how to calm a easy child/difficult child

[Jena]

hi

so easy child flipped out on me it's been coming for days, i posted here because let's face it she's turned into a difficult child.

i knew this trip would bring emotions for her, i knew there would be some junk. yet past week she's been soo different since off the ssri that she chose to go off of because she said it made her sick. she's been nasty, volatile, cant' talk to her, argumentative, name calling me etc.

i went in her room today to say hi, tell her i put thru the food order for the following week filled house with-easy junk to snack on, etc. yet ea. week a food order will be placed and i said can you get me the container from garage and help me de decorate for xmas.

she blew, name called me said how dare she have to walk the dog, feed the cats and help keep this house together at her age while i'm gone (she'll be 18 by the way in matter of mos). how unfair it is, how husband will never be home except his two days off, how it'll be her doing it all. i said no husband and i will talk to you tmrw nite obviously he's gotta keep working to make the money yet he'll pitch in as much as he can while i'm gone and he'll check in with-you each day, when you get home, curfew etc.

i said i told you to come you chose not to. told you i'd cover school. why should i go because my sister is CHOSING not to eat to get attention she's demented were her words i think,

on and on it went till i realized there was no point to it, she would not calm and i could not de escalate her. how i'm going to be in trouble when i leave. she threatened to not take care of pets or do anything here if i dare speak to her even slightly as a "parent" telling her what to do.

i told her when i get back therapy will start she knew that, she said no way in hell io'm going. same easy child that was before the medications began. explosive, mean, angry, argumentative, chip on shoulder, a mess.

i knew she'd have some emotions but what is it with kids they think nothing of their parents ever! she sees me a mess, swollen limping thru house taking in 300 worth of food for all of them, trying to get things accomplished and she sits there after 1,300 worth of christmas gifts new easy child etc. and says oh and where are my uggs that were due to come in this is bs!

WOW!

so i got one miserable kid who is attacking me daily who i'm trying to help who as always is ontop of me 24/7, than this one?

 

[Josie]

I'm sure this will be controversial, but I think I would wait a few days and sit down with her again and enlist her help in return for something for her. As an example, you need a pet sitter and you would like to hire her for $ X per week. husband will be the supervisor to make sure it gets done.

In an ideal world, you should not have to do this, but she is in her own difficult stage right now and you are not going to be there. Better that she feel as good as she can about the extra responsibility she will have than add to her resentment of the whole situation.

You can point out to her that in a few months, she will be old enough to move out and support herself and this is a chance to see what it would be like without having to pay for most of it. And earn some extra money at the same time.

Just my quick thoughts.

 

[DammitJanet]

I think I would work on the thoughts of her being the older, more mature person too. Most kids her age would be begging to be left home practically alone. I would be laying it on thick about how you are so proud that she is old enough to do this.

 

[Marguerite]

There is a category of child called child carer. Because of my physical disability, plus difficult child 3's autism, I have children who are also carers. Some of those children are themselves in need of being cared for. It can be complex.

Years ago I was doing volunteer charity work and was put in touch with an Aussie organisation that organised camps for kids who were carers. The Young Carers camps were born. Initially they only included kids who cared for a disabled adult, but in later years it expanded to cover kids with a disabled family member (child or adult).

At these camps the kids got to do stuff they otherwise tended to miss out on. The organisers also included group counselling sessions where these kids could debrief and share their stories. Usual counselling rules of confidentiality applied. The kids shared contact details and strong friendships were born. Both my girls married boys they met at Young Carers. easy child met SIL1 at the very first Young Carers camp ever held. SIL1 was sole carer for his partial quadriplegic mother, and had been sole carer since he was 5 years old. THAT'S doing it tough.

