How do you deal with

[Mamaof5]

disappointment and resentment? It's almost a year since my discovery of his infidelity and while he has been transparent and has deleted all of the accounts that were involved with the online emotional affair as well as we stopped using facebook (I now refer to it as f--kbook, use your imagination if you will) I feel like he hasn't done enough "heavy lifting" to repair the damage.

I tried going to counselling, 4 sessions but it only left me worse off than it helped and I've come to realize that counselling doesn't work if it's one person going and the other person refusing to or denying they don't need it. It rugsweeps it, doesn't initiate talk about it, doesn't seem to want to. I feel like all he wants to do is go back to the way it was when it can never be that again.

The holidays are utterly depressing (they already were for me, I hate Christmas...my own issues but still can't help it, it's emotional baggage from childhood - I have improved over the years). Most days I'm okay but then there is the triggers and downward spiral into self loathing, why me pity party and the F my life feelings. I feel second best, I feel like a second choice, a fall back on kind of choice.

I'm tired of asking for my emotional needs to be met, I'm tired of not seeing any hard work for what he's done. I'm tired of being ignored, unappreciated. I tired of no remorse shown. I keep thinking how many more years until the youngest is 16 and I can move on (yeah I know not the best thing to do) or "well I'll get through the holidays and then I can leave" feelings.

I don't respect him or at least have extremely low respect for him. I'm still waiting for date night, that was almost a year ago I asked for him to take care of that need. I'm still waiting. I gave up asking. Rather frustrating. I've talked until I'm blue in the face and still no change. Not that he hasn't done things to or isn't trying but he's mostly excuses for the things he hasn't met my needs for (I forgot to, I was going to do but it slipped my mind, blah blah blah).

I get the eye roll for when I want to discuss issues of needs not being met so now I don't bother. Now it's just frustration, resentment and disappointment...makes for a very undesirable husband and situation...

What would you do? *sigh*

On a brighter note: I start a new job (albeit for now part time with a promise of very real possibility of full time) in January. Yay me (freaking FINALLY).

 

[tiredmommy]

First off, {{{hugs}}}. Yours is a position I hope I'm never in.

With that said, I think you need to start taking care of your own emotional needs. You want an evening out? Plan one with friends... and he can stay with the kids. Find things to become involved in that interest you. I'm not advocating an extramarital affair, just for you to do the work to redevelop your self worth. Don't count on your husband, he's proven he's not invested in the marriage.

 

[hearts and roses]

Ditto what TM said. That s EXACTLY what you do next. You've stated your needs, you've given counseling at least half a shot (I personally believe that going on your own may be beneficial in finding ways to meet your own needs rather than expecting H to do so)...now is the time to begin taking the steps necessary to make yourself happy on your own through friends, work, self reliance. It's scary to take that next step (I can relate as I have done it), but it may be just the thing to prove how lovable you are to YOU!

Big hugs, we are here for you!

 

[HaoZi]

You do what does for you. While I've been there done that, I never got past the resentment and the relationship fell apart, so I'd say if counseling helps YOU, do that, and do it for YOU. I'm sure there are also support groups in real life and online for spouses in your position as well. Develop new hobbies, become a newer happier you. Be who makes you happy, and that might push him into stepping up to the plate eventually as well.

 

[Hound dog]

I agree with TM and Jo, if your needs aren't being met then it's high time to tend to them yourself so they are met. You deserve it, and you most certainly deserve to be happy.

There are many couples who can't get past this issue, regardless of therapy ect. The old saying is, When it's time you'll know it, no one will have to tell you. Not sure how true that is......as I've only come close, not actually reached that point.

(((hugs)))

 

[1905]

You aren't waiting around anymore for him to "send you flowers". You get yourself flowers! It's much more lonely to be with him and feel so slighted and hurt than it is to be alone. You do not wait around anymore! Free yourself, it's got to all be about you and your kids. He has shown you how to treat him, ignore him. He's shown you how he feels about you, you are way better than that. (((HUGS)))

 

[DammitJanet]

I think you have said before that he wasnt extremely emotionally lovey dovey before all this happened so I think it is unrealistic to expect that he is suddenly going to become Don Juan now. He probably has no clue how. I live with one who thinks if he picks me flowers out of the field in front of house, that is a huge gesture. I take it as if they are roses. They die within a day...lol. Mine thinks I will be thrilled with a set of deer antlers on the wall as a gift. Yeah thanks honey.

