I am just SO MAD at him...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Chaosuncontained, Oct 11, 2011.

  1. Chaosuncontained

    Chaosuncontained New Member

    Sigh. I am so angry right now. I usually am able to keep my cool when dealing with him. Tonight is not one of those times.

    Carson has been in OCS (on campus suspension) for 4 days. He hasn't done ANY work while in there. Today he brought home a Social Studies test to do at home (they hardly EVER let him bring a test home)...it is open book.

    Like a FOOL I let Carson have some computer time as soon as we got home. I usually do that for 30 minutes to allow him to decompress and to relax before we start back in on school work. He has a snack then too.

    Then I told him to come to the table for homework. He whined. He begged. He came by the table, saw what it was and said "I can't do that". I reminded him that I would sit right beside him the whole time. That it was easy, he got to use the book!

    He stood by the chair and gave me the evil eye. "Sit down right here. We can get this done in no time". "NO!" "Come on Carson, it won't take very long at all. Sit by me." He said "I dont WANT TO" "But you have to do it Carson, lets just get started and it will take no time". "NOOOOO!!!!!!" "SIT down Carson. In this chair. Now." "Noooooo!!! You can't make me." More evil I-dare-you eyes.

    I told him to go to his room right now. NOW!

    He runs screaming from the room that I hate him. That I am the meanest person in the world. That he wants to live with his Dad. That he never wants to live with me again.

    I yelled back at him that I would be in there in 15 minutes to help him pack.

    I am tired. And if I thought his Father REALLY cared about him, that he could pull his head out of his child brides ass--I would pack his stuff. But then I am reminded that "Daddy" gave me full custody of Carson...while keeping joint custody of our other 2 minor kids. Because he and his new wife can't "handle" Carson. And yet, *I* am the bad guy.

    I feel so guilty for being mad at him. How much is his....well, out of his control? And how much is it that he is just a 9 year old BRAT! I have a hard time knowing when to really disicpline him and when to cut him some slack. I also have a hard time knowing how many glasses of wine I need to function on a daily basis (just kidding...sorta).
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    From "the book"... Kids do well when they can. NOT "when they want to".

    Its time to problem solve - plan A and plan C are not the answer.

    WHY is this exam a problem?

    (you have read the book, right? )
  3. Chaosuncontained

    Chaosuncontained New Member

    OMG. There's a book??? LOL
  4. keista

    keista New Member

    ((((hugs)))) :wine: I'll join ya for some of that wine.

    It's perfectly normal to get frustrated and loose your temper. I wish I could tell you where to find Carson's instruction manual. I wish I had the answers. I do know when they refuse to do work like that, they don't have much control over it. *Something* is going on.

    The first strategy I use is to break it down. Forget the whole test. Just do one question and take a break. Next time maybe do two questions and take a break. And I make the breaks longer than the work time. 5 minutes on, 10 minutes off. If he's capable of being negotiated into that kind of arrangement, then you know for a fact that he does want to get the work done. Getting at least some work done helps build confidence and self esteem. Then you work from there trying to figure out what REALLY bothers him about any particular assignment. The answer could be as simple as "It's just too overwhelming"
  5. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I had a VERY similar "argument" with difficult child 1 today over homework only in my case, it was because difficult child 1 didn't think he had to do his own writing. For some reason he thought I should write for him (and not spend any time helping difficult child 2 with his school work). It progressed very rapidly to the same point you reached only there is no "dad". He wanted human services to put him anywhere but here.

    I have cried my eyes out so much today that my right upper eyelid is VERY puffy. I haven't cried that hard since my grandmother died 6 years ago and before that it was 13 years ago my dad died. Today was one of those days when no matter what I did or said, it was wrong.

    I am STILL a very firm believer in the full moon theory. If today isn't the "official" full moon, it's darn close.

  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    What would happen if Carson suffered the natural consequences of not doing the work? (I'm guessing the school has some right?)

    Perhaps instead of the homework face off, it's time to let him face some of the consequences of his choices.

    Due to homework "wars", I finally decided enough was enough, and let Travis deal with the school and the school deal with him. I had enough dealing with him at home and the issues there. If he flunked, he flunked. Oddly enough, he didn't flunk. Actually he did no worse when I bowed out than with me trying to force him. This doesn't mean I wouldn't help if he asked. I just didn't engage when he refused. If teachers complained (and trust me they did), I told them to handle it.

    Travis was about 10 when I stopped. Home life actually became much less stressful just removing the school junk. Sometimes you have to pick your battles. And sometimes just letting nature take it's course is a better way to handle it. He still faces consequences, but at least on this issue you're not the "bad guy".

