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husband lied to me
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 408387" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Jena, your description of exwife is interesting and enlightening. You clearly do see that they won't get back together, ye you ask - why does she keep interfering in his life and apparently sabotaging it?</p><p></p><p>I think you hit it right on the head - she is controlling and manipulative. These are not necessarily bad qualities if the person can keep them under control, but she is not. In her mind, his happiness must always be under her control. Because they were once married, because he was once hers, she considers he still is. His life (which includes you) belongs to her still, in her mind. She sees herself as the puppetmaster. No happiness in his life is permissible, unless it is through her. For her, you have always been that random factor she cannot control, and the only way she CAN try to control you is through the kids and the in-laws.</p><p></p><p>What hold does she have over them (your in-laws)? Their past relationship, while undoubtedly toxic, would have been on of her controlling, and them appeasing. She gets upset - they placate her, tell her/give her what she wants. She wants them to be hostile to you? OK, they do it, because the price is access to the kids (for grandparents).</p><p></p><p>I've mentioned my stalker neighbour - he is like this, very controlling and wants to be seen in our community as the man to come to when you want action taken politically, or you want advice in anything (especially legal advice). But people are discovering (it's not just a personal thing between him and me - he does it to a lot of people) that once you let him into your life, you have a great deal of trouble getting him out. In my case, after I publicly severed my friendship with him, he continued to harass my friends and pump them for information about me. My friends told me of these interactions and I was careful to only tell those friends things I was OK for the stalker to hear. Sometimes i deliberately slipped false (and unlikely) information, so I could track how fast and from what direction the gossip was worst. I remember I won an award, in a new field. It was quite a big deal, an important award. When stalker neighbour found out, he knew his usual approach (that if being able to claim that he was my advisor in this field, so my success was only due to him) would not work, since I had moved into this professional area after my split with the guy. So his response was, "It's nice that she's got this new hobby to keep herself occupied." He had to downplay it, so his lack of involvement in my success was because it was too trivial to care about.</p><p></p><p>I tell you this not because I was angry with him, but because it gave me a great deal more insight into that kind of personality. husband's ex sounds very similar - she has to be the puppeteer, the one who knows all, sees all and fixes all. And the people who have to endure someone like this learn (conditioned response, reinforced over years) that the easiest way to survive is to give them what they want. To a certain extent, you ahve already found tat this woman WILL use the kids as a weapon. husband sounds like he is trying to keep her happy, in order to minimise problems she can cause, in his relationships with his kids. When you get upset about this (no matter how justified you are) it makes him the meat in the sandwich.</p><p></p><p>She is clearly inappropriate. SHE. Not him, other than what she has trained him to do, like a performing seal. He's a bloke - they are less complex in tis sort of relationship, as a rule. Not always, but mostly.</p><p></p><p>Long phone calls - I've been there done that with certain people I know (including colleague with schizoaffective disorder plus plus). Hanging up on such a person is NOT a good idea - I learned to find other ways to cope. I often had to invent someone at the door, or a sudden crisis with the kids (don't do THAT one with exwife - she will use it asa weapon!). Your husband is going to have to continue to deal with these texts and phone calls. Chances are, if he fails to respond fast enough to a text message, he will get five more in quick succession, or even a phone call at an awkward moment (such as during CPS interview). Texting back a brief message promptly sounds like his way of trying to head her off at the pass.</p><p></p><p>Please do not try to control him. You are also going to have to accept that much of this crud cannot be stopped. He can't stop it otherwise he would have done so years ago. Instead, sympathise with him, support him. If he's on the phone to her for an hour, go make him a cup of coffee to sustain him. Nourish him. He will love you the more for it, and the more he appreciates what you are trying to do, the more this contrasts against what SHE is trying to do, and he will see this.</p><p></p><p>Let him talk. Do not comment or get judgmental. You could say, "She's trying to control you again when she says X or does Y. You do see that, don't you?" but unless he asks, do not tell him what to say or what to do. Recognise she is a skilful interrogator of not only him, but your in-laws and the kids. Anything you do not want her to know, you have our work cut out for you, frankly. For example, if I had wanted to keep my breast cancer diagnosis secret and I were in your shoes, I would not be able to let my in-laws know and not the kids. I would also have to constantly downplay the diagnosis with husband but at the same time keep making it clear, I feel too upset about this, too ashamed, for anyone to know. There mere thought that anyone else in the world could know, would be unbearable. And even with this - he probably still would tell her, or let something slip unintentionally, because she has people so thoroughly trained.</p><p></p><p>So I'm sorry, Jena, but your life will continue to be an open book with this woman. The best way you can handle tis is to keep recruiting husband for your team. Keep repeating the recruitment. Not in a controlling way, but in a "Come into my arms and I will comfort you" kind of way. You have one massive weapon in your armoury she does not - you love him AND you bat for his team!</p><p></p><p>With my schizoaffective caller - it got to the point where husband fielded all phone calls. Mobile phones make this difficult, but you can always help him stay engaged in your life, keeping you in his eye, by staying in his sights (and engaging him) even during a phone call. How you react is under your control. Make light of it, even laugh about it with him. "She asked you WHAT? Doesn't she have a life? She left you, but she still wants you in her pocket. How does her wife feel about this? Gee, I hope her wife doesn't start calling or texting me like this, it could get complicated. Bob and Carol and Freda and Alice... I'n not sure our bed is big enough. I'm not sure if my stomach is strong enough!"</p><p></p><p>Humour is a great de-fuser and recruiter. Whatever she does, whatever her tactic is - you do the opposite. Do NOT do what she does, in any way. He is too browbeaten by it already.