How do you avoid questions about Difficult Child?

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by ColleenB, Aug 6, 2016.

  1. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    So we are headed out to meet up with friends, a few I only see occasionally because they live out of town. The last time I saw this couple was NYE and I was a mess. I do not want to be that way tonight.

    How do you all avoid the inevitable kid questions????

    I just checked his email again tonight, and sure enough, there are more e transfers... Which is a pretty good sign he is dealing. No pretending it was a blip.

    Ugh...
     
  2. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I guess it depends on how good a friends they are, and how much they know about past behaviors...

    I just do a nonchalant..."she sure is keeping busy...we haven't had have time to see her!" Or, we have been so busy, that we haven't seen her recently. Good thing there is FB/internet so we can keep in touch"

    Or if it is a good friend... "Things aren't that great right now...so glad you are here, and we can put it behind us and not think about it for a while. So what have you been up too?"

    KSM
     
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  3. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Colleen,

    Prayers....Sometimes just being vague and positivity works.

    I hate it too..Sometimes I feel like people just stare...I would rather them ask. I had a neighbor instead of compassionately asking, spread a rumor we had institutionalized him!

    Most people do care....drives me nuts not knowing my son is, but trust he's ok.

    Hugs, and have some laughs!
     
  4. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    To be honest I think most people don't want to know if you or your child is having a hard time.... Maybe I'm just sensitive but I feel when I'm honest about how hard it is, people distance themselves... Like it's contagious or something... Not everyone. But I'm trying to be positive and I think that is what people prefer. Who wants to hear sad stuff?

    I will try to keep it light... They are good friends, but also ones u don't see often... But I'm not in a place to really get into it ... I think I'm too raw.

    They all have sons similar ages... All doing well. Graduating university, getting married even... Buying houses! My son can't even find an honest job, let alone do school and contribute to society... Ugh
     
  5. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Colleen,

    We could be friends....hugs:notalone:
     
  6. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I tell them that he is "traveling, seeing the world, living from day to day, finding himself," etc. It was cool when Jack did it in "Titanic", right? They don't have to know the whole homeless, alcoholic, and panhandling side of it.

    I think people are never as "together" as we see them in our minds anyway.

    We have friends who brag about EVERYTHING. Once they were bragging about their tenant. He pays his rent on time EVERY MONTH... he is SO QUIET...he keeps the place SPOTLESS, etc. I don't know why they brag this way, but it gets tiresome. One day Hubs couldn't take it and kind of snapped and said, "Yeah, but why does he keep kitten bones under the kitchen sink and drive a white panel van?":highly_amused:

    Crickets.

    I still say that to myself when "normal" people are bragging up on their kids.

    I really do hope people with more "normal" lives don't have to try to accommodate the things we have to deal with...but I try to remember that their lives are not ideal either, even though it may seem that way when they talk about it.
     
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  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I think the important thing is to decide on your response ahead of time no matter what it is
     
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  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    TL is right

    I keep it short. First I give quick synopses of my sweet kids then I say its too bad, but Difficult Child lives far away, but is very busy. I really dont say more than that. In general, I think I have three fantastic kids, both thriving and as people, but I am sensitive about MYSELF not bragging ..who knows what others are truly going through? I dont feel right telling many people that my oldest can be so rudr and unfeeling and usually is. Thats not their business. Nobody needs to know.

    Thats just how I handle it. All of us have differing comfort zones.
     
  9. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Albatross...

    I just spit out my water...that was funny!

    Everyone's normal is a different level of crazy!
     
  10. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    I survived.... And guess what... No one talked about kids. My very close friend who was hosting ( the other two couples are her husbands sisters, who I went to university with) may have told them not to ask. I don't know. But it doesn't matter really... The truth is I survived the night, and even had fun.

    To those of you who are American we had a great convo about your election, and as Canadians, it all seems very Hollywood to us. So thanks for giving lots of stuff for us to talk about besides our kids!

    I almost didn't go, and my close friend encouraged me to come, and I'm glad I did. Both couples are good people and I don't see them often as they live away. It was fun to talk about our university days and younger days.

    I am learning that my life is valuable, and that I deserve to laugh and have fun.

    Thanks for being there gang! I truely value the lifeline you all offer!!!!
     
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  11. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Well,if Trump was the reason to have a fun discussion that didn't involve your children...then, you are welcome. LOL. Of course someone will post that it must have been Clinton...either way. Glad you enjoyed your time with friends! KSM
     
  12. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    YES! YES! YES!
    :bpotd:
    Thank you for making my heart smile!
    (((HUGS)))
    Leafy
     
  13. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    I'm so glad to hear that went well. I'm always worried about what to say too so I just don't elaborate and always dread the question. I try to just be happy for others about the success of their children and not compare my son. The not comparing is the difficult part. Even comparing the differences in out parenting trying to figure out where I went wrong.
    It's even worse though when your close friends don't even ask about your son and stop talking to you very much and you think that's probably why. My very best friend has hardly talked to me at all since I found out about my sons drug use and did an intervention. When we do talk she never mentions my son. She also has shared many post on Facebook about avoiding negative people and negative people sucking the life out of you. I may be wrong but I have a feeling those are directed towards me, maybe I'm just paranoid because that is pretty childish.
    I just hate that we are all in this terrible situation where we have to be in constant fear of even being ask a question causing us to avoid social situations. It's just so heartbreaking and unfair. Our children just don't realize it care how this affects us. I'm so happy you went Colleen and had a good time. Just remember everyone has skeletons in their closet.
     
