insanity............ I am so broken that I can barely articulate what is going on. I mean, really, after 3 years of this - you would think something profoundly good would happen - but no. It just steadily gets worse. Last week I flew to Dallas to help my Mom pack the remainder of the family house of 38 years. The house was on the market and it sold in one day. I had already spent 2 weeks at the beginning of June packing up or giving away 3/4 of it, then the house sold, and I was right back in Dallas to help my Mom do the rest. So many memories there. All my childhood memories of my sister and my dad, flashed before me every 5 seconds as I packed the last iota. One day I just snapped and told my Mom to take me to the hotel. I cried for hours. I wanted it all to stop. I wanted my Dad and sister back. I did not want to say goodbye to the house that held all their memories. I got through the ordeal, being as stable of a force I knew how to be for my Mom. Now the moving van will deliver 1/4 of that house to my 2 car garage for me to sort through, look at, use? I don't know. I have spent the last year in Hades. I had the boss from down under until I got fired in Sept - then every 2 weeks in Dallas or Portland to help my mom as my Dad died - and the last 6 weeks in Dallas helping my Mom sell the house. Meanwhile Matt has taken the roller-coaster to Hades himself. Going from a calm, conscientious, caring son (for the last 6 months) - to a disengaged devil. While I was in Dallas he has had a myriad of physical problems with his back. He has yet to find the right care in our small town, so I agreed he will move to a bigger city that actually has a psychiatrist, a therapist, etc. He wants to move to Portland where we spent many summers with my sister - and where much of my family lives - and where they have some of the best mental health care in the US. However my mom tells me today that she really does not want the issues of Matt to default to her if he moves to Portland. OK? Really? Me neither. Its a big city, I doubt that will happen - I will tell him not to call you!!!!!! "On no, don't do that - I love him she says"! Welllll..........what then. What do you want???? What about the last 9 months I spent helping you take care of my Dad????? I guess the road is not 2 ways when it comes to mental illness. I feel so alone and rejected for the millionth time by my family over Matt that I am still crying. I guess it just re-opened old wounds. My sister said the same thing about Matt when she was alive - and my Dad said the same thing about Matt when he moved to Dallas - and now my Mom says the same thing when he wants to move to Portland. Don't worry Mom - he really does not need to "be cared for" - he needs to care for himself. Yet - I will move to be right there in case, god forbid, there is a situation that comes up that you don't know how to handle. Because that is apparently what I do. I am the buffer between Matt's situations and my family and friends - god forbid anyone else take a step into the ring. In the last 3 weeks Matt has reconnected with his best friend from his program in Idaho. They are beyond inseparable - they talk for 10 hours a day on the phone. So last night he calls me when I am asleep and says he wants to go see 'M" Friday. I am half asleep, and I said we will talk about it. Today after my Mom telling me she doesn't want the responsibility of Matt being in Portland, and me just snapping - Matt becomes devil difficult child again. Telling me to shut up and %off. He keeps saying he wants to go see 'M' until July and then go to Portland to find a place to live. WHATEVER. You know what? I don't care anymore!!!!! So I bought him a one way ticket to Idaho and said good luck. I am done. Don't care if he is mentally so unstable that I think he should be in a phoshp - it will never happen. And, I can't deal with anybody or anything else right now. I am SO done - that all I can do is cry. I am left with taking care of Diesel and Steele, while he is gone. I am hoping I can get Diesel to calm down around Tesla so we can all be together. She is such a submissive good girl, I can't imagine that Diesel won't get over himself - than again - who knows. I think there is a time when a person just snaps, and does not care anymore. Yet when that happens, they will never have love again. They have no feelings, no hate, no sadness, nothing. I want love someday, and that is why I have held on. But you know what - I think it is done. I would rather never feel pain again, than hold on for love. I would rather live in a bubble than live exposed, and be stabbed repeatedly.