I mean.....it seems like since I was little there has literally been one calamity after another. I have written a 150 page saga just about the first 24 years of my life - and then difficult child was born! I could write another 200 pages about all I have been through since - and although I literally don't see how my mind can take on more thing - I know it will have to. It just seems like at some point my mind will just stop, my spirit will decease, my soul will perish - it will have become used up, maxed out, trashed from the stress and strain of this life I am living. Last night was one of the worst nights, ever with difficult child. I cried more than I think I have ever cried. I just kept thinking that I could not do this anymore, but yet, there is nowhere to turn, no other option, nobody to lean on. So where do I go from here? I just continue on, and hope that someday I have something left when it's over? I just think, that instead, I am physically going to die. All of the stress will take it's toll, and I will just fade away. When I see little kids now, it rips my heart out. I want what they have. I want to start over, and have their innocence, and their daddy, and a chance at being normal. When I look at little kids playing in the park, it shreds my soul, because I wanted my son to be that happy pumpkin, swinging on the swing, being pushed by his daddy. I wanted my son to be invited to all the birthday parties, and have normal play dates, and to play sports, and grow up happy and fulfilled. Instead, the 2 of us sit in the house, trying to survive on a wing and a prayer. difficult child blames me for everything bad that has ever happened to him, despite my tenacious and unrelenting try at making a good life for us. And I know that I failed. I failed him, I failed myself, I have simply failed in every capacity. I cannot hope anymore, because I think it has been extinguished. And now I am just wondering if I can even survive, because it seems as if soon, something will just stop. My body, my mind, something will just cease, because it has been overused, overwrought, and overextended. It just seems as if something will need a break soon, despite my fortitude to keep me running. Thanks for listening, and yes I am in therapy and on medications. It is just not enough.