I am at a loss with my soon to be 3 year old....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by kdeter1121, Mar 14, 2012.

  1. kdeter1121

    kdeter1121 New Member

    Hi everyone, I am new to this I just registered today! Here is my issue. I have a little boy that will be 3 in September. I know there is what they call "terrible twos" I have 2 older daughters that I never had any problems with that are from previous relationship. My son has a very bad defiant personality. I have come to a loss with him and I am starting to worry. I love him dearly he is my baby boy but his behavior is tearing us apart and I dont know what to do. Some of the things he says consist of, im ganna punch you in the face, your not the boss of connor, you dont talk to connor like that, you dont tell me what to do and so on. He refers himself to the third person with almost everything he says. He does things that he knows he shouldnt do, he hits his sisters and has hit me a few times. He throws things when he gets mad, he refuses to eat half of his meals and throws his plates or bowls or cups across the room. When he gets mad he punches or bangs on things. He is disrespectful to me, tells me to shut up all the time, he yells in my face. For example he asks for cookies and I tell him no not right now he yells at me "I want cookies". I think at 2 1/2 year old should know the difference between yes and no also from right and wrong, right??? For example he will have his sisters toy in his hand and I say is that yours connor and he says yes when clearly he knows its not his toy. He takes crayons or pens and draws on every wall in the house even after he gets disciplined for it he will do it over and over again. If he is disciplined for any behavior he doesn't care he will continue to do it over and over again. He spits at his sisters and I. My husband (his father) and I have tried EVERYTHING for discipline, we have tried time out, putting him in the corner, spanking, taking away his toys when he throws something, sending him to his room. we have tried everything and I am at my whits end I dont know where to go from here and it is tearing me away from him. I dont have the energy to deal with it everyday. I have talked to his pediatrician and they said its terrible twos, ok come on is terrible twos really this bad??? ALSO, my husband had a rough child hood growing up and had symptoms of ODD but was never diagnosed and he had ADHD and was diagnosed with that. His mother has Bi-Polar disorder as well and I know some of this can be genetic but would issues such as those be coming out in a 2 1/2 year old? Please somebody help me, I am worried about my relationship with my son and I just want my loving baby boy back. Any advice please give, I am up to hearing anything any kind of advice or experience or anything, please!
  2. Confused

    Confused Guest

    Welcome kdeter1121, you will find a lot of help here. Are sons are twins! Yes I my son threatens and hist me all the time. He leaves bruises on me and his sister ,spits, destroys his toys our stuff, still draws on walls, he bites himself as well. He turns down or off the cold knob for the refrigerator knowing it will ruin the food. His his way or the highway! He does not act like this at school, minor trouble like not listening and not completing his work. He just turned 6 which I need to switch to the older kids one, water cooler I think? He does have speech issues as well, born 4 weeks early. He got up 4 times a night as a baby and at 11/2 or so.. he started his behavior with it getting worse. It calmed down, but back up. They told me its was terrible twos , he is all boy, I need to let him grow and its my fault. Yes, boys are more active than girls, all kids are different. But we moms know, our child is beyond little different!

    I have spanked my son, and this only makes him more violent. You will hear to get the Books "The Explosive Child" and another. As far as discipline, you can take everything away and make him "earn his toys back" , I tried that once and my son went back to his usual self. So the book has 3 plans to follow, it in one says to include him on choices etc. I was told here from others charts and routine as much as possible, choices, testing if you can and many other ideas! Yes, genetics can play a role! Its hard, no one believes me except this forum and my close friends and family-because no severe trouble at school. But he acts this way with his Aunt, in stores, my dad, starting his dad and one of my friends. Keep documents, record him if you can, you can keep to review and eventually show the Dr.s if needed. Hugs and good luck.
  3. kdeter1121

    kdeter1121 New Member

    I was just reading your 24 hour surveillance post! My son too started this about 1 1/2 years of age. I am afraid it is going to get worse and I just am getting to the point where I cant deal with it any longer. I dont know what to do about it. What have you done? How do you discipline him? I am afraid of losing my relationship with him because im to the point where its hard being around him because I feel I discipline him every 5 mins, I know they say repitition with discipline but come on he does things every 5 mins that require discipline, is this any way a child should live? Is this normal for a 2 1/2 year old????? I have broken down so many times in the shower crying because I just dont know what to do. My husband is on board with everything we just want to figure out if it is something wrong with him or if he is just going to be strong willed and stubborn his whole life. I am running out of patience and ideas fast. Are these books good books that are being said about on here? Have you read them yourself? It is nice to see though that I am not the only one at a loss with my child. I am glad that I have now finally found people to talk to about this and get a different opinion on it. Thank you so much for the quick replay :))
  4. Confused

