I can't believe it... do I have "stupid" written on my head?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ksm, May 10, 2013.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    difficult child just called me from school. She actually wanted me to call the school and give her permission to miss her last two hours so she can go to a friends senior photo shoot. I said that I was sorry, but she is failing 4th hour and has a low D in 5th hour and I just can't do that. SHe has 7 absences in 4th hour (most of them skips and a few for illness or appointment's) and 11 tardies. She is close to being dropped from the class for the year and spending that hour in ISS and then do Fridays of after school ISS til 6pm. There really is only next week of school left, then MTW the following week is for finals. Then she threatened to just skip and go any way!

    I had already given her permission for this girl to come over after school, that I would take them to the school concert, then spend the night at her friends house. I actually thought I was more than lenient based on all her school troubles.

    She is like a run away train... she can't slow down once she fixates on what she wants. It is all about what she wants. I don't know how we are going to survive this and the next 3 years of high school. I called her principal (we have talked a lot lately) and left him a voice mail what was up and wanted to verify whether she was in 4th and 5th hour.

    Oh, she just called again... apologized, then wanted me to let her out at the end of 5th hour early. I finally asked why the time change? When you have professional photos taken you have a specific time and place to meet the photographer. Then she told me her appointment is at 4pm. The reason she wanted out of school early was to go with her to her hair appointment!!

    This child has no reasoning skills. She actually just yelled at me that "you don't know how important this is to me!!!!" I know she doesn't realize how important passing 9th grade is to me!!

    So I told her to call me back with where the 4 oclock appointment is and maybe I could take her there. Am I a wimp? I do want her to have friends and I know she had an awful week with girl drama in choir and a girl trying to fight her and other girls waiting to video tape it!

    I can't believe the audacity she has. KSM
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    More importantly, she doesn't realize how important passing 9th grade is to HER.
    You're walking a tight-rope... not easy.
  3. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    Yeah, I have 14 year old that does the same ****. Even being a difficult child myself I would never have called my mother and ask her to lie to the school so I can get out and go hang out and I had bad grades. They just have no correct reasoning when they want something they just want it. Hugs. Sorry no advice, which I had the answers I really do. Maybe one day we'll laugh about this!!!!!!
  4. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    I don't think you're being a wimp. You're compromising. If she stays in school for the full day, as you expect her to do, you will allow her to go with her friend to her portrait appointment. I see nothing wrong with that. I think the hard part will be if she cuts out of school early against your expressed orders.

    The were girls waiting to fight her and video tape it? That has got to be stressful. Does the school know about it?
  5. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    I don't think you are a wimp. Then again, I'm so maybe I'm not a best judge. It is just that sometimes for kids like ours, who really grave friends but don't have the skills to really make it in social jungle, things like that can be so much more important than for kids who do well in that jungle - or are not even interested. When my difficult child was your difficult child's age, he was shoplifting because that was a way to get and keep 'friends.' He didn't keep things he stole himself, he bought company of these 'friends' with those.

    And yeah, if my difficult child would had been in similar situation, I would probably had taken him. easy child, really not. He has his 56 best friends without my help anyway.

    And to be more wimpy, I don't even think it is about audicity, it is not understanding the big picture, the perspective of things.
  6. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Yes, on Wednesday. She is in a girls choir class. And a senior girl and her friends kind of blocked the doorway to the class and 4 or 5 had their phones out to video tape it. The girl accused her of saying that she was fat. (It is the old "she said you said that I...") difficult child talked her way out of it saying that she hadn't said such things and if she did want to she would just say it to her and not to other people. Then difficult child got past them, went in the class and the choir teacher wasn't there. The threatening started up and then finally another girl kind of put a stop to it by telling them both it wasn't the time or place. The teacher was late to class, so difficult child left, cooled off for a while, then went to the principals office. She didn't want to go back to the class so for the rest of the year, she will "kill time" in some class room. I have talked to the choir teacher and principal (well at least by email and voice mails) and yesterday was told that the choir teacher talked to the girls involved, called their parents, and told them they had to delete what they taped from their phones. We have been watching FB and haven't seen her tagged in anything... so maybe it is "gone" but I doubt it. Luckily the girls are seniors. Part of the problem is that difficult child was put in to this upper level choir based on auditions, and there was only two freshmen girls. But, the other part of the problem is that difficult child can be very annoying. I get it. But what they did was terribly wrong. difficult child thinks that it will all be OK next year, as the group of girls were seniors and will be gone. But I am afraid she will just annoy other people next year.

    The choir teacher is making some "new choir" groups for next year. And she won't be in the same choir. And she won't be with upper classmen as I know she is more immature than even most kids her age. Ugghh I just wish the drama would stop. KSM
  7. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    As I said, I'm a wimp, but I do feel so bad for her. That wishful thinking and all. Reminds me so much of my boy. And unfortunately I have to say that for him it never worked out at school or other where before he became an adult (he has done little better now in adult environment. Not great even now, but better. He even first time ever made a friend from a team mate this winter.) And unfortunately I have to say that for him it ended up to extremely unfortunate incident and even went downhill from there partly because no one knew about it and he didn't get help he so badly needs. Now he is dealing with PTSD, rather scary dissociative symptoms and is recovering from addiction and has lost his reputation and is well-known problem child that has cost him a lot professionally. A lot of all that stems from peer troubles and that specific incident.

