How many are divorced?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mattsmum, Sep 1, 2007.

  1. mattsmum

    mattsmum New Member

    I know this is awful...but I do think about it.

    1. How many of you are divorced because of the stress in your home, more specifically stress between your difficult child and husband?

    2. If you had to choose between your difficult child and your husband, who would you choose? I ask because I feel I may be in that situation. It is a no-win situation either way.
  2. jannie

    jannie trying to survive....

    I am married. There is major stress in the marriage due to difficult child and his brother. Being parents to our children is very challenging... It's hard to be's hard to not give in to their's hard to be happy and enjoy each others company when every single minute of our lives is focused with dealing with our kids....They can (and do) make life misrable...husband becomes angry and upset when they're not listening or when they are fighting which is MOST of the time. I can't remember what life was before the kids.....but this is now my life.

    I think husband and I will make it together....It does seem like we're just two people working together to try and deal with the kids..there's very little romance and 90% of the conversation of about the kids...

    I'm sorry you're hurting--sending hugs
  3. Sara PA

    Sara PA New Member

    I chose my son and I am divorced. My husband was of the he's-18-now-I-don't-have-to-support-him mind. Our son was so agoro- and social phobic he wouldn't go to a drive-in window to buy himself lunch. I was suppose to make him leave and live on his own? Yeah, right. It didn't help that there was violence between them. Ex knew son was sick, knew that the drugs had made things worse but still believed that the way to deal with it was physical domination and intimidation.

    Now my son lives in CA and I live in PA and my ex lives ....somewhere. I miss my son but I am so proud of him for living on his own. I would rather be poor and alone than live the rest of my life with someone who could turn his back on his own sick child.

    ETA: My son has had no contact with his father for over two years and has no desire to. He's trying to learn not to hate.
  4. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I'm divorced for many reasons. One of them being the type of parent he was. He was not at all interested in parenting together; it was his way. Even though I had 99.9% of the responsibility.

    If I had to choose between between my kids, difficult child or not, or my husband I would choose my kids every time. Although, being in a position where you feel like you need to choose between your kids and your husband speaks volumes, to me, about more than just having difficult child's.

    I'm sorry you're finding yourself having these thoughts. I've been a single parent for most of my kids' lives and people always comment on how hard that must be. In reality, I can't imagine parenting any other way and I never know how to respond when people make those comments. What I'm trying to say is that I can only imagine the kind of toll parenting difficult child's takes on a marriage.
  5. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    My situation is different. I married into difficult child land. I knew what I was choosing to do. I told husband I would never put him in a position that he would have to choose between us. When things got bad and easy child was victimized first by difficult child 1 then difficult child 2. Each time she and I stayed with other people. For her protection. We still made the decisions together and the choices ended up leading to Residential Treatment Center (RTC) because easy child was not the only one victimized etc. Just a different perspective.

    Hope things get better for you.

  6. AllStressedOut

    AllStressedOut New Member

    I married into difficult child land too. It does stress us out, but both husband and difficult children have been told repeatedly they're stuck with me, good, bad and ugly. When husband and I first married and bio mom was still an option, oldest difficult child would say he hated us and he wanted to go live with her. I simply pulled out the divorce papers and read him how the custody works and what the judge ordered. I explained I'm married to husband forever and since he has to live with husband until he's 18, he's stuck with me. I told him I'm not going anywhere, no matter how badly he behaves. Now that I've reminded myself of this convo with him, maybe I need to have it with youngest difficult child too.

    When your husband is the bio dad and your the bio mom, you have more choices for your kids. If husband isn't doing right by your difficult child, then I'm all for leaving.

    While I believe the vows we took are important, I also believe our kids come first. I chose my 2 PCs over my ex husband as well as an ex boyfriend. The ex bo treated me like a queen and youngest easy child like a prince, but he and oldest easy child fought like pit bulls.

    You need to do what makes you happy and what is best for your kiddo.
  7. envisablepuppet

    envisablepuppet New Member

    I was wondering about this myself today. Sure seems like a lot of us are having marital problems lately. I have been married to husband for 23 yrs. and I've about had with him. easy child/difficult child can do nothing right as far as he is concerned but on the other hand he is very against her leaving. That's a lot of the reason she stays.