  7. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    This is a futile point - because you are in a system which does give elementary school children homework - but I hate the whole homework for small children thing. I might not have been as outspoken about it as your son, but I would have probably refused to do homework night after night (in the UK, in my time, kids at primary school never had homework - and I ended up going to university and graduating magna *** laude, so there you go :)) Evenings should be for play, relaxation, family time. Okay, so that's not the system you've got so... any way you can join in with Carson, saying "Yeah, I know this is a bore having homework, Carson, but let's get it done quickly and then we can do (something nice) together. What do you say?" Any chance that tackling the issue in a less serious, grim manner could also change his attitude? I am AMAZED at how making things "light" with my son makes him accept them. Just one random example - brushing teeth, which he hates. If I say, in a serious, grim tone of voice, "J come here, time to brush your teeth!" he will more than likely run away screaming. If I say in a jolly, warm tone of voice, "Okay J, toothy toothy time!", he will smile and come, more likely than not.
    And I understand that jolly and warm is hard to do after a difficult day and with a child that is not easy. But you really have to defuse this homework tension by trying to see it from his point of view.
  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm one who says it isn't worth the battle when it comes to homework. My difficult child's iep even has it written in that hw can be sent but is not expected to be done. difficult child used to get violent over hw and it just wasn't worth it. I'm a teacher who does give a fair amount of hw (actually it's all work we started in class that they have to finish, some, who use their time wisely, have next to nothing) but when I have a difficult child in my class, if expectations need to change, I readily adjust.

    by the way, I totally get the losing your temper-it happens-be gentle with yourself. (((hugs)))
  9. remclick

    remclick Guest

    I understand your frustration because I have lived this everyday since Kindergarten too and my difficult child has just entered middle school. I would like to let go of HW and let the school deal with it. That idea sounds so appealing, BUT ... I am afraid that he will then get angry with a teacher who approaches him about this problem in the wrong way and then we have a school behavior problem on top of bad grades and no HW done. Right now I deal with the bad behavior, banging of walls and chairs, scratching Xs into the walls, etc. but his school behavior is ok. It's just a fear of mine.


    OMG...I can so relate to your post...this could easily be my difficult child. He is in fifth grade and this battle has been going on from just about day one. He does not know his multiplication tables and yet he keeps coming home with 100s on Math tests. I'm to the point where I feel like the school is going to have to answer to why they keep promoting him to higher grades when he doesn't seem to know the basics. As far as homework, I have come to the same place as Lisa. I have enough to handle at home. The school has to do their part. I actually have a call in right now to a parent info line at Exceptional Children in NC because I want help dealing with the school. I really feel for you...you're not alone by any means...hugs...
  11. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Jett is in a "tutoring" class which is basically study hall with sped. He is expected to make every attempt to do homework in that setting; but if he cannot finish it, he is to bring it home.

    Homework is #1 on his chore list, Monday-Friday. He is also expected to attempt to do it by himself; husband and I are available, but we noticed when we sit with him, he gets frustrated and CAN'T DO IT. So if he asks a question, we go over and take a look. The biggest problem? He "forgets" his chores (including HW) because he wants to play video games/watch TV. He lost them last weekend, not for "forgetting", but for lying about them.

    We gave up on Onyxx and homework a couple years ago. She "never" had any, and the school didn't seem to have any consequences, so why should we?!
  12. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Pre-moon syndrome (the new PMS)

    When homework is a battle (most of the time) I dont do it either. fact is, mine is not going to meet standards, he does alternative state tests now too.
    We struggle to even read 5 minutes per night. That is one hour of nonsense and it is enough. It's not that he doesn't care about grades he doesn't get it. He thinks people go to college just like they go from mid school to high school. He wont go to college and will go to transition and then probably have a job coach for life, I dont tell him THAT but I do tell him that we all need lots of plans for choices. I've explained about how college is a choice and you have to ask to go and then pay to go, etc... and he said he "knew that" (defense) and then said it doesn't matter because he is just gonna do a scholarship (He had no clue what that was when I asked, I suspect someone was telling him he needed good grades to get a scholarship). We have in his IEP that he is graded on his IEP goals, he can't fail if he shows and does his level of attending, trying etc. He doesn't get A's or anything but he wont fail because he loves to go and try. It was hard to accept that this was going to be the plan. We do push him to reach his potential, dont get me wrong...and he is reading at a 6th grade level which is better than lots of non difficult child adults so...we will just keep trying and keep the home anxiety and battles down with no homework.

