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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 66873" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Terry said, "I know how you feel about looking at other people, their perfect kids with-perfect smiles, perfect hair ribbons, perfect hugs, perfect pkgs of crayons, not a single one broken, and feeling that huge sense of loss, that "It's not fair!" feeling. It isn't. It will never be. Once I got over that (and sometimes it comes back, but not often) I did much, much better."</p><p></p><p>She is right. But something to also remember - those perfect kids with perfect smiles, perfect manners etc - they are not real. They do not exist. Because I know WE were considered that, when I was a kid. A lot of it was fiction, spread by my mother who was desperate to prove herself a fit and capable mother - she had a lifelong sense of inferiority which I'm finally beginning to understand. Family secrets are beginning to come to light, although the full truth will never be known. But so much damage is often done, beneath the surface. </p><p></p><p>Think again of the perfect kids, perfectly dressed, mannered etc. How do THEY feel? Do they ever play properly, or are they kept restricted in tidy clothes, neat manners and pitching in to support the family?</p><p></p><p>Think of Bree in "Desperate Housewives" - the only way you can keep things so perfect is to be a fair bit Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and a great deal anal retentive. Life is not like that, for most of us, even with easy child kids.</p><p></p><p>I think I do as well as I do, because I'm so darn good at denial and reinventing the truth. When it begins to hurt too much and I know I won't be able to resolve any of the pain, I distract myself from it and find something else to do, to completely take my mind off it. This isn't healthy, I know, because sometimes it all comes back and hits me in the face (as it did in 1994).</p><p>If I sit down and list all the things that have gone wrong in my life I get angry, I get really mad, and then I get really, blackly depressed. But nothing is achieved by it - I can't go back and re-live my life. When I hear people talking about the good old days, about how wonderful their childhood was, I shake my head in disbelief. I remember a Peanuts cartoon, where someone is asking Charlie Brown, "If you could go back and live your life over, do it all again with no changes, would you?"</p><p>Charlie Brown looks at them and muses, "Do it all again? As it was? No changes? AAUUGH!"</p><p></p><p>I sympathise with him.</p><p></p><p>I won't dump on you how my life has been. No point. At some level it would risk turning into a "my life is way worse than yours!" competition, and that's not what I'm trying to say.</p><p></p><p>All I'm saying is, I think at some stage you've used the technique of, "Some day all this will be fixed and my life will be so perfect..." as a coping tool, and now its backfiring.</p><p></p><p>As a child, the family that I thought was perfect, had the perfect life and perfect children - I can look back now and see that those kids were in one way, spoiled brats, but in other ways were starved of any real affection as their parents focussed on material possessions in a desperate attempt to pass the Jones's. When parents put all the importance on money and possessions, the kids never learn what to value about themselves because nobody has ever shown them. And while childhood is bad enough for them, it brings a certain insulation against the future. THEY are the people who sigh for the carefree days of childhood, because they never were equipped to recognise and deal with their own strengths and flaws.</p><p></p><p>When life is tough, you grow up with a better understanding of what you can do, and what you can't. You can more easily find your talents. All you then need is the confidence and drive to use those talents to claw your way through life.</p><p></p><p>You need perspective on your own life and you need some way of dragging yourself out of this emotional low which is feeding on negativity. Life <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/censored2.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":censored2:" title="censored2 :censored2:" data-shortname=":censored2:" /> - I agree. But it needn't. There is beauty around you, it is there, even while you're too down to see it. It's still there, waiting for you to lift your head. It's patient. It can wait. But can you?</p><p></p><p>We grew up poor and we're still not wealthy, materialistically. But compared to some of the refugees we've spoken to, life has been a breeze. I mentioned in a post last night of a classmate of easy child's when she was 11. This boy had recently arrived from Bosnia, evacuated out before it got REALLY bad. He was still struggling with the language and he told his new classmates what it was like to live in a town which had suddenly gone mad, with former friends and neighbours killing each other. He was walking down the street holding hands with his young girlfriend when a sniper bullet killed her instantly. They were children, being shot at because they belonged to a different group or different religion. How can you come to terms with that, when you're still a child? What is childhood, under those conditions?</p><p></p><p>The only thing he could do, was keep going with his life. He will always have scars and they will run deep. But if he is to get the best revenge on his tortured childhood, success will be the answer. To rise above it and do well, IN SPITE OF IT ALL, is the best revenge on all those people and circumstances who held you back. And if you can look at ANY part of your life and see success, even a tiny speck of it, be proud of what you have achieved. Be proud of your abilities. So if you need anger to drive you, then use it. Use whatever you can, but make some movement forward.</p><p></p><p>Finding this forward movement in yourself needs to be high on your list. Whatever is standing in your way here, you need to find a way around it. get help to do so - I'm freely willing to admit I've sought counselling when I felt I couldn't do it on my own. It's not weakness to do so, it is strength.</p><p></p><p>You didn't tell us anything that happened with difficult child, but I can see several problems:</p><p></p><p>1) He is in his teens and doesn't respect you; and</p><p></p><p>2) You don't value and respect yourself, so how can he?