    I just don't understand him anymore. It's like the better she does the worse he gets. I have gotten to the point of not wanting to even come home from work at night. It's not because of her, it's him. I am so sick of his constant b******* I could just scream. I wonder what kind of crud it's gonna be this time as I'm pulling into the driveway. He has me so stressed out most of the time I'm beginning to resent him to put it nicely.

    All the c*** he is gripping about is so minor it's just crazy. It's stuff like leaving her purse on the bathroom sink, or falling asleep on the couch when she gets home from work. Yes, she still has issues but she has come so far so fast I am very proud of her. Some of the stuff he grips about is justified but most of it is just ridiculous. It's not so much that he gets mad about it, he gets in a rage about it.

    As far as choosing between the two of them, I could never turn my back on my child. I love her unconditionally but that doesnt mean I have to approve of some of the choices she makes or enable her to be stupid.

    Her and her dad are so much alike it makes it hard on me. I'm pretty easy going and passive. They are the opposite to the extreme and I've just about had it with the both of them.

    Sorry this is so long but I guess I've been needing to vent about this for awhile now.

  8. Kjs

    Kjs Guest


    Heck...I dream of leaving them BOTH!
  9. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    Total opposite here. difficult child can do no WRONG in his eyes. He tries to justify everything.
  10. goldenguru

    goldenguru New Member

    The stress created by parenting troubled kids can (in my humble opinion)do one of two things.

    It can tear the marriage apart.

    It can strengthen the marriage.

    I feel blessed that our stresses have cemented our marriage. I feel for those couples who lose themselves in the midst of the stress.
  11. ck1

    ck1 New Member

    husband and I have been married about 4 1/2 years. difficult child is mine and two easy child's are ours. husband and I NEVER argue, except, when there's issues regarding difficult child. He has threatened to leave me many many times and I've said go ahead. I don't want to raise my kids alone but I've done it before and I can do it again. He hasn't left and now we're finally on the same page regarding how to work together to help difficult child.

    I've worked very hard to teach husband about difficult child's diagnosis's. Also, I insisted that husband went to counseling to deal with his issues. He did go and was also referred to a psychiatrist for medication. Since then, he's been a different man!! That was about seven months ago. He hasn't lost his temper since and he's been tested!

    I would choose my kids first. However, staying married is best for your kids, unless you are constantly fighting. Counseling may be needed for the whole family. Maybe your husband needs to be educated about difficult child's problems?

    When difficult child was younger and husband refuse to believe in any of the rx's, I would choose difficult child. Now that husband and I are more on the same page and difficult child is 16, I would think more about choosing husband because it may be getting close to time to detach from difficult child and I have my little ones who need a daddy.

    I'm sorry you may be facing having to make this choice. I pray you're able to choose to keep your family together, but husband has to get on the same page and do what's right for all of you, not just himself.
  12. skeeter

    skeeter New Member

    I divorced because my Ex was by far the major difficult child in the family......
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If husband gave me an ultimatum, he'd find himself living elsewhere. I've been married twelve years and do love him, but there is no way I could pick even the best man over my children. However, this is a situation where these children are his and mine and he wouldn't want to leave them...
  14. mattsmum

    mattsmum New Member

    I've worked very hard to teach husband about difficult child's diagnosis's. Also, I insisted that husband went to counseling to deal with his issues. He did go and was also referred to a psychiatrist for medication. Since then, he's been a different man!! That was about seven months ago. He hasn't lost his temper since and he's been tested!

    I would choose my kids first. However, staying married is best for your kids, unless you are constantly fighting. Counseling may be needed for the whole family. Maybe your husband needs to be educated about difficult child's problems?

