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<blockquote data-quote="flutterbee" data-source="post: 199078"><p>I think what stirred this up is my mom is acting - and always has - towards my daughter the way she treated me growing up...and even since. </p><p></p><p>She does get it with me now. It helps that she saw how emotionally healthy I have gotten. She has seen me work hard on that. But, the big change came when I had the heart attack. The doctor said they were going to do a heart cath just to take a look which would take 20 minutes and they *might* do one stent and if they did that it would take 40 minutes. The doctor came out 2 1/2 hours and 4 stents later and told my mom that with the amount and severity of blockages, I should have had a massive heart attack resulting in death or permanent disability and they don't know why I didn't. I'm sure that hit her hard. Then I hemorhaged and they thought they were going to have to do emergency surgery to stop the bleeding.</p><p></p><p>So, things are a lot different now and while she can't fully understand because she's never struggled with major illness, she's trying. I've just been angry that it took so much to be believed. I was not someone who played sick. I worked 3 days into the kidney infection with a fever of 103. I worked damn hard to overcome my depression and self-worth issues.</p><p></p><p>But, the session with my therapist was really good and I got a lot further than I thought. I'm ok with everything. I can sleep just fine at night with the way I have lived my life. There are things that I would do differently, but we live and learn. People aren't perfect and my mom has her own issues from her own childhood and I guess she reacts the only way she knows how. I know that my mom loves me. We all have our issues to live with, work through and overcome. Her life growing up was hard. Her life with my dad was hard. She had to be very strong to get through it, so seeing weakness - real or perceived - I guess is foreign to her. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, Know what I mean?? And I have trouble with 'weakness' in people, too. One of those judgment areas I really work hard on. Unless you've walked a mile in their shoes...</p><p></p><p>As for the people at work...who cares. I have no emotional attachment to them. For the most part, it was just hard going into a job everyday where you knew everyone was talking about you. It hurt. But, I did try so hard to cover up how ill I was because I thought that maybe I really was just lazy or something that they probably didn't really see it. </p><p></p><p>It was an interesting therapist appointment, though. She talked me through this relaxation thing for about 15 minutes. I didn't get terribly relaxed, but I was able to kind of quiet my brain. Then she said she was going to ask me a question and she wanted me to tell her the first thing that came to mind - to not think about it too much. She asked me the same question a few times. I have always thought that kinda thing was kind of kooky, but you know, it was very powerful. I was surprised. And being in that relaxed state, allowing myself to acknowledge the feelings without analyzing them...I was able to let it go. I wish everything in therapy worked that quickly. <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/Graemlins/rofl.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":rofl:" title="rofl :rofl:" data-shortname=":rofl:" /></p><p></p><p>Thank you all for listening and for the support. I'm so happy to have you guys in my life.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="flutterbee, post: 199078"] I think what stirred this up is my mom is acting - and always has - towards my daughter the way she treated me growing up...and even since. She does get it with me now. It helps that she saw how emotionally healthy I have gotten. She has seen me work hard on that. But, the big change came when I had the heart attack. The doctor said they were going to do a heart cath just to take a look which would take 20 minutes and they *might* do one stent and if they did that it would take 40 minutes. The doctor came out 2 1/2 hours and 4 stents later and told my mom that with the amount and severity of blockages, I should have had a massive heart attack resulting in death or permanent disability and they don't know why I didn't. I'm sure that hit her hard. Then I hemorhaged and they thought they were going to have to do emergency surgery to stop the bleeding. So, things are a lot different now and while she can't fully understand because she's never struggled with major illness, she's trying. I've just been angry that it took so much to be believed. I was not someone who played sick. I worked 3 days into the kidney infection with a fever of 103. I worked damn hard to overcome my depression and self-worth issues. But, the session with my therapist was really good and I got a lot further than I thought. I'm ok with everything. I can sleep just fine at night with the way I have lived my life. There are things that I would do differently, but we live and learn. People aren't perfect and my mom has her own issues from her own childhood and I guess she reacts the only way she knows how. I know that my mom loves me. We all have our issues to live with, work through and overcome. Her life growing up was hard. Her life with my dad was hard. She had to be very strong to get through it, so seeing weakness - real or perceived - I guess is foreign to her. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, Know what I mean?? And I have trouble with 'weakness' in people, too. One of those judgment areas I really work hard on. Unless you've walked a mile in their shoes... As for the people at work...who cares. I have no emotional attachment to them. For the most part, it was just hard going into a job everyday where you knew everyone was talking about you. It hurt. But, I did try so hard to cover up how ill I was because I thought that maybe I really was just lazy or something that they probably didn't really see it. It was an interesting therapist appointment, though. She talked me through this relaxation thing for about 15 minutes. I didn't get terribly relaxed, but I was able to kind of quiet my brain. Then she said she was going to ask me a question and she wanted me to tell her the first thing that came to mind - to not think about it too much. She asked me the same question a few times. I have always thought that kinda thing was kind of kooky, but you know, it was very powerful. I was surprised. And being in that relaxed state, allowing myself to acknowledge the feelings without analyzing them...I was able to let it go. I wish everything in therapy worked that quickly. :rofl: Thank you all for listening and for the support. I'm so happy to have you guys in my life. [/QUOTE]
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