It's not easy when you have a disabled family member. Disability need not be physical, but it takes resources away from the family as well as prevents the family from doing so well as a unit - socially, financially, emotionally. And of course there is resentment. With no other issues, easy child/difficult child is going to be angry and resentful. She will need support and counselling, even if there is no other underlying problem. Anything else is just that much more to complicate the picture.

easy child's problems need to be acknowledged; she clearly feels not heard. I do think a long frank talk with her is warranted, but I'm not sure how well that will work right now, given that things are happening in a rush. You do have to be careful of not seeming to take easy child for granted. I think right now that is how she is feeling. Rightly or wrongly.

Marg

 

[susiestar]

As she will be 18 in a few months, why not let her take this time as a "challenge" to earn the things that will not be mandatory for you to provide once she is 18? The pet sitter idea is good (except for any animal that is "hers" - those are her responsibility or they need to be rehomed). If she and husband will be the only ones there, all she has to do is clean up after herself. husband can do his own dishes and laundry, etc... and she can do her own. How things look when you get pics or come home will show you a LOT about what you want to and are willing to provide for her once she reaches that oh-so-freeing age of 18!

Tell her that you want her to be a responsible ROOMMATE while you are gone. Look up some basic roommate rules online and try those. That angle will get a LOT more cooperation usually. You might also say that if it works out well then you might keep things on that basis for quite a while.

Just thoughts

 

[Bunny]

It's a tough call because easy child clearly feels that she has a need that is not being fulfilled and you going away to fulfil the needs of your other child is probably making her feel that her needs are pushed aside and are not as important. You're been going through this with difficult child for several months and everyone else's needs have come in second to her, even your own. She may be a little frightened, too. I know that I tend to behave that way when I am nervous or anxious about something. You are going all the way across the country. She might be feeling something like, "What will happen if I need my mom while she's gone? What if I have a question that only she can answer?"

It's not that you want her to do these things because you are the parent and she is the child, but rather because she is now an adult and you will not be there to do them, and let's face it; she's old enough to have to help around the house whether you're there or not. I would wait a few days to give her a chance to calm down before approaching her again but make it sound like you're asking her to do these things not because you won't be there to do them, but rather because she's almost an adult now and caring for things around the house are skills that she will need one day when she moves out and lives on her own. That's the only idea that I thought of.

I hope that things smooth over a bit with easy child before you have to go. This must be so hard for you.

Pam

 

[HaoZi]

Being a grown difficult child myself, thinking back to that age my Dad would have said "You're old enough to be responsible for this and I expect you to be responsible, it's part of being a family and living here. If you can't, I'll pay someone else to do it and it will come out of your allowance."

 

[Jena]

yea it's hard she has alot of anger towards difficult child who she just yelled at told her eat it's not that hard, your doing all this to get mom's attention. you change everyone's lives all the time i hate you and i hate this all the time. wish id' never been born. i dont' care about you etc.

oh yea the ****'s hitting the fan tonight here and i'm alone with-both of them. so i seperated difficult child and put her in my rm. she's upset so i can takea bath and get my swelling down. its just a messy situation.

 

[Marguerite]

I'm not there with you so I can't say for sure, but it seems to me that easy child has a just grievance and difficult child needs to hear it, just as easy child needs to be heard. if you rush in to comfort difficult child with a "there there, it's OK, I know you can't help it," you're possibly making things worse. Even if difficult child can't help it.

In other words, the air needs to be cleared, and you need to sometimes step back and not take sides in any obvious way. Very hard to do.

Marg

 

[Jena]

i get it, yet i can't do that when easy child's cursing her out. that is ridiculous and name calling. not the right way to express ones self. i didnt' coddle just threw difficult child into my rm. so they'd have space. easy child has to calm down, and handle the anger the right way maybe she'l be able to do that before we go. right now it's quiet which i'm happy for.

 

[HaoZi]

Could she put in a letter instead? That would force her to slow down and think a little more, maybe express it a little more clearly and nicely.

 

[Jena]

lol great idea yet not when she's blowing, it's loud and aggressive when she blows. like i said we have calm now i'm grateful for that. i can't take anymore stress.