How do you deal with outbursts?

[Malika]

I am wondering... how do you deal with your difficult child's outbursts? Obviously this will vary according to age (theirs, if not yours ) but still... Sometimes I just get impatient with J's difficultness, sometimes I am more patient and understanding. Everything he says is so intense and dramatic at these moments; at times it wears me down and I think "Oh, for goodness' sake!" (polite version) Tonight before bed (yes, yes, I know, tiredness playing its part), he was protesting about everything - brushing his teeth, having a bath, me saying no to a computer game (I have started letting him play a simple game on the computer, which is probably fatal), you name it - and I was just telling him "Oh come on, J, stop making this ridiculous fuss!" Then when he saw me getting cross, he would start crying and say "So-o-reee, Mummy!" and I would feel like a heel... But really, this endless drama does just get to you at times.
How patient are you in dealing with this kind of stuff?

 

[TeDo]

Malika, being human, my patience varies from day to day. If simply replying what you did stops it, then hooray for you. difficult child 1's intensity also varies from day to day. I hate to say this but there is no pat answer. I could tell you today what I did today that worked but tomorrow, the answer could be very different.

 

[Malika]

Oh, I know, TeDo Not looking for answers - I've got beyond that illusion, lol - but just interested to know people's different takes and experiences, really. Thanks for sharing.

 

[Ktllc]

It so depends on how intense V is, for how long, or how many days , how the other kids are feeling and how I feel. Lots in the equation! Than, add what's going at work, if husband has been gone or home, etc...
(clicked wrong button...)
Sometimes: low voice, patience works best. But some other times, one loud big shouts is more efficient.
And then, during weeks like right now: NOTHING works!!! So I tend to go from patient to "now it is ridiculous!!!".
I sometimes dream of a better version of myself: therapeutic Mom at all times.

 

[Malika]

Lol, Ktllc. You will have to copy Therapeutic Mom when you manufacture her and sell her on the open market... Because she probably is a robot, isn't she, and not the real live flesh and blood kind of thing.
I dream of her too, by the way

 

[HaoZi]

I just wish I was better at handling her outbursts. I'm happier when she shuts down than when she acts out, much easier to handle.

 

[InsaneCdn]

And I'd rather deal with an outburst than a shutdown... but it depends I suppose on what the risk factors are. For us, outburst = still communicating = I can still reach difficult child somehow. Shutdown means there is lots going on behind those dark eyes, but I can't reach him, and that can be very dangerous. I NEED to be involved in the thought process. So... sometimes when he goes into shutdown, I have to manufacture a new crisis to get back to outburst mode.

Patience? I'd have ZERO if it weren't for husband. I have no idea how any of you manage difficult children "solo".

 

[Malika]

Because, IC, it's called Rising to the Occasion and if you had to, you would

 

[InsaneCdn]

Because, IC, it's called Rising to the Occasion and if you had to, you would

I know what you're saying, and yet... if I had to? really had to? I'd crack. I'd be in psychiatric hospital - full time, for a long time. I'm too close to the edge WITH support. I'm still not sure I won't end up there, sooner or later - I'm just hoping its "later".

 

[buddy]

I feel the same as every single response. In fact when I saw this thread (230 a.m.) I startled myself laughing out loud. Lately I really have worked hard to not react because even total agreement increases the rage. But being human and at times for safety I do end up getting angry at times (like today when he pushed a shopping cart into my ankle and then quickly said ...sorry I didnt mean to ...bu11 sh1+. You maybe didn't know how much it would hurt but you knew it would cause a reaction! I've never yelled at him in a public place before! (Well I didn't yell but my voice was raised )....of course he just matched my intensity and it did no good.
I have also started just walking to my car if he bumps me while walking at a mall or park ..
Or if he is being verbal ..tics or not ...i walk to the car. (Luckily he always follows ) and leave. No words of explanation needed. It's helping. Reduces power struggles and shifts his brain to stop the issue.

It sure is mentally exhausting always trying to avoid or end outbursts.

 

[firehorsewoman]

I ignore a lot of them. As long as the meltdowns/outbursts are not causing anyone or anything harm, I find that ignoring them is what helps me the most. If they continue to escalate or if there is danger of difficult child hurting himself, me, easy child, the dogs, etc....then I react...not always in a way that I "should" but in a way that stops the violence.

Unfortunately, my ignoring technique has resulted in easy child telling her father that I "do nothing" when difficult child is melting down. He has mentioned this at psychiatrist appointment making the comment "you cannot handle an eight year old." I don't see it as doing nothing. I see it as choosing not to feed the fire of difficult child's meltdowns with more energy. I see it as remaining calm in the storm. Am I kidding myself?

 

[InsaneCdn]

I see it as choosing not to feed the fire of difficult child's meltdowns with more energy. I see it as remaining calm in the storm. Am I kidding myself?

Not necessarily... the key questions are whether it is working, and/or whether it is buying you time to figure out the source of the melt-downs to be able to implement more proactive (preventative) strategies.

 

[firehorsewoman]

I think that ignoring does work for lower level meltdowns/outbursts. Also, it does buy time....time to assess the situation...not just react to it. Using hurricane analogy, I do not ignore Category 4 & 5...mostly category 1 & 2 waiting to see where they are going and if they intensify. Many times, just like a storm, they will blow through quickly without much damage. If I can ignore those (as ugly as they may seem to easy child or an outsider) I think it is best for all of us. If difficult child's release of energy/frustration/hostility through a meltdown or outburst can be tolerated without reacting I think this is better than reacting and adding more energy/drama/emotion etc into the mix. Also, after eight plus years of this, my tolerance level is pretty high. I am sure that I ignore much more than a parent with only easy child children would.