    That is part of the problem. I have also worked hard to teach husband about Bipolar/ADHD...and deep down he just doesn't buy it. He thinks it is willful disobedience and that GFH IS in control of how he behaves. We do go to intensive family therapy...and husband doesn't buy into that either. He does need couseling and, I believe, possible medication. He functions fine when difficult child is not around...and we are soul mates, without difficult child.
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Is he the father or stepfather? I do think it makes a difference.
  16. jamrobmic

    jamrobmic New Member

    Your husband sounds a lot like mine. It helped a little to educate him about our son's diagnosis (especially about how to handle an ODD kid), but he didn't really buy into it until he saw for himself the difference in difficult child when he was medicated vs. when he wasn't, and the difference in his behavior when there was a trigger (like staying up all night). I did have to point it out to him at first, but he began to see what I did. It took a long time, but husband did finally come around. I had to realize it was hard for husband to accept that not only was something was wrong with our son, but it was a mental health problem. It was easier for him to believe difficult child was like any other boy, and that he just needed a kick in the rear every other day or so.
  17. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    To be brief, because it is far too complicated to post in detail.......I have been married twice, divorced twice. I left bio dad when difficult child was 4 for a bazillion reasons, but one of which was what a poor father he was, and how he could barely help himself, let alone help our son.

    I was single for 7 years, and remarried a narcissist. And I do not say that lightly. If you look that personality disorder up in the DSM, he fits it to a tee. He was a prince before we married, and then morphed into a controlling egomaniac who could only see things his way. He truly believed that difficult child was a selfish, horrible brat, and displayed that to him through his actions, not words, all of the time. I left him after 2 1/2 years of marriage, but the psychiatric damage done to my son, still remains. One of my BIG, big, regrets in life was marrying that man.

    To answer your question......YES...........I would always do what was best for my son........marriage or no marriage. Hands down, no matter what.
  18. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    When my difficult child (then a total easy child) was small, I had a pediatrician advise me to keep the focus in our family on our marriage. He said that it wasn't good for kids to feel that they are the center of the world (family) because then they grow up expecting the rest of the world to see them as the center of the world.

    He also said it was good for kids to feel like they were part of a family with a strong marriage.

    I think that advice works best for parents with easy child's since difficult child issues tend to thrust themselves into the limelight. However, throughout the drama and chaos that having a difficult child brought into our lives, I always remembered what the pediatrician said. Although there were times the marriage was strained, we never got to the point where we thought that divorce was the answer.

    Our solution was taking turns at handling the difficult child problems ~ sort of like tag-teaming. When it got too much for me, I would retreat and turn it over to husband and vice versa. We didn't always agree with what the other was doing but we respected the decisions.

    Another factor was the realization that although it seems hard to believe at the time, difficult children and easy child's do grow up and move away eventually. And we have probably another 30 years of life ahead without children in our lives. I'm glad that I have husband to spend that time with.

    I probably would have felt different if it was a step-parent, though. It would have been much harder to trust husband to do the right thing with difficult child. I also would have felt very differently if my husband was abusive in any way.

    A recent book that I posted about, Beyond the Mommy Years, pointed out that we are parents of adult children far longer than we are hands-on parents. I think it is important to remember that there is life beyond active parenting.

    by the way, at a recent dinner with both difficult child and easy child, I made a joke about divorcing husband. Both of them stopped eating, looked at us, and difficult child said, "you aren't serious, are you?" It surprised me at how much the thought of it upset them ~ even though they are grown and on their own. I told them that I was just joking and they both looked very relieved.

  19. envisablepuppet

    envisablepuppet New Member

    That's my husband.

    She is and always has been a typical ADHD kid. He was present when she was diagnosis'd. It seems like he forgot what the psychiatrist told us. Add to that that we both are guilty of spoiling her since the day she was born... so yes, she can be a pure pain sometimes.

    If I had found this board when she was first diagnosis'd I think I would have been a better parent. If I could even get him to view this board I think he would have a whole different view of how her mind works. He knows you guys have helped me and he knows I still come here. I sure wish he would.

    Maybe he'd even see how much like him she really is. He's not ADHD but the rest... :surprise:

  20. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I come from a situation where my mother chose her husband (my stepfather) over her children (my brother and I). It's not an apples to apples comparison to your situation and it would take far more space than we have here to go into the whole story, but the short of it is the scars are lasting. Probably more so for my brother than myself.

    Children need unconditional love and support.