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  14. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    worried sick,

    I'm not a veteran here, but feel all these things these families speak about.

    Today I broke into tears because of the darn " memories" on Facebook. I get to relive the entire year again ! I took our son to school, but he left in an ambulance. That was when my posts stopped. I now and share about the twins....but I respect their privacy.

    I was hurt when my best friend tells .e what to do. She once worked with addicts 20 yrs ago...she never paints a pretty picture our a positive outlook for my son. I would rather just her listen, so now I don't tell her much. Mainly, I have stopped confiding in people.

    Friends love you for you, not your experiences our your children's lives, just you.

    Hugs on this Sunday,
    Mof
     
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  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    People don't know what to say is what I think

    I almost never talk about Bart to others. I keep the focus on my sweet kids. Nobody has to know about Bart
    .
     
  16. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    We believe it's his story...unfortunately, he is very honest about it at this time. I'm concerned when he comes home he will need to be a bit more conservative....but then again, I worry about things that have never happened...sigh
     
  17. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I have been pretty open with friends and have found that many people share about loved ones with addiction. It is something many people have had to deal with but don't talk about.

    However there are times and people I don't want to share with. At one point my son was in jail in a county where there is a community college and named after the county. So when asked what he was doing I said he was going to X (name of county) studying criminal justice and living with a bunch of guys in Y (name of town where jail was located). Not exactly a lie...

    And I too have had the experience where people don't ask about my son. I have found out people don't want to ask cause they don't want to upset me but really I am glad people ask because they care
     
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  18. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Bart isn't really in trouble. He's just a very difficult grown man who says terrible things and probably has a personality disorder. I tell people I have one grown son near St. LOUIS and his job title, but there is almost nobody I would share with how he treats most people. I am used to him. Maybe that's sad but he has had limited empathy and disregard for others all his life. Its not addiction related and I feel no need to share his life with anyone else. We don't have to. None of us do. In my case. Unless he is currently at his worse, l don't even worry about it anymore. My three wonderful kids, my sun shine granddaughter and my husband give me all the pure love I need. And I know bart loves me even with how he talks to me. Bart s behavior is off the table to most.

    Don't you think some of these perfect families may be hiding secrets too? I do. To others I'm sure we look like the Brady Bunch. Well, except that we don't look alike...lol. And Alice is me!

    You owe nobody anything if it makes you uncomfortable. It's a boudary issue. Only share if and what you like. I think it's ok to say,"for personal reasons I don't want to talk about Joey." If they are not respectful of that boundary and say,"oh, something wrong?" I think it's fine to repeat,"I would rather not discuss him."

    I HAVE GOTTEN NEGATIVE FEEDBACK in ways I didn't want when I have explained my problems of various sorts even to friend's. So I don't share
    I talk to my husband and therapist if I need to talk. None of us have to tell our stories. It is up to us.
    I am grateful Bart is in St. Louis. The distance is good for both of us.
     
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  19. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    My husband knows that my close group of friends and a few girls at work know about our son. He has asked me firmly NOT to share his latest situation (drinking at his IOP house and having to move). He feels that is "sharing our dirty laundry" and that is our "family business". I think he is ashamed.

    I tell them anyway. He doesn't like to talk much about things - gets sick of me talking about it even though I try not to talk about it as much with him as I WANT to. I shared this all with my therapist and she said that if my friends give me support then it is ok. I just don't tell him what I tell them! It must come out.

    I would not tell someone that I do not know well or see rarely anything at all or minimal and nothing bad. Maybe "He's living and working in Florida". Sounds so glamorous! And so what if he's not working right now LOL.

    I found out that one of my son's childhood friends said horrible things to my son by text that I just happened to see (when he was in rehab here in Chicago and I had his phone) like he is a douche, he is a loser, nothing but an addict, the lowest form of life, etc. really cruel stuff...I hurt so bad when I read these things. That was my son's first friend at age 4. A neighbor. We treated him like our own son. Prior to this I had found out that his father is having an affair with his wife's best friend. It has been going on for years. Husband told my husband some time ago and he told me. So....there you have it. This "friend" was sitting high on his perch and spitting down on us. Little did he know the filth going on in his own home.

    I know sometimes my friends don't ask because later they tell me that they care and pray for us but don't want to bring it up all the time. I know they care and I appreciate that.
     
  20. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Another thing I just thought of regarding this thread. My one good friend now is trying to "counsel" me on how to handle my son. I really never asked for her advice. Gosh the professionals have a hard enough time trying to figure it out!!!

    She means well, BUT I have a therapist for that. She has a 30 year old son who is very smart but probably has a touch of Aspergers (based on a lot of research she has done) and he's a bit not like the norm so I'd tend to agree there is something going on. She's gone through a lot with him but that was many years ago.

    She has never dealt with addiction. It's a whole different beast. I told her that my therapist is helping me/us set healthy boundaries etc. Hoping that she'll stop doing THAT and just be my FRIEND. There is so much she does not know. No one really gets it until they deal with it. It's just one of those things.
     
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