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<blockquote data-quote="AnnieO" data-source="post: 490577" data-attributes="member: 6705"><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/hugs.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":hugs:" title="hugs :hugs:" data-shortname=":hugs:" /></p><p></p><p>I have been there done that with xh, who had an impersonal thing with online garbage (not all of it it koi, but what he was looking at was tasteless). He was much more interested in that, than his WIFE. It's similar but not the same. I'm going to tell you what happened, because it might shed some light for you.</p><p></p><p>I resented the he!! out of his #$%^ computer. I tried everything. He wasn't even interested in deleting accounts. I wondered what was wrong with me. I was horribly, horribly lonely - I had a house, a husband, 2 cats, a job... And I was crying myself to sleep 3 nights out of 5.</p><p></p><p>And then... I made a HUGE mistake. Someone else paid attention to me. Suddenly I felt desirable, sexy, smart - like I was no longer alone. It was intoxicating! (We did not sleep together.) But... xh had a chance to go to Oklahoma. No, I didn't get much of a choice. We went. 7 months later, my parents came and got me and the cats and brought me home. By that point I'd tried counseling (he said in so many words that he only went to the one session so I would shut up about it), and was crying myself to sleep EVERY night. I prayed almost nonstop. I did make a couple of friends in OK, one of whom I still talk to. But mostly? Mostly I was just so depressed. I went from a size 14 to a size 4 in 6 weeks flat (November to January). And to make matters worse - the guy who'd paid attention to me? We kept in touch. In retrospect, that was the impetus that got me out of the mess. And by our 3rd anniversary I was done.</p><p></p><p>I didn't divorce him immediately, I restarted my life here. I sent him birthday and Christmas gifts. And in March of the next year, I called per an email. He then told me how much he was drinking and started threatening my friends. Did I truly believe he'd bother to come 800 miles to do anything? No. But I told him that was NOT the way to win me back. He called me a few choice names and hung up on me.</p><p></p><p>I consulted with a lawyer the next morning, and by what would have been our 4th anniversary, we'd been divorced for a week. (Side note - they had a HECK of a time getting him served...)</p><p></p><p>Now that I have said all of that - he is rolling his eyes when you want to talk about needs. You may (to him) sound like a broken record. He does hear, and it plays over and over in his mind until it upsets him, then you bring it up and it's as if you've said it every hour on the hour for the last year. He knows. Clearly he's not willing to discuss it, much less <em>do anything</em> about it.</p><p></p><p>It's your turn. It is YOUR CHOICE to stay or go. If things are that bad, you can bet the kids know. Far, far more than you want them to. But you cannot wait for him to make you happy. The new job is a perfect start (just, honestly, do NOT get involved with coworkers, it's so much worse than all the cliches). Begin to see yourself as desirable (it projects, trust me). You clearly have a lot of good traits - and if husband can't see them, his loss. <em>Make yourself happy</em> - that's the start.</p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/hugs.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":hugs:" title="hugs :hugs:" data-shortname=":hugs:" /> We love you here!!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="AnnieO, post: 490577, member: 6705"] :hugs: I have been there done that with xh, who had an impersonal thing with online garbage (not all of it it koi, but what he was looking at was tasteless). He was much more interested in that, than his WIFE. It's similar but not the same. I'm going to tell you what happened, because it might shed some light for you. I resented the he!! out of his #$%^ computer. I tried everything. He wasn't even interested in deleting accounts. I wondered what was wrong with me. I was horribly, horribly lonely - I had a house, a husband, 2 cats, a job... And I was crying myself to sleep 3 nights out of 5. And then... I made a HUGE mistake. Someone else paid attention to me. Suddenly I felt desirable, sexy, smart - like I was no longer alone. It was intoxicating! (We did not sleep together.) But... xh had a chance to go to Oklahoma. No, I didn't get much of a choice. We went. 7 months later, my parents came and got me and the cats and brought me home. By that point I'd tried counseling (he said in so many words that he only went to the one session so I would shut up about it), and was crying myself to sleep EVERY night. I prayed almost nonstop. I did make a couple of friends in OK, one of whom I still talk to. But mostly? Mostly I was just so depressed. I went from a size 14 to a size 4 in 6 weeks flat (November to January). And to make matters worse - the guy who'd paid attention to me? We kept in touch. In retrospect, that was the impetus that got me out of the mess. And by our 3rd anniversary I was done. I didn't divorce him immediately, I restarted my life here. I sent him birthday and Christmas gifts. And in March of the next year, I called per an email. He then told me how much he was drinking and started threatening my friends. Did I truly believe he'd bother to come 800 miles to do anything? No. But I told him that was NOT the way to win me back. He called me a few choice names and hung up on me. I consulted with a lawyer the next morning, and by what would have been our 4th anniversary, we'd been divorced for a week. (Side note - they had a HECK of a time getting him served...) Now that I have said all of that - he is rolling his eyes when you want to talk about needs. You may (to him) sound like a broken record. He does hear, and it plays over and over in his mind until it upsets him, then you bring it up and it's as if you've said it every hour on the hour for the last year. He knows. Clearly he's not willing to discuss it, much less [I]do anything[/I] about it. It's your turn. It is YOUR CHOICE to stay or go. If things are that bad, you can bet the kids know. Far, far more than you want them to. But you cannot wait for him to make you happy. The new job is a perfect start (just, honestly, do NOT get involved with coworkers, it's so much worse than all the cliches). Begin to see yourself as desirable (it projects, trust me). You clearly have a lot of good traits - and if husband can't see them, his loss. [I]Make yourself happy[/I] - that's the start. :hugs: We love you here!!! [/QUOTE]
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