I cannot stand my son right now

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by kt4394, Jun 13, 2016.

  1. kt4394

    kt4394 Member

    I just don't know how to get through this without losing my head. 15 year old son has been a trainwreck and just getting worse for so long. Supposedly, he's only smoking pot, but I can't say I'm 100 percent confident in that. I have caught him with alcohol and "lean", which he says he was selling.
    We filed a CRA (Child requiring assistance) on him and we go back to court in September. I don't know exactly how I feel about it, whether it has accomplished anything and if I want to give up custody to the state. I don't have any faith in our state system and I honestly think it will make son's psychiatric so much worse, not helping him the way he needs. They were ready to give custody to DCF a few weeks ago and we denied it and said we wanted to give him more time to try to change. I regret it, then again, I don't.
    He got in trouble at school and dealt with it all wrong, ran from the office, had to be chased after, the school went into lockdown and he was taken away by police. Criminal charges and he is out of school for rest of the year. We go back to court this week. I don't know what is going to come out of it. I hope he gets something, some sort of punishment. He needs consequences.
    He sees a psychologist once a week, he goes to a court ordered program for setting goals/dealing with setbacks. DCF (through the state) is trying to set him up with a mentor. Son is totally resistant to all treatment and any interventions. He is supposed to go to tutoring, but so far he has gone to one session, skipped one, and I'm not sure whether he went today or not. He called husband and asked to stay out after. He was told no. He stayed out anyway. Came home at 930 (tutoring done at 6:30). He was totally stoned.
    I can't control my emotions with him. I just scream. My husband wants to talk to him, try to reason with him, refusing to see that just talking has got us where we are now. Son does exactly whatever he wants, whenever he wants and doesn't care about anyone or anything else. Husband keeps making excuses for son. I realize that son does have anxiety and depression and who knows what else, but the drugs are the big problem and making everything so much worse. He refuses to stop, refuses to try to be helped. As much as I can see the effect of his issues, I can't excuse him for what he is doing. So much of it is a consious choice, his choice. He continues to keep making the wrong choices, continues to break any and all rules, keeps pushing to see what he can get away with. And he is getting away with it all. Husband and I are at constant odds, fighting all the time. He refuses to accept that son needs serious help, help we cannot give him. This has been going on strong for about a year. I wanted to send him to outward bound last summer and we didn't. Its too late for outward bound now. Hes too far gone. They wont take him in his state. I say just spend the college fund on drug treatment because he won't make it to college anyhow based on the road he's going down now. Husband thinks we just need to lay off, give him the chance to make the right decisions. I don't. Son has been given too many chances and opportunities to make the right decision and has failed time and time again I can't even stand being in the same house with either one of them.
    I'm a mess. I don't sleep. I eat all the time (wish I was one of those people that couldn't eat when they're stressed-I'm exactly the opposite). I am an emotional wreck all the time, very bi*%chy, and am totally full of rage. I know I need to get a handle on it, know I should try to see someone, but I just don't have the extra time or energy. I do go to AlAnon and that is really helpful. Being on here is also really helpful. It's so cathartic to spill the whole story, to put it in writing, to know that there are others in my same boat. Thanks.
     
  2. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry. I am in a similar situation with my daughter. I have wondered how to get her the help she needs. I talked to her psychologist yesterday, and because she hadn't become a suicide risk, not much can be done. If she becomes more ungovernable, then foster care might be an option.

    Even when she gets in trouble (sneaking out at night or getting drunk) the police just brings her home and no consequences! So frustrating.

    Try to take care of yourself...easy to say, hard to do. You are not alone!

    Ksm
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    At his age there is still time, but in my opinion he needs to be away from his "friends," by the way your husband is assuming your son is just experimenting and will quit. From one whose daughter did drugs, once the drug use turns to addiction, they don't and can't quit. Have you thought about rehab since he is still a minor and you may have a choice? I wish I'd thought of it, but I was clueless and in denial at how bad her drug use was. My husband tried to tell me, but it hurt too much to hear...I didn't want to believe. Stupid of me, really.

    My daughter did quit.
    I can share a few things we did that lead to her decision to quit. "Its too hard to do drugs." Her words.

    We stopped all money. We bought her bear necessities. We banned her from the car. Drivers ed coming up? Maybe your son should not be allowed to take it until he has straightened out. Addicts and driving are very bad. But the car is a powerful weapon, one of the few issues difficult kids care about. She had to pay for her own toys so she got a job. This didn't stop her drug use just then, but in the long run it helped her like to work which fueled her decision to quit.

    She used speed and meth. Started with pot at age 12 and she quit at 19. She was clean a year before we believed she really did quit. Lost trust takes time to heal. She is about twelve years post drugs

    Inane Canadian who will probably answer too has some wonderful alternatives if your son is open to spending time with you...ill let her explain but it includes finding your sons passions and turning him in a positive direction.

    You still have time to try to turn him around. Maybe you and hub need counseling so you can get on the same page. Your son will exploit a divide between you.

    Keep us posted on your progress. We care and want to support you. Hugs!!!
     
