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General Parenting
How do you handle defiance? Take things away?
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<blockquote data-quote="InsaneCdn" data-source="post: 457393" data-attributes="member: 11791"><p>Lets answer two questions at once.</p><p>There are TWO kids of activities going on at home.</p><p>1) high-value family-oriented bonding activities, and</p><p>2) everything else.</p><p></p><p>To tie consequences, etc. to the first category completely undermines the value of these activites. These are for building relationships, "positive points" that can't be taken away.</p><p></p><p>To tie <u>logical</u> conequences to "everything else" is normal living.</p><p></p><p>So... the ToonTown bit? Try and keep the "logical" on the positive side. For example, if she "earns" a dollar toward it for each day that she (just for argument here) makes her bed, puts away her clothes, and does one kitchen task without being asked... (this list has to be part of the negotiations with Niece... do not use MY list) then if these things are not done, nothing gets earned that day, <u>but nothing gets taken away either.</u> It doesn't work to use negative consequences. In this case, Niece can be shown that it is a real-world situation... you only get paid if your work is done. But you don't lose yesterday's pay if you don't do today's work... make sense?</p><p></p><p>The best type of negative consequences are the ones where the "parent" doesn't have to do any dishing out of consequences. Lose or break your cell phone... you don't have one until you earn enough to replace it. It wasn't taken away... the difficult child did something that caused the problem. Sure, difficult child will rant and rave and complain about how mean they are for not replacing her phone immediately. I mean, really - she can't live without a phone! But... it wasn't "taken away". SHE lost/damaged it... kick yourself, kid, and learn from it.</p><p></p><p>Now - back to the high-value family-oriented bonding activities.</p><p>TV, computer games, and other "individual pursuits" do not count.</p><p>Board games, baking... sure.</p><p>But I'm not seeing much else "family-oriented".</p><p>Hiking? Biking? Swimming?</p><p>Watching a particular type of movie <u>together</u>? (if it were a mutual interest, make it a goal to watch every Monty Python movie, or a historical fiction movie every week, or whatever they agree on) In this case, you make an evening out of it... popcorn, drinks, a scheduled "break", etc.</p><p>Sing in a choir?</p><p>Volunteer at the hospital?</p><p>What kinds of activities really make your Mom and Dad shine?</p><p></p><p>Additional point:</p><p>Oh, you mentioned.... they have a dog. Niece really likes the dog. They could think about enrolling Niece in a Junior Handlers class and see if she can make Doggie really shine. There's only one dog, so its not a family activity YET. If she can get Doggie trained to the "therapy dog" level, then she and her sister can put together a whole "three man" show (ok, 2 tweens and a dog) and go visit hospitals or nursing homes. Success in training an animal really does wonders for a kid's self-esteem. Because the intent is to build self-esteem, this can't be an "earned" thing, and can't be taken away as a consequence of anything <u>except mis-handling the dog or consistently not doing the training.</u> (see the "logical" to the consequence?)</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="InsaneCdn, post: 457393, member: 11791"] Lets answer two questions at once. There are TWO kids of activities going on at home. 1) high-value family-oriented bonding activities, and 2) everything else. To tie consequences, etc. to the first category completely undermines the value of these activites. These are for building relationships, "positive points" that can't be taken away. To tie [U]logical[/U] conequences to "everything else" is normal living. So... the ToonTown bit? Try and keep the "logical" on the positive side. For example, if she "earns" a dollar toward it for each day that she (just for argument here) makes her bed, puts away her clothes, and does one kitchen task without being asked... (this list has to be part of the negotiations with Niece... do not use MY list) then if these things are not done, nothing gets earned that day, [U]but nothing gets taken away either.[/U] It doesn't work to use negative consequences. In this case, Niece can be shown that it is a real-world situation... you only get paid if your work is done. But you don't lose yesterday's pay if you don't do today's work... make sense? The best type of negative consequences are the ones where the "parent" doesn't have to do any dishing out of consequences. Lose or break your cell phone... you don't have one until you earn enough to replace it. It wasn't taken away... the difficult child did something that caused the problem. Sure, difficult child will rant and rave and complain about how mean they are for not replacing her phone immediately. I mean, really - she can't live without a phone! But... it wasn't "taken away". SHE lost/damaged it... kick yourself, kid, and learn from it. Now - back to the high-value family-oriented bonding activities. TV, computer games, and other "individual pursuits" do not count. Board games, baking... sure. But I'm not seeing much else "family-oriented". Hiking? Biking? Swimming? Watching a particular type of movie [U]together[/U]? (if it were a mutual interest, make it a goal to watch every Monty Python movie, or a historical fiction movie every week, or whatever they agree on) In this case, you make an evening out of it... popcorn, drinks, a scheduled "break", etc. Sing in a choir? Volunteer at the hospital? What kinds of activities really make your Mom and Dad shine? Additional point: Oh, you mentioned.... they have a dog. Niece really likes the dog. They could think about enrolling Niece in a Junior Handlers class and see if she can make Doggie really shine. There's only one dog, so its not a family activity YET. If she can get Doggie trained to the "therapy dog" level, then she and her sister can put together a whole "three man" show (ok, 2 tweens and a dog) and go visit hospitals or nursing homes. Success in training an animal really does wonders for a kid's self-esteem. Because the intent is to build self-esteem, this can't be an "earned" thing, and can't be taken away as a consequence of anything [U]except mis-handling the dog or consistently not doing the training.[/U] (see the "logical" to the consequence?) [/QUOTE]
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How do you handle defiance? Take things away?
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