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How do U help a difficult child with- fixations?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 250271" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>What I meant about being careful not to remove obsessions willy-nilly - they are like a safty valve, often. The more stressed and anxious, the more the child tends to follow certain rituals. If they are causing more trouble, then clerly you need to try to steer him in a more acceptable direction, but if they're not causing you or him any problem then let him do what he feels he needs to do. It's like when kids stimulant - if his stimming is socially unacceptable, then you need to intervene. Some parents for example try to stop their kids flapping their hands to stimulant, and often the child who is more socially aware will modify his own stims and obsessions to something more acceptable. For example, easy child 2/difficult child 2 was obsessed with the texture of fur, fur fabric and velvet. At home she would carry her teddy everywhere, buth this wasn't acceptable in high school so she made a fur fabric cover for her school folder out of cow-print pattern. It looked cool and because her folder as so big, she carried it everywhere and so was discreetly getting her cuddle of fur while people just didn't realise. All they saw was a studious girl with her school folder.</p><p></p><p>I think the best bet for your son, once he gets over how he was treated, is to go pick out the book he wanted from the local library or Borders (you had a good idea there). I understand that for him, the magic of that moment has been lost (he was happy when he found the book, wanted to share his happiness with his friend, friend just wrecked everything, only THAT book has a chance of recapturing that sense of happiness in that moment in your son's mind).</p><p></p><p>I remember when I was about your son's age, I found a tennis ball. I didn't have much, I was happy to have a tennis ball of my own but a ball is not as much fun on your own.</p><p>A boy at school grabbed the ball from me and threw it up on the classroom roof. I was upset andcried, the boy was sorry and offered to get me another ball. But I didn't want another ball; I wanted THAT ball. He didn't uderstand, there had been something about having found THAT ball that had spoken to me, it had been alone and without anyonoe and we had found each other. No way could I explain that to anyone (yes, I do consider the possibility that there are some Aspie components in me!).</p><p></p><p>There really was no way around it, I just had to get over it and learn to live with it. But it hurts. What also hurts is the memory of how I behaved at the time. I perhaps could have done better if someone could have REALLY talked to me, encouraged me to talk about why I was so upset, maybe helped me try to identify what it was that had upset me. Then maybe Icould have moced on sooner.</p><p></p><p>The thing is, so often adults tend to be dismissive of such things, the child has to get over it and the sooner they pull themselves together, the better. But if you have a child prone to anxiety and obsessionality, don't make the assumption that whatever is upsetting him is only a little thing. You just don't know.</p><p></p><p>Once achild feels "heard" it does tend to reduce their anxiety in future as well; they feel more secure in knowing they've been listne3d to before, they'll be listened to agian. it can get VERY wearing, the things that bother them seem so silly, but it can make such a big difference to a child to feel more secure. It then flows on to their own self-esteem because if someone values them enough to listen to their feelings, then those feelings are worth acknowledging.</p><p></p><p>Good luck with this.He really does sound VERY Aspie, with anxiety problems at the moment. Maybe you could role-play this with him. Make it clear he did nothing wrong, just maybe unwise considering that his friend seems to be impulsive and also socially inept. We learn from our experiences, and it's not necessarily a matter of being right or wrong, just happier in the future.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 250271, member: 1991"] What I meant about being careful not to remove obsessions willy-nilly - they are like a safty valve, often. The more stressed and anxious, the more the child tends to follow certain rituals. If they are causing more trouble, then clerly you need to try to steer him in a more acceptable direction, but if they're not causing you or him any problem then let him do what he feels he needs to do. It's like when kids stimulant - if his stimming is socially unacceptable, then you need to intervene. Some parents for example try to stop their kids flapping their hands to stimulant, and often the child who is more socially aware will modify his own stims and obsessions to something more acceptable. For example, easy child 2/difficult child 2 was obsessed with the texture of fur, fur fabric and velvet. At home she would carry her teddy everywhere, buth this wasn't acceptable in high school so she made a fur fabric cover for her school folder out of cow-print pattern. It looked cool and because her folder as so big, she carried it everywhere and so was discreetly getting her cuddle of fur while people just didn't realise. All they saw was a studious girl with her school folder. I think the best bet for your son, once he gets over how he was treated, is to go pick out the book he wanted from the local library or Borders (you had a good idea there). I understand that for him, the magic of that moment has been lost (he was happy when he found the book, wanted to share his happiness with his friend, friend just wrecked everything, only THAT book has a chance of recapturing that sense of happiness in that moment in your son's mind). I remember when I was about your son's age, I found a tennis ball. I didn't have much, I was happy to have a tennis ball of my own but a ball is not as much fun on your own. A boy at school grabbed the ball from me and threw it up on the classroom roof. I was upset andcried, the boy was sorry and offered to get me another ball. But I didn't want another ball; I wanted THAT ball. He didn't uderstand, there had been something about having found THAT ball that had spoken to me, it had been alone and without anyonoe and we had found each other. No way could I explain that to anyone (yes, I do consider the possibility that there are some Aspie components in me!). There really was no way around it, I just had to get over it and learn to live with it. But it hurts. What also hurts is the memory of how I behaved at the time. I perhaps could have done better if someone could have REALLY talked to me, encouraged me to talk about why I was so upset, maybe helped me try to identify what it was that had upset me. Then maybe Icould have moced on sooner. The thing is, so often adults tend to be dismissive of such things, the child has to get over it and the sooner they pull themselves together, the better. But if you have a child prone to anxiety and obsessionality, don't make the assumption that whatever is upsetting him is only a little thing. You just don't know. Once achild feels "heard" it does tend to reduce their anxiety in future as well; they feel more secure in knowing they've been listne3d to before, they'll be listened to agian. it can get VERY wearing, the things that bother them seem so silly, but it can make such a big difference to a child to feel more secure. It then flows on to their own self-esteem because if someone values them enough to listen to their feelings, then those feelings are worth acknowledging. Good luck with this.He really does sound VERY Aspie, with anxiety problems at the moment. Maybe you could role-play this with him. Make it clear he did nothing wrong, just maybe unwise considering that his friend seems to be impulsive and also socially inept. We learn from our experiences, and it's not necessarily a matter of being right or wrong, just happier in the future. Marg [/QUOTE]
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