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How do you handle defiance? Take things away?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 457369" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>On the "tolerate other kids" front, I did this with difficult child 1's friends as far as I could. There were three friends, all of them socially inept in various ways. All four of them (I include difficult child 1 here) had a reputation for aggression and violence, the school had actually fostered the friendship by organising a boot camp for them all. Before that, difficult child 1 hung out with the good kids. After the boot camp, all the bad kids hung with difficult child 1 and the good kids were too scared to come near them. So I had to take the new friends on board and I didn't much like them to begin with.</p><p></p><p>Because we live in an isolated area, when friends came over we entertained them in our home. But when a couple of difficult child 1's friends got unpleasant with difficult child 3 (who wanted to hang with the big boys even though he was only four years old) I banned them from the house. They had said, "Go away or I'll kill you," and you do not say this to an autistic pre-schooler in his own home!</p><p>But I never banned the biggest of the boys, even though the school specifically rang me to warn me about the dangers of this boy being friends with difficult child 1. I had never had a problem with this boy and in fact I found him to be polite to me and pleasant. He was awkward with difficult child 3 of course, but he was not mean to him.</p><p></p><p>The boys respected my rules, however. There were a couple of times when the rules were tested - a neighbour had apparently offered difficult child 1 a TV he was throwing out, difficult child 1 arranged for his friends to follow him home (quite an inconvenience, they would have had two hours travel) in order to help him carry home the TV. They stopped at the threshold and did not come in because they knew they were banned. This was two years later, so I let them in and they behaved themselves.</p><p></p><p>Over the next 6 years I took the biggest boy especially under my wing. His mother is a lovely lady, but ineffectual as an advocate for her son. She did not realise how much support he needed. So I made sure this boy enrolled in college with difficult child 1, I drove them in, I walked them through the process, I took them both to the disabilities staff, I followed through on their studies and nagged them both. I know if I hadn't done this, the boy would not have finished that year in college. difficult child 1 might not have either.</p><p></p><p>Flash forward another few years and this biggest boy got married. Three years ago he was best man for difficult child 1's wedding (an ordeal for someone I know now to be Aspie). And a month ago it was his turn - and difficult child 1 was best man. Another groomsman was the very boy who had been so horrible to difficult child 3 all those years ago. He's still got a lot of problems, I think there is more than Asperger's going on though. But he's polite to me, has confided in me at times when he's had problems. I don't think he's violent any more, he had a stint in the army which I think worked that out of him. The army eventually realised he was totally unsuited and discharged him (honourably) after about three years.</p><p></p><p>But I knew that for various reasons, these boys had problems at home. Even difficult child 1's best man whose mother is a good person, had more problems than she could handle.</p><p></p><p>At the wedding, his bride and his mother-in-law both approached me and recruit me to the "let's keep helping him" team. I was flattered, and because he has been such a good support to difficult child 1, I am happy to do this.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes when you begin to do something merely to keep an eye on your own child and keep them safe, you end up helping others too.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 457369, member: 1991"] On the "tolerate other kids" front, I did this with difficult child 1's friends as far as I could. There were three friends, all of them socially inept in various ways. All four of them (I include difficult child 1 here) had a reputation for aggression and violence, the school had actually fostered the friendship by organising a boot camp for them all. Before that, difficult child 1 hung out with the good kids. After the boot camp, all the bad kids hung with difficult child 1 and the good kids were too scared to come near them. So I had to take the new friends on board and I didn't much like them to begin with. Because we live in an isolated area, when friends came over we entertained them in our home. But when a couple of difficult child 1's friends got unpleasant with difficult child 3 (who wanted to hang with the big boys even though he was only four years old) I banned them from the house. They had said, "Go away or I'll kill you," and you do not say this to an autistic pre-schooler in his own home! But I never banned the biggest of the boys, even though the school specifically rang me to warn me about the dangers of this boy being friends with difficult child 1. I had never had a problem with this boy and in fact I found him to be polite to me and pleasant. He was awkward with difficult child 3 of course, but he was not mean to him. The boys respected my rules, however. There were a couple of times when the rules were tested - a neighbour had apparently offered difficult child 1 a TV he was throwing out, difficult child 1 arranged for his friends to follow him home (quite an inconvenience, they would have had two hours travel) in order to help him carry home the TV. They stopped at the threshold and did not come in because they knew they were banned. This was two years later, so I let them in and they behaved themselves. Over the next 6 years I took the biggest boy especially under my wing. His mother is a lovely lady, but ineffectual as an advocate for her son. She did not realise how much support he needed. So I made sure this boy enrolled in college with difficult child 1, I drove them in, I walked them through the process, I took them both to the disabilities staff, I followed through on their studies and nagged them both. I know if I hadn't done this, the boy would not have finished that year in college. difficult child 1 might not have either. Flash forward another few years and this biggest boy got married. Three years ago he was best man for difficult child 1's wedding (an ordeal for someone I know now to be Aspie). And a month ago it was his turn - and difficult child 1 was best man. Another groomsman was the very boy who had been so horrible to difficult child 3 all those years ago. He's still got a lot of problems, I think there is more than Asperger's going on though. But he's polite to me, has confided in me at times when he's had problems. I don't think he's violent any more, he had a stint in the army which I think worked that out of him. The army eventually realised he was totally unsuited and discharged him (honourably) after about three years. But I knew that for various reasons, these boys had problems at home. Even difficult child 1's best man whose mother is a good person, had more problems than she could handle. At the wedding, his bride and his mother-in-law both approached me and recruit me to the "let's keep helping him" team. I was flattered, and because he has been such a good support to difficult child 1, I am happy to do this. Sometimes when you begin to do something merely to keep an eye on your own child and keep them safe, you end up helping others too. Marg [/QUOTE]
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