    Confused Guest

    Every 5 minutes, yup I have many days like that! He quits doing one thing like jumping off a couch, to throwing a hard soccer ball in the house or a toy, at the fish tank or gerbil cages, then he takes everything out of his room and spreads it all over the house floor and refuses to pick it up, and so on! When we do pick it up, he hits us! I have mentioned this to his pediatrician Dr and the night clinic that they have at night so many times and they say its lack of discipline, or hes all boy! Well after years of complaining and 3 hour tantrums, I finally got one of his main Dr's Associates to write a referral to a psychologist or whatever he was. We went, first day he said" I believe he has anxiety with ODD, we need more visits and he saw his bite marks on his arms. Yay, help! 2nd visit, he said the same thing, and maybe medications as well as he sees my son in prison! Ok, third visit we left him in the room with my son and a play therapist or similar and he passed all his skills and was acting perfect. So he came out and told me" Your son is smart, let him grow and socialize him'! Umm, let him grow? I did and do, he makes many choices for himself, was in sports,day care,full class, (pre-k) parties, friends houses, played in the yard, went to school functions, Mc Donalds etc! I cried and wanted to show him the violent episode on camcorder, he refused and said Im the one that need help! He refused to listen to my daughter when she tried to tell him what my son does to her! So, Im still looking for help while his anger continues! Yes, I had both books and read the Explosive Child. I had the other book, but have no idea what happened to it, I need to get another one, they didn't have the copy when I went. Well, at least we couldn't find it.Sticking to a plan does help a little and it will take a while, but I feel I still need more help.

    I believe I responded to your other post, ( oops it was this one, im sorry im not awake ,this is your only post-sorry)but I do take privileges away and he has to gain them back. I cry a lot too and no, I dont think a child should be living the ways any of these kids are living! Terrible twos can contribute or be the reason. In my case, my son is still doing this. I feel so bad for all these kids! This is the best site I have ever been on, very supportive and understanding. I keep blaming myself as the doctors say, and left a couple times from here. But I came back, this is like home to me here. I also try routine, it helps but sometimes, it can go bad if it changes.
  5. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Hi, your post snuck by me. Just wanted to say welcome and I have been doing this several years longer and can absolutely validate that it is scary that your relationship can suffer because it is hard not to be angry and upset all the time even when you know they are suffering.

    What kinds of evaluations have you had done? have you had a neuropsychology evaluation done? That could be a good place to start. Also an Occupational Therapist (OT) and Speech Language Pathologist (SLP) evaluation just to make sure you are checking all possible, hard to see on the outside, subtle issues.

    Glad you are here....you are in good company!
  6. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Hello and welcome.
    I have to say I find it surprising that the "experts" say that a child like yours (or mine, or whoever's) is just going through the terrible twos or is all boy, etc, when it is obvious to me, as a complete layperson with limited experience, that this kind of behaviour is not within the range of what one would expect and that there are alarm signals going off. Of course it is very hard working with such a young child but the earlier he is identified as having likely issues, the better I would have thought.
    Changing these children's behaviour through discipline and the normal strategies just doesn't seem to work and that is what is so frustrating about it. Of course you keep trying... but will probably keep failing. Personally I'm great on the theory and less hot on the practice :) But I do think there are ways to get these oppositional children to co-operate more and come more within the bounds of normality. Read and read about ODD, for the moment, would be my advice. The techniques you're using don't work. You have to find other ones.
    And yes... we have all been there and done that. So we know how you feel! Don't give up, there is hope along the path.