How to cope after crisis with your child?

[ANewLife4Me]

We tend to come here and pour our hearts out seeking support in others. All of the wonderful advice given by all during a crisis made me think….what about after? How are we really looking out for ourselves day to day? As we know the crisis will be adverted eventually and our need to be strong at that time in our decisions. What after that?

For myself I am trying to build strength to face these crisis as they come about. I do so by reading books pertaining to my individual needs and experiences with my daughter. Am physically not capable of doing the things I once loved such as needlepoint and going anywhere without the assistance of my walker. I lean heavily on God days when I can bear no more. I enjoy time with my husband watching movies and going out occasionally. I love thrift stores when my dizziness is not so bad. I still find that my daughter is on my mind heavily most days and would like to know of positive coping strategies you may have learned or were able to have long term therapy for?

Is there a true answer to getting our lives back to somewhat of a normal life? I don’t want to be this depressed person anymore who just sits all day long and thinks, it does me no good. My husband and son say they put her out of their mind because of all the horrible things my daughter did to us, my husband just rattled some of them off again yesterday when I asked him this same question..

How do you cope?

Big hugs to all!

 

[Crayola14]

Do you have Menieres Disease? Your symptoms sound like mine when you mention dizziness and balance problems.

Eventually, you will find some kind of outlet or hobby to keep you busy. Having close friends to go out to lunch with helps.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

Do you have Menieres Disease? Your symptoms sound like mine when you mention dizziness and balance problems.

Eventually, you will find some kind of outlet or hobby to keep you busy. Having close friends to go out to lunch with helps.

I am pretty sheltered, tried friends but they too took advantage of me and I really don’t want to add that burden onto myself again. The doctors cannot figure out what makes me so dizzy. We have run all the tests, tried Meclizine , it does not work. The only thing they did find was in my brain, the back of my head where balance is, was told it’s a very small area. Mine is filled with a calcium deposit and surgery was not an option for me. Tried massive D vitamin that is supposed to break calcium up, did not work for me. My mother started at age 34 with the same, till the day she died they never figured out why. Mine is definitely getting worse, am tripping more - broke my toes - have almost fallen many times.

Depression makes it hard to be interested in a hobby or even going out, am trying to break free from it.

Thank you for your ideas!

 

[newstart]

Anewlife4me- I am sorry for your hard time. When I had depression I made myself get out and walk. I also walked on the grass barefoot to feel the earth. The one thing that grounds me and moves me beyond depression and stress in to get in a pool of water and move around, even just walking back and forth. There were times when I was feeling so weak and sick but still made myself move. I believe in movement to help with depression. Just start daily with 5 minutes of walking then slowly add the time. I truly understand that there is nothing as painful as a wayward child and the more I move the less pain I feel and that goes for emotional pain, spiritual pain etc. I also understand that with severe depression it is hard to move so I force myself to move. I also get on my bike and ride. Great stress relief. I also get dizzy from stress but still move. Sometimes when my daughter stresses me out too much I take breaks from her. I have to. I once read 'make best friends with yourself' and you will always be happy. I wish you much peace and love on this rocky journey.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

Anewlife4me- I am sorry for your hard time. When I had depression I made myself get out and walk. I also walked on the grass barefoot to feel the earth. The one thing that grounds me and moves me beyond depression and stress in to get in a pool of water and move around, even just walking back and forth. There were times when I was feeling so weak and sick but still made myself move. I believe in movement to help with depression. Just start daily with 5 minutes of walking then slowly add the time. I truly understand that there is nothing as painful as a wayward child and the more I move the less pain I feel and that goes for emotional pain, spiritual pain etc. I also understand that with severe depression it is hard to move so I force myself to move. I also get on my bike and ride. Great stress relief. I also get dizzy from stress but still move. Sometimes when my daughter stresses me out too much I take breaks from her. I have to. I once read 'make best friends with yourself' and you will always be happy. I wish you much peace and love on this rocky journey.

I love that quote of make best friends with yourself. Most things I do, as you said, force myself to do them. Couple months ago my diabetes was out of control, my kidneys failing. I said no more and started eating right and getting on my Gazelle exercise machine everyday without fail. Am an emotional eater so this is huge for me to have continued so long and the exercise as you said gives you a bit of happy.

I love being in water! Have been thinking of re-joining the YMCA just for the pool. I need my walker poolside, hopefully they would allow it.

Thank you for the ideas!

 

[Crayola14]

Water aerobics is great. I used to go all the time. If you have an injury, it’s the ideal exercise.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

Water aerobics is great. I used to go all the time. If you have an injury, it’s the ideal exercise.

It really is amazing! I loved it when used to go before.

