that we are going to surrender custody of difficult child to the children's aid society. we can not handle it anymore. he has been nothing but trouble since he got here when he was 2. we have done everything and anything we could to try to help him and he has not made any significant improvement. yes, his medications have helped to decrease the violent outbursts but not erase them or stop any of the other difficult behaviours. i am not going to allow the rest of my kids to grow up in a house that is haunted by him any longer. today he smashed up his room again. he attacked me, slapping and punching in front of my 3 yo. he went on to scratching up his face and then started to threaten suicide and ordering me to 'just kill me now so i don't have to do it.' the hospital here says they can't take him because they have no where to hold him and they can't put him in the adult psychiatric ward or in pediatrics. i know many of you have had the strength to continue this on until adulthood but i don't have it in me to keep going for another 12 years. i will die a stress related death before then, i think. and i can not have my kids exposed to this anymore. it has gone on to long and been pushed to far. i get glimpses of what life could be like if not for difficult child and that is how it should be. so the plan: i am going to write a detailed letter about why we want to surrender him and take that into the office monday morning after dropping him off at school. i am going to request that they not attempt to place him with family because i do not want to burden any of them with his problems, they are not his bio family and i do not want him to put their kids at risk. i am going to suggest that he be put in a home with no other kids and two adults able to moniter him 24/7 and a warning that they should lock up all valuables and breakables as well as any knifes/scissors/dangerous things as we have to do that here. after dropping off the note i will have to stay and talk to a worker, i will do that then come home pack up his stuff and ask them to pick him up and take him from school directly to care. i know, it might seem heartless. i can't do it anymore. i am at the point where i have detached from him along the line somewhere and i can't stand him anymore. husband has long past done the same. i don't think we have ever really bonded with him properly, he hasn't let us. he hasn't stopped screaming and demanding and yelling and hitting, ect the whole time he's been here and i am tired of hoping for improvement that isn't happening and waiting for services that aren't helping us. plus he keeps saying i did things to him which i didn't do, so in my mind it's only a matter of time before they take him anyways. he accused me of knocking out his loose tooth and chocking him on it when he was showing me how lose it was and it fell out(from him wabbling it) and he swallowed it. that is just one example. anyways. i don't know what i am looking for here. advice maybe, anyone actually gone through with this before? i don't even know if it is going to work and i don't know what i will do if it doesn't. i'd love for bio mom to suddenly stop being a difficult child and come get him. ugh.