    With him a big reason was his lack of social graces and being annoying. That he was very good at his sport which caused some jealousy didn't help.

    I truly hope that this 'confrontation attempt' will be only one she will experience and that at least she would never have to go through things my kid had. But unfortunately protecting them can be close to impossible when they really don't know how to protect themselves or even really understand when they are in danger.
  8. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I truly hope that this 'confrontation attempt' will be only one she will experience and that at least she would never have to go through things my kid had. But unfortunately protecting them can be close to impossible when they really don't know how to protect themselves or even really understand when they are in danger.

    Unfortunately this is her 3rd or 4th "confrontation" but by different girls and not in this class. A couple weeks ago her 16 year old brother visited us for a couple of days and he talked to my husband that he really didn't like spending much time with difficult child because of her behavior and attitude. Then DGS actually tried to explain to her what she was doing that he didn't want to be around. It is her bossiness, her attitude, and dropping F-bombs when we aren't around. Even her uncle who visited for the first time that weekend later shared in an email that she is SO MUCH like his difficult child sister (difficult child's mom). And that is scarey. difficult child mom has been a drug and alcohol addicted person, who pretty much couch surfs and tries to keep from getting picked up for old warrants. 4 kids - never raised any of them. I just don't want history to repeat itself. KSM
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You know, I'm wondering if this child, with all her problems, ever had social skills training. It wouldn't shock me if she were ever diagnosed on the spectrum. But that aside, she doesn't "get it." I don't really think it's her fault. I really do think her social skills are THAT bad that she doesn't understand how to figure out the world and how it will be for her today, tomorrow or next year. I don't think she has a nondescript behavior disorder. I think she is neurologically atypical. I don't think she is trying to be difficult. Has she ever been totally evaluated by somebody like a neuropsychologist? If she is not your bio. kid and her birthmom drank during her pregnancy, that could be contributing to her cluelessness. Alcohol and booze in utero can cause brain damage. I mean, just wondering what is really up with this child.

    Adulthood will be here before you know it, and she is not in touch with how the world works. She needs a lot of help. I feel sorry for her.
  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    MWM - I believe they are trying to get an evaluation for Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS)... but of course, the speed at which the systems move is much slower than the need for answers...
  11. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I am afraid it is Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS). I have been reading and researching and it fits on so many levels. I saw the neuropsychologist a couple weeks ago. We had started this process 1.5 years ago, but ins denied further appts or testing. THis year we were able to get different ins so starting this again. We will have 8 hours of testing the first week of June (2 four hour time slots) and then the results the first week in July. The doctor is out the last half of June. I know that biomom drank LOTS. My DS says she was drinking 4 or 5 mixed drinks a night when he met her. She was working in a bar so I assume most nights were like that. They continued to drink a couple more months before "she knew she was pregnant" Yea, right. I know that DS didn't know at first... but she didn't admit it until she couldn't hide the pregnancy. Biomom has also been diagnosis as bipolar. It is possible that biomom might also be Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS). I don't know her parents, but we do keep in touch by phone. And I know that although biomom's mom works as a CT xray technician, she also drinks every day after getting off work. Also, she was single when she had our girls biomom...

    I just don't get why a 15 year old would even think I would say yes to letting her skip school. She gets so angry when she doesn't get her way. Rages are fairly common. About once a week. I guess I should be happy it isn't daily. Like the other night, we had thunder storms with lots of lighning. Not the kind across the sky, but the straight down ones. She wanted to go ourside and "enjoy" the storm. Of course, she went to set on a metal patio chair. husband told her she shouldn't sit there. So she laid down on the ground. Even when it started sprinkling she stayed out. Finally, I told her to come in for her own safety. She just kept repeating that she wasn't going to get struck by lightning. I bet everyone who has every been hit thought that too.

    After the results appointment in July, I found out what child psychiatrist the neuro refers to... and I have an appointment two weeks later. Trying to get all the ducks in a row. But I have also read that sometimes medications in a Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) child either doesn't work, or has other symptoms, as their brain isn't normal. I am not sure what we would do next. Hoping for answers. KSM
  12. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I think you're right and I hope the evaluation at least identifies the issues. Hugs DDD
  13. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I'm so sorry. Gosh I hope you get more answers and support from this evaluation.

    Sometimes, I'm glad q can't be left alone. At least the plans with other difficult child's are out of the question, sigh. (yes I know it's mean not to want him to be higher functioning. I am just saying since it is this way.....I'm going to enjoy this one benefit )
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) is a tragedy as is Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE) or any alcohol effects. It is organic brain damage and usually the adult kids need to be watched all their lives or they continue to do the same wrong things over and over again. Their brains don't retain what they did and sometimes in jail they aren't sure why they are there and reoffend as soon as they get out. Often the best treatment is just 24/7 caregivers because they can't make good decisions due to brain damage. They very often become substance abusers themselves although being told repeatedly that their genetics make it a really bad idea to drink or do drugs. And then again they often have Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) children. I also have been told that Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE) is pretty much Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) without the facial abnormalities. We didn't know if Sonic had it or not. Certainly the alcohol and drugs affected him...he was lucky to get by with just autism! He can learn right from wrong and can connect consequences from one day to the next therefore he knows how to behave. He simply lucked out. His birthmother was not abstaining because of her pregnancy. He had cocaine in his system at birth.

    Knowing Sonic's history, we repeatedly tested him as he got older to see wh at services he may need.