I agree with those that say you have to do things that make you happy at this point. You have said that he has done all you have asked of him to give up the computer stuff so I would assume that is gone. If he is not giving you anymore reason to think he is still active in this or wanting this type activity, then you have to decide if you can live with it. If it is eating at you so much that you are so unhappy that he cannot meet your needs, and apparently he is not going to, you have some decisions to make.

 

[AnnieO]

I have been there done that with xh, who had an impersonal thing with online garbage (not all of it it koi, but what he was looking at was tasteless). He was much more interested in that, than his WIFE. It's similar but not the same. I'm going to tell you what happened, because it might shed some light for you.

I resented the he!! out of his #$%^ computer. I tried everything. He wasn't even interested in deleting accounts. I wondered what was wrong with me. I was horribly, horribly lonely - I had a house, a husband, 2 cats, a job... And I was crying myself to sleep 3 nights out of 5.

And then... I made a HUGE mistake. Someone else paid attention to me. Suddenly I felt desirable, sexy, smart - like I was no longer alone. It was intoxicating! (We did not sleep together.) But... xh had a chance to go to Oklahoma. No, I didn't get much of a choice. We went. 7 months later, my parents came and got me and the cats and brought me home. By that point I'd tried counseling (he said in so many words that he only went to the one session so I would shut up about it), and was crying myself to sleep EVERY night. I prayed almost nonstop. I did make a couple of friends in OK, one of whom I still talk to. But mostly? Mostly I was just so depressed. I went from a size 14 to a size 4 in 6 weeks flat (November to January). And to make matters worse - the guy who'd paid attention to me? We kept in touch. In retrospect, that was the impetus that got me out of the mess. And by our 3rd anniversary I was done.

I didn't divorce him immediately, I restarted my life here. I sent him birthday and Christmas gifts. And in March of the next year, I called per an email. He then told me how much he was drinking and started threatening my friends. Did I truly believe he'd bother to come 800 miles to do anything? No. But I told him that was NOT the way to win me back. He called me a few choice names and hung up on me.

I consulted with a lawyer the next morning, and by what would have been our 4th anniversary, we'd been divorced for a week. (Side note - they had a HECK of a time getting him served...)

Now that I have said all of that - he is rolling his eyes when you want to talk about needs. You may (to him) sound like a broken record. He does hear, and it plays over and over in his mind until it upsets him, then you bring it up and it's as if you've said it every hour on the hour for the last year. He knows. Clearly he's not willing to discuss it, much less do anything about it.

It's your turn. It is YOUR CHOICE to stay or go. If things are that bad, you can bet the kids know. Far, far more than you want them to. But you cannot wait for him to make you happy. The new job is a perfect start (just, honestly, do NOT get involved with coworkers, it's so much worse than all the cliches). Begin to see yourself as desirable (it projects, trust me). You clearly have a lot of good traits - and if husband can't see them, his loss. Make yourself happy - that's the start.

We love you here!!!

 

[busywend]

No way will he be 'happy' with you until you are happy with yourself!

Forget him for now. Just figure out what makes you happy. What brings you joy? Is it a massage? Getting your nails done? Joining a book club? What is your identity????? Who are you?????

Work only on your own personal side. I will guarantee when you get happy with yourself. He will be very attracted to you. You may no longer be attracted to him....but that is another issue to work on later.

 

[muttmeister]

Well, like it or not, it seems to me you have two choices. You can take the bull by the horns and DO SOMETHING about the situation or you can leave it as it is. Obviously, he isn't gong to do anything so it's up to you.

Right now, with Christmas and your feelings about it, may not be the perfect time to start making BIG decisions but once we get through the holidays, if I were you (that's what you asked) I would sit down and do some real soul searching. If you have somebody you trust (a friend, a relative, a pastor, a counselor) it might help to talk to them but, in the end, YOU are the one who is going to have to make a decision and live with it.

