, you got him to go in for the appointment. That's a huge thing!

  9. Star*

    Star* call 911

    OKAY - NEWBIE -DO NOT EVER ASK.....the dread question -


    Right now? It's bad. It's very bad. The police are sitting back and going - "well you're the parents." and difficult child's dad is sitting back and going "Well you ARE a STAY AT HOME Mom." (like whatever) ugh. And from what i read in your post - you are trying to make this kid be responsible for his actions but are pregnant and standing basically alone. TOugh spot to be in.

    I have been where you are now so I'll be blunt. HE NEEDS TO GO. Period. And when he goes? He needs to STAY out of the house. He's already acting like he's grown - so let him go be that way under someone elses roof. Seriously.

    Call your local family court clerk of courts and ask her/him what is involved with filing a petition of incorrigibility in your county. You should be able to provide school reports, police reports, and don't just ramble and use the clerk to vent - have proof. This will get your family in front of a judge who can sentence him to Residential Treatment Center (RTC), bootcamp, rehab. IT's not as easy as it sounds, but it's a goal towards getting him some help.

    I think it's nothing short of amazing that the police when called for assault are wishy about the situation - yet let YOU put a 17 year old out of the house and they'll threaten to jail you if you don't take the abusive child back in. Our courts and laws are really outdated. AND your local police dept. probably does NOT have the specialized training for mentally ill people and how to deescalate the situation. You can call the sheriff or police chief and ask to speak with him directly regarding what did or didn't happen when you called his officers to your house. Let him know you need help - maybe the police will "keep an eye" on him. Know what I mean??

    At this point? I'd be sure to check all the windows/locks/doors and even get the locks changed. Make sure when you are gone - he's not sneaking in to do some vindictive thefting for survival. Also right NOW - sit down with your husband and tell him openly what you need him to do to help. He took you ? He got your son too. Package deal. (I'm guessing your now husband isn't difficult child's biodad?) sorry if got that wrong. But you said somehwere that the dad is not involved. If it's your husand now? WOW - you need to get yourself in counseling. It also wouldn't hurt for the whole family to be in it....because yes, there is fall out from difficult child to other kids.

    I think my thoughts as my difficult child son gets older went from - What can I do to help him - to What can I do for myself that shows him - I'm at my limit and set an example of tolerance.

    If you think you 'may' take your son back? I would sit with my husband and get a plan/rules/consequences together and then when that was nailed out - hack out a plan B. Keep both for viewing for difficult child if you let him return.
  10. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Debi, I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this.
    Star, Susie, MWM and the others have given you excellent advice.

    I agree with all of it. Your job right now is to protect your 2 younger children and the one on the way. Your difficult child must not be in your home, because none of you are safe while he is there.

    If he's already making threats and being verbally abusive, now is the time to get him out, before he continues down the road he's already on.

    A CHINS or PINS, Baker Act, petition of incorrigibility, I'm not sure what the best course of action is where you live, but you've got to do something.

    Sending many gentle hugs.
  11. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm in Virginia, too. This state seems to work a little differently than most. My son wasn't on illegal drugs, but he sure has done more illegal and odd things than most kids his age. He is currently in state Department of Juvenile Justice. I tried to get him into a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) instead of him being committed but that didn't work. I did uncover some info about the way our state works and stuff our local Department of Juvenile Justice's have available and things they cannot do, if you are interested in me passing some of this info along, let me know and I'll pm you. If you are comfortable with this, pm me your city/county jurisdiction- I know of someone else on the board who lives in virginia and has gone thru some of this, too.
  12. chatt3

    chatt3 New Member

    I'm new here but have so much empathy for you. Please read this as I think I have input that could benefit you and your son.

    My daughter, 17, is similiar to your son. She was doing drugs, staying out past curfew, getting into fights, being just a bad girl.
    She was diagnosis'd many years ago with- depression. Over the past 3 years she's been in and out of the psyche ward for attempted suicide and/or suicide ideation. The dr's. set her on a course of treatment that included drugs (of course) and therapy. We found a great therapist but, after 4 hospital stays clearly something wasn't working.
    In Dec. last year she was arrested for beating up her boyfriend, went to jail and ended up yet again the psyche ward. Upon releasing her they referred me to a homeless shelter because I didn't have the right kind of insurance for long term treatment. On top of that they basically said we can't help you anymore, don't bring her back. I was stunned that these dr's. who were supposed to help her would treat us this way.
    I finally took matters into my own hands and researched alternative therapies. I looked at everything I could find and finally settled on this great dr. that is a chiropractor but also does the chinese herbal stuff. I took my kiddo in originally for PMS but found that every system in a persons body is all inter-connected together to work together and if even one of them is out of whack, the whole thing can mess up. We've worked with her addrenal system, pituatary glands, endocrine system, nervous system and are finally getting them back to working the way they should.
    It's a hormonal imbalance!! It wasn't depression, it was hormones the whole time. Girls and boys can have it....too much testorone (sounds like what your boy may have...i.e. aggressive, acting out, etc.), too much estrogen can totally get a kid out of whack.
    So....she's on a treatment plan that is totally natural. All vitamins, minerals and supplements to put everything back in working order.
    I am happy to say that after 4 months of treat, I finally have my kid back. I have my girl that is happy now, no more suicide ideation, no more doing drugs and it appears that she's done with it all. Instead of hearing 'when I get off probation, I'm still going to smoke weed', I get 'I really don't think I'm going to even smoke weed anymore. it's just a waste of money and time'.
    It didn't happen over nite....but every week since she started I noticed some new change in her. It just let her breath easier, she doesn't feel so 'out of touch' now and has no need to turn to self medicating in order to feel better.
    I hope you'll investigate for your boy. Google things like 'overabundance of testorone in boys' and see if some of that doesn't fit what you've talking about.
    I hope you keep us informed and I hope this helps. I didn't have the money for long term treatment or boot camp. i personally don't think those would have helped us anyways. But this was a real treatment plan I could wrap my brain around and understand.