 

[SeekinghopeNZ]

The tortured thinking is hard to lay down but I realize I have to get very deliberate and intentional with that. So I say to myself, "You are in a loop here and the thoughts are going round and round so it's time to do something to break the circuit". For me breaking the circuit is prayer, pottery making, gardening, and walking. Listening to music or sometimes looking at something funny online - anything that can make me feel good in that moment. Talking about things also helps me to process but it can also consume so much time and thinking that it dominates. So I will also say "No more talking about this for a while, it's taking up too much of my emotional time". I have had to look around me and see the relationships that have become neglected, prioritize them and do what I can to protect the relationships that are not dysfunctional. I have come to realize that happiness has to be found in small little moments, like stroking the cat or treating myself to something nice that is just for me. I agree that building up strength is important between crises, and this forum has helped me to understand the value of detachment and to try and make peace with it. Detachment also helps to give us a liferaft through the storms. I go back and reread the concepts and It affirms me when I feel doubts and I am torn. I have also come to see that I am in a grief process. So much grief! In that way I try to be kind to myself, know that I am grieving and that at some point I need to heal from the grieving with God's help.

 

[Nomad]

My hubby just retired and it's become crystal clear right now that we have no choice but to put "the situation" aside and live each day to the fullest. Not only that, but I have two friends currently with stage four cancer and it is gut wrenching to observe what they are experiencing. Life is precious. I've said before, we MUST put this situation we are all dealing with on some sort of back burner, no matter how difficult it might be. This goes double once our "special" children reach 18 and there is no doubt at age 21 (if there was some before). We must employ boundaries and detach as much as possible. We are doing that and it's much better. We always try to be polite to her and respect her feelings as appropriate. But, we are not doormats and we respect ourselves and our right to enjoy life to the fullest. "IT" is always there somewhere in the back of our minds...but we push forward and love and enjoy life to the fullest. I also pray a lot and that too has been a balm. I see a therapist as needed...but don't go regularly...I go as needed for however long I feel I need the help/support. This stuff is hard...support is often needed. "Is there a true answer to getting our lives back to normal?" I think so. I know what we have done has been very helpful. I wish it were different, but wishing does nothing. We have done the best we can under extraordinarily difficult circumstances (as we all have here). And I think boundaries and detachment are the top two "helpers," as well as support from those who understand this situation as well as prayer. Remember, it's your God given right (and maybe obligation?) to do your best to keep yourself healthy to the best of your ability and likewise to enjoy this gift of life we've been given. Think of things you might enjoy and explore them. A little vacation. Try a new restaurant. A manicure. A movie. Push yourself a little out of your comfort zone ....it's a good thing. One more thing...I think it's possible that when our adult children see us respecting our health and enjoying life in spite of their antics...it might send them a message on some level that this is something that they should also aspire to do as well. (((Hugs))) Blessings.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

The tortured thinking is hard to lay down but I realize I have to get very deliberate and intentional with that. So I say to myself, "You are in a loop here and the thoughts are going round and round so it's time to do something to break the circuit". For me breaking the circuit is prayer, pottery making, gardening, and walking. Listening to music or sometimes looking at something funny online - anything that can make me feel good in that moment. Talking about things also helps me to process but it can also consume so much time and thinking that it dominates. So I will also say "No more talking about this for a while, it's taking up too much of my emotional time". I have had to look around me and see the relationships that have become neglected, prioritize them and do what I can to protect the relationships that are not dysfunctional. I have come to realize that happiness has to be found in small little moments, like stroking the cat or treating myself to something nice that is just for me. I agree that building up strength is important between crises, and this forum has helped me to understand the value of detachment and to try and make peace with it. Detachment also helps to give us a liferaft through the storms. I go back and reread the concepts and It affirms me when I feel doubts and I am torn. I have also come to see that I am in a grief process. So much grief! In that way I try to be kind to myself, know that I am grieving and that at some point I need to heal from the grieving with God's help.

I very much enjoy your thoughts on breaking the circuit, stop talking as it takes up too much of my emotional time. My family encourages the same thoughts but in my torture I can go on and on and on. Healing from grief is so difficult, I lost my little chihuahua of 11 years…has taken just over a year to come and be peaceful with her passing. At some point though we really do have to claim back our sanity, put grief on a shelf and leave it there. If I can pull myself out of the mental hell with my beloved Gizmo passing, I can do this too.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