</p><p></p><p>I'm not saying what is happening here is right. It is not. But it is what is. You can't make it go away. But you CAN make it work to your advantage.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 408387, member: 1991"] Jena, your description of exwife is interesting and enlightening. You clearly do see that they won't get back together, ye you ask - why does she keep interfering in his life and apparently sabotaging it? I think you hit it right on the head - she is controlling and manipulative. These are not necessarily bad qualities if the person can keep them under control, but she is not. In her mind, his happiness must always be under her control. Because they were once married, because he was once hers, she considers he still is. His life (which includes you) belongs to her still, in her mind. She sees herself as the puppetmaster. No happiness in his life is permissible, unless it is through her. For her, you have always been that random factor she cannot control, and the only way she CAN try to control you is through the kids and the in-laws. What hold does she have over them (your in-laws)? Their past relationship, while undoubtedly toxic, would have been on of her controlling, and them appeasing. She gets upset - they placate her, tell her/give her what she wants. She wants them to be hostile to you? OK, they do it, because the price is access to the kids (for grandparents). I've mentioned my stalker neighbour - he is like this, very controlling and wants to be seen in our community as the man to come to when you want action taken politically, or you want advice in anything (especially legal advice). But people are discovering (it's not just a personal thing between him and me - he does it to a lot of people) that once you let him into your life, you have a great deal of trouble getting him out. In my case, after I publicly severed my friendship with him, he continued to harass my friends and pump them for information about me. My friends told me of these interactions and I was careful to only tell those friends things I was OK for the stalker to hear. Sometimes i deliberately slipped false (and unlikely) information, so I could track how fast and from what direction the gossip was worst. I remember I won an award, in a new field. It was quite a big deal, an important award. When stalker neighbour found out, he knew his usual approach (that if being able to claim that he was my advisor in this field, so my success was only due to him) would not work, since I had moved into this professional area after my split with the guy. So his response was, "It's nice that she's got this new hobby to keep herself occupied." He had to downplay it, so his lack of involvement in my success was because it was too trivial to care about. I tell you this not because I was angry with him, but because it gave me a great deal more insight into that kind of personality. husband's ex sounds very similar - she has to be the puppeteer, the one who knows all, sees all and fixes all. And the people who have to endure someone like this learn (conditioned response, reinforced over years) that the easiest way to survive is to give them what they want. To a certain extent, you ahve already found tat this woman WILL use the kids as a weapon. husband sounds like he is trying to keep her happy, in order to minimise problems she can cause, in his relationships with his kids. When you get upset about this (no matter how justified you are) it makes him the meat in the sandwich. She is clearly inappropriate. SHE. Not him, other than what she has trained him to do, like a performing seal. He's a bloke - they are less complex in tis sort of relationship, as a rule. Not always, but mostly. Long phone calls - I've been there done that with certain people I know (including colleague with schizoaffective disorder plus plus). Hanging up on such a person is NOT a good idea - I learned to find other ways to cope. I often had to invent someone at the door, or a sudden crisis with the kids (don't do THAT one with exwife - she will use it asa weapon!). Your husband is going to have to continue to deal with these texts and phone calls. Chances are, if he fails to respond fast enough to a text message, he will get five more in quick succession, or even a phone call at an awkward moment (such as during CPS interview). Texting back a brief message promptly sounds like his way of trying to head her off at the pass. Please do not try to control him. You are also going to have to accept that much of this crud cannot be stopped. He can't stop it otherwise he would have done so years ago. Instead, sympathise with him, support him. If he's on the phone to her for an hour, go make him a cup of coffee to sustain him. Nourish him. He will love you the more for it, and the more he appreciates what you are trying to do, the more this contrasts against what SHE is trying to do, and he will see this. Let him talk. Do not comment or get judgmental. You could say, "She's trying to control you again when she says X or does Y. You do see that, don't you?" but unless he asks, do not tell him what to say or what to do. Recognise she is a skilful interrogator of not only him, but your in-laws and the kids. Anything you do not want her to know, you have our work cut out for you, frankly. For example, if I had wanted to keep my breast cancer diagnosis secret and I were in your shoes, I would not be able to let my in-laws know and not the kids. I would also have to constantly downplay the diagnosis with husband but at the same time keep making it clear, I feel too upset about this, too ashamed, for anyone to know. There mere thought that anyone else in the world could know, would be unbearable. And even with this - he probably still would tell her, or let something slip unintentionally, because she has people so thoroughly trained. So I'm sorry, Jena, but your life will continue to be an open book with this woman. The best way you can handle tis is to keep recruiting husband for your team. Keep repeating the recruitment. Not in a controlling way, but in a "Come into my arms and I will comfort you" kind of way. You have one massive weapon in your armoury she does not - you love him AND you bat for his team! With my schizoaffective caller - it got to the point where husband fielded all phone calls. Mobile phones make this difficult, but you can always help him stay engaged in your life, keeping you in his eye, by staying in his sights (and engaging him) even during a phone call. How you react is under your control. Make light of it, even laugh about it with him. "She asked you WHAT? Doesn't she have a life? She left you, but she still wants you in her pocket. How does her wife feel about this? Gee, I hope her wife doesn't start calling or texting me like this, it could get complicated. Bob and Carol and Freda and Alice... I'n not sure our bed is big enough. I'm not sure if my stomach is strong enough!" Humour is a great de-fuser and recruiter. Whatever she does, whatever her tactic is - you do the opposite. Do NOT do what she does, in any way. He is too browbeaten by it already. I'm not saying what is happening here is right. It is not. But it is what is. You can't make it go away. But you CAN make it work to your advantage. Marg [/QUOTE]
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