    TeDo, I'm so sorry it was such a sad day. The only time I have seen my difficult child actually genuinely hug me and talk nice (without trying to get out of a neg. consequence or asking for something he wants) is when I really fell apart and went to my room to cry. Usually he is not around when that happens, but he has seen it a few times and actually it ended up reassuring me that he does care deep down. Crying can be a good thing for many reasons. But I wish the stressful issues didn't have to go that far.
  13. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I understand. been there done that. I also struggled with the "how much is brat and how much can't she help" question. I still don't have an answer.

    I offered to help Miss KT pack more times than I can count...AND I flat refused to help her with anything resembling homework unless she "asked like a civilized person." She was in second grade when I pulled the plug on the help. Hopefully the school has consequences for those who choose not to do their homework, and Carson won't like the consequences enough to do the work. Miss KT was a freshman in high school before her consequences caught up with her - she failed second semester biology. Since she had a full schedule due to marching band, she had to take zero period PE. Scampering around a football field in the fog and cold at 630 in the morning was a real awakening for her.
  14. Chaosuncontained

    Chaosuncontained New Member

    I really wish I could "just say no" to homework. We don't have an IEP (yet). If he doesn't finish work in class, they make him stay in at recess to try and finish. His and my favorite teacher sits with him to get his work done. He gets to bring some of it home to finish--but not all. He gets ZEROs for work not completed. The first 3 weeks of school he was failing all classes (except PE and Reading).

    He needs constant motivation, redirecting and reminding to do the work. I have to sit beside him and coach him through the whole ordeal. "Ok, do number one first, don't worry about the others right now. Good! You did it. Now lets go to the next one. Read it again. Read it out loud if you need to". And when it comes to writing things down--like essays-- which he has two per week to do... I basically have to pull info out of him. And then help him put his ideas into some sort of order. He can NOT (or will not?) put ideas--his own--onto paper. If I told him WHAT to write he could do it...If I fed him a few words at a time.

    Carson was in OCS for three days for putting his hands around a childs neck in anger and "choking and mauling" the kid. After his three days were up Carson told me he has another day--for not doing any work in OCS those three days--UGH! On the last day he told the OCS "babysitter" to "SHUT UP"...bet they try to put him in OCS for ANOTHER day.

    I just get so darn frustrated.

    He didn't want to do the work because he had to get off the computer to do the homework.

    I think he needs a one on one aide. Someone to be a "cheerleader" to get the work done. To remind him what he is supposed to be doing. Someone to redirct and motivate him. A "jimminy cricket" of some sort--to difuse any situation from becoming an angy, pencil breaking, book throwing fit. I gave him a "squeeze toy" to take to class and squeeze when he was angry--but he lost that privledge when he threw it across the room. I think he needs a laptop to do any "writing" work on. I think his work should be cut in half. Even tests. So that everything doesn't look so daunting and cause him to be over whelmed. I offered to be his "aide" and the school said no. I just wish the IEP testing would hurry up (LOL) and get done and we would have some plan in place. Right now they still have until 11/10/11 to get the testing done. And then 30 more days to get a meeting done. I am just impatient. And I am sure that the things that I *think* he needs will not happen. Sigh.

    Tonight is Wednesday--usually there is no homwork on Wednesday nights (to allow families to go to church here in the Bible Belt of Texas). But sometimes he has left over work to do. Maybe I should go put a bottle of wine on the freezer to get good and cold--for me, not Carson LOL
  15. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    They keep him in at RECESS?! No WONDER he doesn't want to do homework at home and has meltdowns. I don't care if it's his favorite teacher. We had to specifically tell the school NOT to do this to Jett - because then he wiggled and squirmed and disrupted.
  16. Chaosuncontained

    Chaosuncontained New Member

    Yeah. One thing though, his recess is the VERY last thing of the day. And he isn't the only kid who sometimes has to skip recess to get work done. But I also wish he could have recess time to, well...have recess. Free play with peers. I think he really needs this. To blow off steam before coming home. And a chance to have FUN, runnng and playing.
  17. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    If his school day ends that way... can you plan his first stretch at home to be a physical steam-burner activity? Might increase the chances of a bit of concentration later...
  18. Chaosuncontained

    Chaosuncontained New Member

    We are about to finish snack and go shoot some basketball hoops. But he has no interest in basketball LOL. by the way, he did go to recess today!! A girl in his class came up to me and said "Carson did REALLY good in Ms. P's class today!" and another girl said "You're gonna be so surprised! Carson got to go to the playground today!" So funny that the girls in his grade seem to "know" about Carson and his difficulties--and celebrate his good days too!

    He only has FOUR math problems to do today. And he actually wrote a few sentences with similies and using illiteration!! WooHoo! I'll take it!
  19. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Isn't it nice when there are some good days thrown in there?
  20. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Way to go Carson....so sweet when the kids praise our difficult child's How cool is that!