how to prepare for evaluation? and vent

[lovingmum96]

yet another migraine on a Sunday, sigh. The medications seem to work in the week (despite my high stress job which is a picnic compared to home ) but yesterday, difficult child was almost in a physical fight was ds. Sigh.

found out that ex had told both kids that I want to medicate difficult child to "make her behave the way I want." Ds is asking me why I just don't send her to her dad. He's all mixed up and I felt all overwhelmed again at the idea of fighting ex, difficult child and now ds. At least now I'm aware of the poison being put into the kids' heads. Sad, heavy sigh.

husband and I met with a therapist to work out our plan. difficult child has an evaluation (the emergency one) next week. I'm really apprehensive. I know she will give me a big fight to even get into the building when she finds out and her dad will have a fit too. husband and I keep examining our motives and I just want my difficult child to be healthier and feel love. We always knew that ex was sharing all kinds of junk with kids but now I feel immeasurably sad knowing that they have a lot to overcome as they grow. How difficult it is for them to be suspicious of their mother's motives and unable to really trust.

ouch. I really pray God gives us the ability to hang on and give the kids a good cushion or whatever they need. No wonder difficult child has such bad symptoms now. Therapist knows difficult child and is sure there's Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) -- we think the behaviors are aligned with bipolar. But we'll have to see.

any suggestions for the evaluation.? I'm sure once I get difficult child in the car that things will get pretty ugly thought about bringing one of her friends but I don't want to cut off her only avenue of trust --

it's quiet today, so far. But that could change at any time.

 

[susiestar]

It really hoovers that your ex is filling their heads with this. What would difficult child do if you agreed? Told her that the medications are to help her so that she can feel love and can behave the way society wants, rather than always being angry and in trouble for her actions. My difficult child was floored when I did that. But if you think about it, you ARE wanting to medicate her so that she can behave more appropriately. NOT to stifle her feelings, but to help her manage them and to help her stop always fighting and being in trouble.

If ex says that parents who medicate their kids should be evaluated themselves, what would the kids think if you agreed to do it? You don't have to tell them all the results ny testing gives, or even tell them what a therapist says. But why not go and get an evaluation if it will help the kids understand that they need to see a therapist to help them handle their problems? You can even tell them that it is to help you deal with the stress in your life and to help you understand them better.

The results of you seeing a therapist would be confidential so ex cannot find out unless you tell the kids and they tell him. I would keep it to generalizations personally so that ex cannot put them in the middle. But it might be really helpful for you to see someone so you can deal with the gfgness of your daughter and ex.

Just a thought.

 

[lovingmum96]

difficult child's been having a much better week -- but I'm dreading Friday when we go for the evaluation. I feel sad having to describe some of her violent behaviors, irritability and mood swings .... always looking for the good days and I'm really thanking God I've seen a glimpse of her good self this week. I hope she doesn't shut down because of the evaluation. Ex has filled her head with all kind of reasons not to consider medications. Yes, I could certainly share with her (and have) that medications or any treatment would allow her to choose her emotions but it's very hard when you have someone on the other end blaming me essentially. If only difficult child could feel the love coming her way and my determination to help her despite some pretty tough challenges. Sometimes only prayer will help.

husband and I do go occasionally to a therapist and on her suggestion I tried medications for ADHD (having extreme trouble concentrating....but that could be because not a single day is predictable, just maybe ). DIdn't work -- I felt awful. I've also asked her bff's mom to talk to her about it as well (her husband is a pediatrician and she is an admin at my difficult child's school so she can share that "other children" are on medications and doing fine)

I don't really object to the idea of an evaluation., but I don't think it would necessarily help. It's certainly something to keep in mind and perhaps discuss. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

 

[susiestar]

I mostly said that about you being evaluated as a way to call ex's bluff and show the kids that you have their best interests at heart. I am sure the evaluation would show the results of the stress and would show that you are doing medications and evaluation etc.. because you love your daughter and only want what is best for her.

It is really hard for kids when one parent says awful stuff about the other, or interrogates them about what the other is doing. My bro does this to his daughter. Of course he says he is "gentle" about it and "only" wants to know if ex is drinking. I have a big bridge to sell too. It takes the innocence away from the child.

Sadly the parent that does this rarely takes responsibility for the damage to the child. Mostly because they are too selfish to see beyond themselves.

You need to be very gentle with yourself. Watch how you talk to yourself. It is super easy to internalize the negative stuff, esp if someone has been saying it to you for years. You know that you have your daughter's best interests at the heart of all you are doing. You want her to be able to feel loved, to trust, to be a happy person. When you find yourself questioning that, tell yourself that your friend Susie says that you are doing the right things for the right reasons. Sometimes we need to hear that someone else believes in us to begin to have faith in ourselves again. I find myself questioning my perceptions about things a lot, esp when my gfgbro has stirred things up in such an awful way. So I come here, post, and my friends tell me the truth. So I know how easy it is to doubt yourself. and how much it helps to know other people believe in you.

I believe in you.

As for the evaluation, why tell difficult child where you are going? Just have her get into the car. Maybe say you are going to get a coke and run an errand. get a coke and then go to the doctor for the evaluation. It IS an errand. When I knew Wiz would have a fit at going somewhere I did this. He fussed there, but not nearly as bad as if he had time to protest where we were going.

 

[Sheila]

Too bad your ex is creating additional problems....

I've found a useful tool for preparing for evaluations is a parent report. With the short time available, I'd do an abbreviated report.

http://web.archive.org/web/20060209...m/Athens/Oracle/1580/portrait_of_michael.html

It takes time to do a "full blown" report, but sure cuts down on time in other ways. One more than one occasion, I've faxed a copy of the report to difficult child's evaluator prior to our appointment. When filling out a new patient form, I have carried a copy and written "see attached" in all pertinent locations.

Hope it goes well.

 

[lovingmum96]

thank you, Susie and Sheila. I appreciate your kind words and support so much.

thank you for saying that you believe in me, because yes, I do doubt that, since somehow I think I should've been able to *do* something. I've been trying to get her some help for a while but I feel as though I let it slide because I could try harder and fix it myself. Apparently, with the onset of adolescence, it's worse.

Certainly I wouldn't mind being evaluated. Lol, at school (administrator) I'm known for not being easily rattled (!) while difficult child can get me to migraine in minutes. So the home stress is the thing. Tons of kids is a piece of cake, lol. Sigh. She's had a good week. I've told her lightly that I will pick her up tomorrow and she's asking to go with friends instead. I'll try to arrange for her to go after since that centers her. I really hope that she cooperates --

If only I could mentally detach myself from the situation, just for one day, I could see difficult child's behaviors as just that, instead of well, my failures. It's strange how we may be able to see that so clearly for/in others, but not for ourselves.

thanks again. Your kindness has lifted my heavy heart --