</p><p></p><p>You need to be able to show him how to value and respect you (and himself) by setting the pace here. Talk to your counsellor about this. You're so deep in it right now, you can't find the way out. But like everything beautiful, it is there waiting for you to find it. Ask your counsellor for the help to find it.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 66873, member: 1991"] Terry said, "I know how you feel about looking at other people, their perfect kids with-perfect smiles, perfect hair ribbons, perfect hugs, perfect pkgs of crayons, not a single one broken, and feeling that huge sense of loss, that "It's not fair!" feeling. It isn't. It will never be. Once I got over that (and sometimes it comes back, but not often) I did much, much better." She is right. But something to also remember - those perfect kids with perfect smiles, perfect manners etc - they are not real. They do not exist. Because I know WE were considered that, when I was a kid. A lot of it was fiction, spread by my mother who was desperate to prove herself a fit and capable mother - she had a lifelong sense of inferiority which I'm finally beginning to understand. Family secrets are beginning to come to light, although the full truth will never be known. But so much damage is often done, beneath the surface. Think again of the perfect kids, perfectly dressed, mannered etc. How do THEY feel? Do they ever play properly, or are they kept restricted in tidy clothes, neat manners and pitching in to support the family? Think of Bree in "Desperate Housewives" - the only way you can keep things so perfect is to be a fair bit Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and a great deal anal retentive. Life is not like that, for most of us, even with easy child kids. I think I do as well as I do, because I'm so darn good at denial and reinventing the truth. When it begins to hurt too much and I know I won't be able to resolve any of the pain, I distract myself from it and find something else to do, to completely take my mind off it. This isn't healthy, I know, because sometimes it all comes back and hits me in the face (as it did in 1994). If I sit down and list all the things that have gone wrong in my life I get angry, I get really mad, and then I get really, blackly depressed. But nothing is achieved by it - I can't go back and re-live my life. When I hear people talking about the good old days, about how wonderful their childhood was, I shake my head in disbelief. I remember a Peanuts cartoon, where someone is asking Charlie Brown, "If you could go back and live your life over, do it all again with no changes, would you?" Charlie Brown looks at them and muses, "Do it all again? As it was? No changes? AAUUGH!" I sympathise with him. I won't dump on you how my life has been. No point. At some level it would risk turning into a "my life is way worse than yours!" competition, and that's not what I'm trying to say. All I'm saying is, I think at some stage you've used the technique of, "Some day all this will be fixed and my life will be so perfect..." as a coping tool, and now its backfiring. As a child, the family that I thought was perfect, had the perfect life and perfect children - I can look back now and see that those kids were in one way, spoiled brats, but in other ways were starved of any real affection as their parents focussed on material possessions in a desperate attempt to pass the Jones's. When parents put all the importance on money and possessions, the kids never learn what to value about themselves because nobody has ever shown them. And while childhood is bad enough for them, it brings a certain insulation against the future. THEY are the people who sigh for the carefree days of childhood, because they never were equipped to recognise and deal with their own strengths and flaws. When life is tough, you grow up with a better understanding of what you can do, and what you can't. You can more easily find your talents. All you then need is the confidence and drive to use those talents to claw your way through life. You need perspective on your own life and you need some way of dragging yourself out of this emotional low which is feeding on negativity. Life :censored: - I agree. But it needn't. There is beauty around you, it is there, even while you're too down to see it. It's still there, waiting for you to lift your head. It's patient. It can wait. But can you? We grew up poor and we're still not wealthy, materialistically. But compared to some of the refugees we've spoken to, life has been a breeze. I mentioned in a post last night of a classmate of easy child's when she was 11. This boy had recently arrived from Bosnia, evacuated out before it got REALLY bad. He was still struggling with the language and he told his new classmates what it was like to live in a town which had suddenly gone mad, with former friends and neighbours killing each other. He was walking down the street holding hands with his young girlfriend when a sniper bullet killed her instantly. They were children, being shot at because they belonged to a different group or different religion. How can you come to terms with that, when you're still a child? What is childhood, under those conditions? The only thing he could do, was keep going with his life. He will always have scars and they will run deep. But if he is to get the best revenge on his tortured childhood, success will be the answer. To rise above it and do well, IN SPITE OF IT ALL, is the best revenge on all those people and circumstances who held you back. And if you can look at ANY part of your life and see success, even a tiny speck of it, be proud of what you have achieved. Be proud of your abilities. So if you need anger to drive you, then use it. Use whatever you can, but make some movement forward. Finding this forward movement in yourself needs to be high on your list. Whatever is standing in your way here, you need to find a way around it. get help to do so - I'm freely willing to admit I've sought counselling when I felt I couldn't do it on my own. It's not weakness to do so, it is strength. You didn't tell us anything that happened with difficult child, but I can see several problems: 1) He is in his teens and doesn't respect you; and 2) You don't value and respect yourself, so how can he? You need to be able to show him how to value and respect you (and himself) by setting the pace here. Talk to your counsellor about this. You're so deep in it right now, you can't find the way out. But like everything beautiful, it is there waiting for you to find it. Ask your counsellor for the help to find it. Marg [/QUOTE]
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