You have only one life. This is it. You can either be miserable in the situation you are in, find a way to make that situation tolerable, or get out of it. What you choose is up to you but whatever you choose, there will be a way to make it happen.

I was in a miserable marriage. He was cheating. I divorced him while I had two difficult children, ages 1 and 4. It was not really an easy life but it was better than if I had stayed with him. You deserve better than he is giving you right now.

I know life isn't easy right now but whatever you decide to do, we here are on your side and will be pulling for you.
Good luck.

 

[DDD]

I've never read a thread that so totally expressed caring wisdom. Follow the advice given. Great news that you have something to look forward to with the New Year. Congrats on getting the new job..and the new opportunity to expand your life. The only thing I would add to the others is stop talking about the issue. You've already said everything you have to say. There's no point. Time to move on with meeting your own needs. It's not ideal but it is possible to share a life with an imperfect person by concentrating solely on functionality. Yeah, I know it's not what you want...but it's what you have right now. Hugs DDD

 

[Signorina]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Which is more appealing - Your life staying as it is FOREVER -OR- Letting the relationship go?

Of course neither one is appealing but if pain of staying with the status quo seems preferable to the fear of starting a new life... stay. If the fear of starting a new life is preferable to the pain in maintaining the status quo...it's time for a change. Only you can decide...

{hugs}

 

[trinityroyal]

Mof5, the others have offered some terrific advice, and said it far more eloquently than I could have.

I will just add something I learned from experience:
As the marriage counsellor who was seeing me (but not my ex-H) said during my first appointment, "You realize that if you're the only one participating in this, then the chances for your marriage surviving are not high. What you're really doing is divorce preparation."

That statement gave me the clarity to see the situation for what it was. And she was right. The marriage ended 8 months afterward. Whether you need to stay or go, you must focus on your own needs, and rebuilding a better you. That will allow you to thrive either in your marriage or out of it, whichever is best for you and your kiddoes.

And congratulations on your new job! I wish you all the best with it, and what a wonderful way to start the new year.

Trinity

 

[CrazyinVA]

You've gotten some great advice here. It's time to heal. My advice is to give counseling another try. But this time, don't go in there with the goal of helping/repairing your marriage (especially since your husband isn't interested in counseling). Go in there with the goal of helping and repairing YOU. Your husband can't help you heal, that has to come from within you. Don't look to him to fix things by doing this or that ... just figure out how you'll get through it, one way or another.

 

[Mamaof5]

*lol* the co worker advice made me giggle because they are an ALL female team!!

This is what I have planned for the new year - The job (yay, I feel much better with that prospect lined up), I'm going to take tai chi from the local activities group (they accept all ages despite being a senior center) that is 3 bucks a class and the yoga\pilates classes at the dance studio are 8 bucks a class. Cheap and awesome, I need to get back to my prime I was in as a teen - that was the healthiest I've ever been in my life! I was ripped and healthier than a horse then.

I'm also going to see if the local Bushido dojo is still running in town. Another thing I wanted so desperately to get back into was martial arts. I probably won't do that until the tai chi & yoga\pilates classes firm up my health a bit. I can't even walk up stairs without getting breathless and tachycardia right (not life threatening by the way, found out it was supra ventricular tachycardia which is usually something they don't even have to treat with surgery, just medications for some cases and not all, it's like having mitral valve prolapse, another non threatening cardiac condition...normally).

I want nothing to do with counselling, I went to 4 sessions that left me super depressed and those sessions didn't focus on marriage counselling primarily. Maybe I didn't connect with the person but this sh.. hole town has very little to offer in the way of services unless you are dying or a child.

I am going to set a new "due date" like I did last year. Same day I discovered the infidelity. What you all have described is what marriage builders and talk about marriage call the "180" method. I already started doing some of that method. Now, in the new year I can do the rest.