My hubby just retired and it's become crystal clear right now that we have no choice but to put "the situation" aside and live each day to the fullest. Not only that, but I have two friends currently with stage four cancer and it is gut wrenching to observe what they are experiencing. Life is precious. I've said before, we MUST put this situation we are all dealing with on some sort of back burner, no matter how difficult it might be. This goes double once our "special" children reach 18 and there is no doubt at age 21 (if there was some before). We must employ boundaries and detach as much as possible. We are doing that and it's much better. We always try to be polite to her and respect her feelings as appropriate. But, we are not doormats and we respect ourselves and our right to enjoy life to the fullest. "IT" is always there somewhere in the back of our minds...but we push forward and love and enjoy life to the fullest. I also pray a lot and that too has been a balm. I see a therapist as needed...but don't go regularly...I go as needed for however long I feel I need the help/support. This stuff is hard...support is often needed. "Is there a true answer to getting our lives back to normal?" I think so. I know what we have done has been very helpful. I wish it were different, but wishing does nothing. We have done the best we can under extraordinarily difficult circumstances (as we all have here). And I think boundaries and detachment are the top two "helpers," as well as support from those who understand this situation as well as prayer. Remember, it's your God given right (and maybe obligation?) to do your best to keep yourself healthy to the best of your ability and likewise to enjoy this gift of life we've been given. Think of things you might enjoy and explore them. A little vacation. Try a new restaurant. A manicure. A movie. Push yourself a little out of your comfort zone ....it's a good thing. One more thing...I think it's possible that when our adult children see us respecting our health and enjoying life in spite of their antics...it might send them a message on some level that this is something that they should also aspire to do as well. (((Hugs))) Blessings.

I am so sorry about your friends Nomad. Have had a few family members who passed from cancer and it’s the very worst. Those of us who are relatively healthy should be so thankful for our life. I am 58 and thoughts of…what if you had a disease that was going to take your life soon….what would you do? The answer is so very clear, I would live in the moment and not waste a precious second left. I berate myself sooooooo why wait until that moment if it ever comes, live your life NOW!

I do pray for all our children that as we become stronger they see our turnabout. That they do receive that message of change as well.

 

[ksm]

Yesterday we went to spring craft and vendor market. I saw a lady at a table with books for sale. It turned out that she was an author and also worked in the school system with kids that struggled with their emotions. She had a book a book called The Road To Explode. It was about a young boy that would get mad and lose his temper. Overly simplified, it gave techniques to "take a detour" deep breaths, music, count to 10 or 20, forward and backward, use your words, ask for help

Basically, when I know I'm heading the wrong way, when upset or stressed, I need to find my own detour. I bought the book for great grandson who is 4. But, I am giving myself permission to take a detour! We all need a way to not keep heading down the road to explode...and turn things around. I need ways to keep from exploding, or imploding...as I bottle things up..

If I expect my 4yo to try this. I need to, too. Thought it might help others... Ksm

 

[ANewLife4Me]

Yesterday we went to spring craft and vendor market. I saw a lady at a table with books for sale. It turned out that she was an author and also worked in the school system with kids that struggled with their emotions. She had a book a book called The Road To Explode. It was about a young boy that would get mad and lose his temper. Overly simplified, it gave techniques to "take a detour" deep breaths, music, count to 10 or 20, forward and backward, use your words, ask for help

Basically, when I know I'm heading the wrong way, when upset or stressed, I need to find my own detour. I bought the book for great grandson who is 4. But, I am giving myself permission to take a detour! We all need a way to not keep heading down the road to explode...and turn things around. I need ways to keep from exploding, or imploding...as I bottle things up..

If I expect my 4yo to try this. I need to, too. Thought it might help others... Ksm

Excellent, a detour is definitely needed! I bottle things up as well, let it get even on my own nerves then explode with such rage that I cannot control it. The detour to get away from that road and go on another.

 

[Copabanana]

I wish it were different, but wishing does nothing. We have done the best we can under extraordinarily difficult circumstances (as we all have here). And I think boundaries and detachment are the top two "helpers," as well as support from those who understand this situation as well as prayer. Remember, it's your God given right (and maybe obligation?) to do your best to keep yourself healthy to the best of your ability and likewise to enjoy this gift of life we've been given.

Such a great summation, Nomad.

 

[Deni D]

I'm having some physical limitations right now myself, but I'm working on it.

For the outside in kind of things ~
I can walk a little so I do as much as I can. And just like Newstart says, walking barefoot outside in the grass, for me especially at night when all is quiet tends to center me. Also getting into the water. Water has a calming affect from the pressure of the water. You mentioned going to the YMCA, and wondering if they will let you keep your walker poolside. I'm sure they are not all the same but the Y by me leans towards helping all kinds of differently abled people with the pool program. I had fractured my ankle years ago and went to the Y after the boot was off and I had done PT because I wanted some kind of exercise I could do while it was still feeling weird (turned out it was still fractured, but that's another story). They were right on top of helping me with what I could/should do, how to modify, and told me what to stay away from for the time being. Maybe you should give them a call and see how yours' runs, I'm hoping similar to the way mine does. I really like Tai Chi also for grounding. From what you have mentioned with the balance issues you have Tai Chi could be difficult but if you can stand to do it and use a table on either side of you to help with balance when you need to stabilize yourself it might work. You would know if it's a good idea or not. You can get "for beginners" downloads and CDs from the internet.

