I am so very sorry. It is such a tough situation to have to live with. Have you read any of the Love and Logic books? Sometimes taking a step back and reading or re-reading a book like that can be helpful as it can give you a new perspective and some ways to change. You cannot change your difficult child. Period. ALL that you can do is to change yourself. Call the cops when he damages the house or anyone else's things. Call for transport to a psychhosp if he is violent and/ threatening. If he won't let you use the phone then leave the house and find a phone at a neighbors or the store or use your cell phone from the locked car. Refusing to let someone call the police/911 is also a crime, by the way. Work on letting him live iwth the consequences of his actions. If he stinks, he cannot come into the main rooms for any real length of time - no one wants to be near someoen who stinks. Get the video games, tv, etc... out of his room and into the main room. If he doesn't stink to YOUR NOSE then he can play. Stinky people don't need video games or tv. He can be in his room. I am assuming there isn't much in his room, or else it is a mess. Get rid of anything that bugs YOU. Heck, with his behavior, I would at least consider stripping it to the barest of basics. Yeah, he will have a fit. But he has those anyway, doesn't he?
Make sure your bedroom has a sturdy door and a strong lock. use it at night and/or when you want a break. Keep a computer and tv and if you like video games get your own system for in there. Make it your oasis - right down to noise cancelling earphones if you need them! Not for long periods of time, but for a break when you cannot get away from the house for a while.
Read "Parenting Your Teen with Love and Logic"(or re-read it). It won't work as well on a difficult child as it will on a easy child. It WILL change how YOU react to him, how YOU behave. He won't get instantly better and you will have to be persistent. You may find that at least YOU are calmer because you have a plan to handle what comes up. That is what it did for us. It confused Wiz mightily - we were NOT doing what he expected and that was wrong, wrong, wrong in his mind. Yeah, we had to keep changing some things, but it did help a lot.
Call a domestic violence center or stop in and make an appointment to see someone. What you are going through is more than some tdocs will know what to do with. A dv center may not have clients who are abused by violent kids/teens, but they DO deal with violence used to control people. THAT is what is going on in your home. Your son is clearly using violence to control his world and the entire family. YOU AND husband ARE BOTH ABUSED PEOPLE. It is HARD to hear, and harder to accept. It is also very true.
Just like a battered woman has some power in a relationship with a husband, boyfriend, so, etc... you and husband have some power in your relationship with difficult child. Not as much as many people assume a parent has, because your son is a difficult child. But you CAN learn to stop taking the abuse, and difficult child can learn to behave better. If you don't do things NOW to teach him to stop, regardless of if he learns to handle his other issues, he is going to go out into the world with this violence and he IS going to end up in HUGE trouble. As it is, many of the things he has done would land him in jail if he did them to anyone who wasn't an immediate family member.
Do NOT allow yourself to try to "protect" him from the legal consequences of his actions. Right now he is learning that it is okay to use violence to make people do what you want. NOT NOT NOT because you wanted or tried to teach him this. Rather it is because the unending violence and lack of support/respite/etc... have overwhelmed you enormously.
You CAN stop accepting this as how he is. You CAN find support to help you, even if you cannot find support to help get through to him via therapy, medications, etc... (and we all pretty much know that Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is almost impossible to get unless you are wealthy or in a very good financial position. Even then finding a program to accept a kid isn't always possible.)
Go to the DV center. Start on a plan. See a therapist at the dv center. Have his medications checked if you think that will help. Read the book that I mentioned, and think about the things it suggests. Keep coming here to vent. Talk to husband about when difficult child turns 18 - what do you want to happen, what does he want to happen, how do you intend to get it to happen?
I have listed a bunch of things. Too much to do all at once, it would be overwhelming. I know my first choice for you would be to call the DV center for an appointment and to read the L&L book. But pick any 1 or 2 that you think you can handle this weekend, and do them. There are hotlines for DV centers, so you can call one of them and find out what the routine is for getting an appointment and some help. I was shocked at everything they offered and how helpful and understanding they were. I was the first parent who had come in because a child was abusing her. It was almost 5 yrs ago and now they have quite a few parents in our situations. Just knowing they were there and would help me was a huge relief and very empowering.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))