I'll continue with my writing, I may even join the local writer's group again. I'm giving it another 12 months and if 180 doesn't work then I'm outtie because I can't live like this for another 14+ years. I just can't do it but I'll give it my best go to fix what I can on my side, he can either follow with me or fall on his face. I'm done talking to him about it, I'm done begging, I'm done feeling like a piece of poo poo over it. I'm done being second to people now...

Honestly, my new life anthem for the last 12 months has been "Rolling in the Deep" (Adele)..now it's time to change that anthem to something more appropo.... "f'ing perfect" (pink) perhaps! Screw this poo poo, I'm putting me first because I haven't put me first in 14 years!

Time to hook my inner by.tch back up and start doing for me for a change.

I just wanted to add, I'm over the infidelity part really. It's the fact that I've given him a blueprint to fix our relationship issues before\after the infidelity happened that will prevent such a situation from happening again. I've literally modeled what I want by DOING for him what I want done for me. The love letter, I wrote him one to show him how...his response "I would never be able to do that like that". He doesn't even try, makes me wonder if he is afraid of me either laughing at him for it or just total utter failure at it.

The date night thing...honestly I threw it at him and said (frustrated) do it or don't but reap what you sew if you don't. I wanted him to make the effort to set it up and get a babysitter and set a date for it. He did set a date 4 months after the fact and just never did it. Money is tight, I get that but dude come on I got a girlfriend in town that will babysit for free and 10 bucks of gas plus a pool hall that does 2 buck games...We don't even drink....

Maybe I should just set them up and say this date, this time, don't you be late.

There's another thing that really bugs me, like last night after I posted this thread. I have no respect for this behavior either, absolutely unattractive behavior all the way...

He can be so immature. I swear some days he's 16 years old. Prank calling the taxi company with *67 wasting another person's time and money (which in this society is everything these days). When he was working for the taxi company he complained ALL the time about this kind of behavior and yet he's doing it to someone else. They pay for the mileage, the gas and that can get pricey these days. Such a lack of respect for another human being....

Dump runs turn into three hour power picking sessions. I sent him to the dump last week to get rid of crud that came from the dump picking runs and he does drop off that HUGE load but comes back with more crud too. DUDE! Okay okay I'm being petty...that is small compared to other stuff honestly.

too much information alert here:

Bedroom, lately...BLAH. Twice now I've been left hanging while he gets the goodies. One wasn't his fault (grumble*darn 9 yr old and boundaries issues for my bedroom*grumble) but dude, can ya get back to where you left off later in the day...the second time...well...lets just say blah.

Also he's taking to being lazy about it. THAT DOES NOT WORK FOR ME. Don't be lazy cause sure as sht I ain't lazy in that department. Not one bit. I'd go into more detail but this is a G rated forum board. Lazy is about all I can describe without being really too much information.

Yeah okay maybe I'm just so frustrated that I'm seeing nothing but fault so let me say this:

He's an awesome father, he loves his kids. He cares about his kids to the point that he'll do without before them. Always has, has sacrificed his own things and even health for them. Always has.

Normally, 98% of the time, I'm bedroom satisfied (as in the big o I mean). I'm one of the lucky few in that department. Don't beat me please....It took us 2 or 3 years to figure each other out in that department so it wasn't always like that. I guess he just figured out which buttons to push and how is all. Just wish he'd be a little more romantic about it at times.

I'm a nym.pho, he's not. We're quite the opposite in that department. I'm the alpha in that department honestly...I guess sometimes I like being beta as well (read submissive). It's rare but it's there.

I'm rambling, I'll shut up now...

 

[DammitJanet]

lol.

Ok. I did have to laugh a bit about the love letter. I have been with Tony for gosh...almost 28 and a half years now and for at least 26 of those years I begged him to talk to me. Not just casual pass the salt talk but real talk, like in the bedroom talk. He cant do it. Simply cannot. He has no imagination. Bless his pea pickin heart. I swear if he tries, he messes things up so bad we end up fighting within 2 minutes of him saying the first word...lol. We learned it was better for him to stay mute or put a movie on. lol. Now we just talk about the good old days...eh. Thats when I can actually get him to see me as anything other than furniture when he comes home from work. Sigh.