For the inside out stuff ~
I read books, and do the exercises in them for identifying feelings, core beliefs, wrong thinking, assertiveness and such and then do the exercises in the books to work through that stuff. I probably should be seeing a therapist again but I don't feel like right now.
I also use hypnosis downloads to help put me in a calm state when my mind is too much on the hamster wheel for me to meditate. These I get from the internet, I use hypnosisdownloads.com from the company Uncommon Knowledge out of the UK. They have been around for a long time and are very good. There are a slew of topics to choose from, each has a brief description of what it covers. It's an individual thing for what you think might want to work on but on the fun side I'd recommend "Ride on a magic carpet" and "Ride under the ocean".

 

[ANewLife4Me]

I'm having some physical limitations right now myself, but I'm working on it.

For the outside in kind of things ~
I can walk a little so I do as much as I can. And just like Newstart says, walking barefoot outside in the grass, for me especially at night when all is quiet tends to center me. Also getting into the water. Water has a calming affect from the pressure of the water. You mentioned going to the YMCA, and wondering if they will let you keep your walker poolside. I'm sure they are not all the same but the Y by me leans towards helping all kinds of differently abled people with the pool program. I had fractured my ankle years ago and went to the Y after the boot was off and I had done PT because I wanted some kind of exercise I could do while it was still feeling weird (turned out it was still fractured, but that's another story). They were right on top of helping me with what I could/should do, how to modify, and told me what to stay away from for the time being. Maybe you should give them a call and see how yours' runs, I'm hoping similar to the way mine does. I really like Tai Chi also for grounding. From what you have mentioned with the balance issues you have Tai Chi could be difficult but if you can stand to do it and use a table on either side of you to help with balance when you need to stabilize yourself it might work. You would know if it's a good idea or not. You can get "for beginners" downloads and CDs from the internet.

For the inside out stuff ~
I read books, and do the exercises in them for identifying feelings, core beliefs, wrong thinking, assertiveness and such and then do the exercises in the books to work through that stuff. I probably should be seeing a therapist again but I don't feel like right now.
I also use hypnosis downloads to help put me in a calm state when my mind is too much on the hamster wheel for me to meditate. These I get from the internet, I use hypnosisdownloads.com from the company Uncommon Knowledge out of the UK. They have been around for a long time and are very good. There are a slew of topics to choose from, each has a brief description of what it covers. It's an individual thing for what you think might want to work on but on the fun side I'd recommend "Ride on a magic carpet" and "Ride under the ocean".

Thank you Deni, I have yet to make it to the Y as my dizziness has become worse, currently the doctor is treating me for a sinus infection…so fun. I am sorry you’re experiencing physical limitations but I do find we manage to work through it somehow. I popped my ankle really hard and it has not been right since, no money to go for a specialist, so I deal with that as well. The water I know will help all of my issues, including my fibromyalgia. Putting one’s feet into the grass is so comforting, mine is crunchy right now and full of fire ants. lol But, I love when I can walk outside barefoot. Will look into hypnosis downloads, may help to calm everything for me right now.

 

[SeekinghopeNZ]

I very much enjoy your thoughts on breaking the circuit, stop talking as it takes up too much of my emotional time. My family encourages the same thoughts but in my torture I can go on and on and on. Healing from grief is so difficult, I lost my little chihuahua of 11 years…has taken just over a year to come and be peaceful with her passing. At some point though we really do have to claim back our sanity, put grief on a shelf and leave it there. If I can pull myself out of the mental hell with my beloved Gizmo passing, I can do this too.

I feel your heartache, we lost our beautiful Bulldog, Dotti just before Christmas. Somehow we found our way through that and so many other times we have had the sorrow of losing a loved one.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

I feel your heartache, we lost our beautiful Bulldog, Dotti just before Christmas. Somehow we found our way through that and so many other times we have had the sorrow of losing a loved one.

I am so sorry for the loss of your Dotti, I imagine she and my Gizmo running around and having so much fun!
Same here, without God and my husband….would not make it in this world. I see from your signature tag you 2 are teenage sweethearts, how amazing! My husband and I have been married 32 years, love like ours is definitely for a lifetime.

 

[Copabanana]

our beautiful Bulldog, Dotti

I am so sorry.