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how to deal with other family members that enable
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<blockquote data-quote="jmama45" data-source="post: 112634" data-attributes="member: 4450"><p>I know you aren't trying Occupational Therapist (OT) make me mad LOL I am not mad at you guys, I am mad at them for doing this to my son and for keeping me out of the picture as if I am not a caring mom who is trying to do the right thing.</p><p></p><p>Maybe what I didn't explain well enough, is the fact that the girlfriend has been working with me and I have been helping her with the baby since birth. This is how I got to know anything about what my son has been up to. Yes he kept his distance from me, in his daily life so I wouldn't see the drug addiction, and he did a great job making like he was doing everything right... but I what I saw in the weeks since the baby was born, has opened my eyes to where he was heading... although the addiction was a surprise. He hid it well.</p><p></p><p>So because I am in close contact with the girlfriend and helping with the baby, this is the challenge, she tells me everything going on with my son, what he is saying to her, what his tone is etc., she tells me that the fathers wife called her and has this plan... so how do I detatch and help girlfriend and the baby too? She has no support with the baby and has turned to me since I am making myself available as a gm. I will not turn away from the baby. I can't and won't not be an involved gm. I have her everyweek and I am sure it will grow to more as she gets older. </p><p></p><p>If the baby wasn't in the picture, this would be a totally different story and I could detach so much better. But I can not cut girlfriend off or the baby. </p><p></p><p>yes my son has been out of here for 6 years, but not out of my life, just his calls and visits painted a different picture than his reality. Does that make sense? </p><p></p><p>His girlfriend is a total controling personality. Mother like to him. I am trying to get her to see he needs to be treated as an adult by her and if he is going to mess up, she cant stop him. I know her plan is to have him move back in with her asap. She wants his help with the baby, yet he has no track record of doing that yet. She doesn't work, yet complains about how hard it is to have the baby alone. So she is looking for him to be there. </p><p></p><p>I know I cannot control him, I dont want to either. I am just trying to find the plan that will give him the best chance to get his life in order. He was 17 when he started weed, and he is going to have to pick up from that age, that is where he is at in his head, 17. </p><p></p><p>Is there animosity between me, his father and his wife? YES! I cannot tell you how hard I have tried to work with them in the past, they will NOT do it. Its their way no matter what. The natural feeling when this happens is what I feel. Now I have to except the fact that they are who they are and have to find my way through it.</p><p></p><p>And do I approve of how they live? I dont care what goes on with them, Remember though, my difficult child and grandchild are effected by it, so yes it bothers me that they are around that chaos. I am human.</p><p></p><p>I am not saying my community, finances or lifestyle will fix him, I am saying that I believe he has a better chance with resources and a calm home, and people who can help point him in the right direction. I dont care where that is, but I do not know of anyone else in his life that can provide that to him.</p><p></p><p>I get it is all his choice, I get I cant control him. But between his girlfriend and them, control and enabling is all he will get. Trust me that I have learned this in the past. </p><p></p><p>I am a learner, I dig into what I need to learn. I have learned a lot here, and am putting it to action. They are making it up as they go along. My son is who will pay for that. It makes me very mad that they are setting him up to fail. Stay tuned... unless he makes a decision I haven't heard about, you'll see what I am saying made sense.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="jmama45, post: 112634, member: 4450"] I know you aren't trying Occupational Therapist (OT) make me mad LOL I am not mad at you guys, I am mad at them for doing this to my son and for keeping me out of the picture as if I am not a caring mom who is trying to do the right thing. Maybe what I didn't explain well enough, is the fact that the girlfriend has been working with me and I have been helping her with the baby since birth. This is how I got to know anything about what my son has been up to. Yes he kept his distance from me, in his daily life so I wouldn't see the drug addiction, and he did a great job making like he was doing everything right... but I what I saw in the weeks since the baby was born, has opened my eyes to where he was heading... although the addiction was a surprise. He hid it well. So because I am in close contact with the girlfriend and helping with the baby, this is the challenge, she tells me everything going on with my son, what he is saying to her, what his tone is etc., she tells me that the fathers wife called her and has this plan... so how do I detatch and help girlfriend and the baby too? She has no support with the baby and has turned to me since I am making myself available as a gm. I will not turn away from the baby. I can't and won't not be an involved gm. I have her everyweek and I am sure it will grow to more as she gets older. If the baby wasn't in the picture, this would be a totally different story and I could detach so much better. But I can not cut girlfriend off or the baby. yes my son has been out of here for 6 years, but not out of my life, just his calls and visits painted a different picture than his reality. Does that make sense? His girlfriend is a total controling personality. Mother like to him. I am trying to get her to see he needs to be treated as an adult by her and if he is going to mess up, she cant stop him. I know her plan is to have him move back in with her asap. She wants his help with the baby, yet he has no track record of doing that yet. She doesn't work, yet complains about how hard it is to have the baby alone. So she is looking for him to be there. I know I cannot control him, I dont want to either. I am just trying to find the plan that will give him the best chance to get his life in order. He was 17 when he started weed, and he is going to have to pick up from that age, that is where he is at in his head, 17. Is there animosity between me, his father and his wife? YES! I cannot tell you how hard I have tried to work with them in the past, they will NOT do it. Its their way no matter what. The natural feeling when this happens is what I feel. Now I have to except the fact that they are who they are and have to find my way through it. And do I approve of how they live? I dont care what goes on with them, Remember though, my difficult child and grandchild are effected by it, so yes it bothers me that they are around that chaos. I am human. I am not saying my community, finances or lifestyle will fix him, I am saying that I believe he has a better chance with resources and a calm home, and people who can help point him in the right direction. I dont care where that is, but I do not know of anyone else in his life that can provide that to him. I get it is all his choice, I get I cant control him. But between his girlfriend and them, control and enabling is all he will get. Trust me that I have learned this in the past. I am a learner, I dig into what I need to learn. I have learned a lot here, and am putting it to action. They are making it up as they go along. My son is who will pay for that. It makes me very mad that they are setting him up to fail. Stay tuned... unless he makes a decision I haven't heard about, you'll see what I am saying made sense. [/QUOTE]
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