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2016
  4. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Hi KT. YOU ARE SO NOT ALONE. I felt the pain as I read your post, I so remember being there. Our son actually said at that age, "I do what I want when I want" and...he was right. We couldn't stop him. The calls from school, the coming home impaired, the rages and the ever present holes in the plaster from doorknobs going through wall. I would patch them while crying and then it would happen again. Insane. Looking back, I really don't know how we survived...but we did. You will too. It seems he needs to be out of your home now (maybe the court will take care of this decision) and yet if hubby isn't on board, it's complicated. When our son left our home we finally realized how messed up we had been. Who lives like this? We do. We did. But it's hard to see clearly when you're in it. Be kind to you today, yes, he's young but your lives matter too. You, your husband and your older son don't have a sanctuary in your home now due to his actions. He has/continues to make choices that need consequences. Prayers.
     
  5. UpandDown

    UpandDown Active Member

    kt, I have been in your shoes. It is so hard and awful and I used to beg to get off the roller coaster. My suggestion is to pick one thing that you are going to do. Just one. It is easy to get completely overwhelmed in thinking of the so many things that are not on track and need fixed. Yet, its not possible. Maybe its just to vow to keep your emotions and conflict with husband in check, NO MATTER WHAT. Or maybe its to cut off all access to privilege. Such as cash, car, etc. Commit to that one change and focus on that. Have you read The Parallel Process: Growing Alongside Your Adolescent Or Young Adult by Krissy Pozatek. It is an excellent book. Although it is geared to families whose children are away at treatment, the advice is right on and helped us tremendously.
     
  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    KT we were in your shoes and my heart goes out to you. When I look back at the last five years of our life I cannot believe our marriage survived it.

    Once I felt I had done all I could do I would have let him live elsewhere if that was an option. We did not have that option.

    Our son has been out of our home since March and he is doing good on his own and we are much happier. He misses us and we miss him but for now this is what is best for all of us. I'm so thankful that we did this. He is actually growing up by NOT being with us. I don't know why it has to be this way for some.

    :staystrong:
     
  7. kt4394

    kt4394 Member

    Thank you, all of you. Hearing your support and suggestions helps so very much.
    After a long day at work, away from son, and reading posts on here, I feel good, so positive. I'm worried for when he gets home though. Husband has him out now at court-ordered program and to meet his new probation officer. No idea what frame of mind he is going to be in when he gets home. That, on top of the underlying anger between the two of us that is always there. I have to bring him to a relative's house tonight because we can't leave him home alone and he's suspended. Totally a temporary fix while he's suspended because we can't keep doing this all summer. It makes me sick to my stomach to even think about it. He goes to court on Friday and I am hoping they impose some kind of community service or treatment program, anything to take up some time this summer. I am done with school next week and don't start summer program until July 11th, so I'll be home and it will be a little easier. Maybe. Honestly though, he's no different when I'm home. He still does whatever he wants. I can't really stop him. I'm just around to witness it. That's how it has been every Saturday when we have left him home alone after I leave for work at 10am. He's usually still asleep when I leave and is always gone and out by the time husband gets home at 3. It's a fighting battle. Work is a like an escape for me. I don't have to deal.
    ARGH!!!
    Thank you, thank you, thank you:runcirclsmiley2:
     
  8. detachingmother

    detachingmother serenity

    Ugh. As I read your story, I totally understood the "hate my kid" deal.

    Although mine is now 25, just wanted to say I still feel like that at times.

    The difference now is that I refuse to let myself go in the process of his madness.

    You must take care of yourself. Let go in some ways just to gain some sanity. When you get to the point of just screaming at him (YEP I did that too, like a wild banshee at times with even spit coming out of my mouth it was so bad), it's best to just walk away. Nothing good is going to come from that...and if I could go back and change that I would...bc I think in some ways, my screaming traumatized my other two kids and other family members in a way...even wayward son...it never helped, just scared the heck out of everyone.

    Obviously the drugs are a big problem. Good that you know that upfront.

    I wonder if he's self medicating and if he's on any appropriate mood medications prescribed by psychiatric. Looking back, I did try medications, but the docs gave him ADHD medications and to me now that was also a big bad choice of medications for him as I feel it led to later meth use.....just my humble opinion.

    That's the other thing I would have changed if I could have by going back...proper treatment, because I often felt like I was just "throwing spaghetti at the wall hoping something would stick" because I simply had no idea what to do...had him put in juvenile center as a last resort and looking back, it probably wasn't a good choice...made him more angry and "bad".

    I don't know your whole story, but just chiming in...as in my case it's been ten years longer than yours...my problems with my son were just getting started when he was 15 and ten years later, they are just much bigger, and looking back, there are things I would have done in a much different way.

    Since this thread is 8 pages long. LOL I definitely missed some things and I am sure you already got some of this advice. just chiming in to add more credence to the fact that you are most certainly not alone. :)
     
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2016
  9. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member

    I'm not sure how juvenile court works. As a parent are you able to speak to whomever and explain to them that you are doing all you can and that you feel that your son needs more supervision?
     
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